Portia De Rossi Announces Divorce With Ellen Degeneres..
Celebrity gossip is something that continues to this day even when the world isn’t exactly in top form. And yeah, they have a lot of things that are true, and some that are nonsense, and some things that are absolutely in between both of those things if you can believe it. But a lot of questions have been coming out of the Ellen Degeneres Camp over the last several weeks and months. Mainly because the more that things go badly for Ellen, the more things might just get worse. Including…her wife leaving her? Could this even be possible? Let’s break it down! Be sure to like the video and subscribe to the channel!
And there you have it, everyone! A look at Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi and how their relationship may or may not be in trouble based on recent events! What do you think of this look at their lives and how the events of 2020 and previous years may contribute to them not being a couple anymore? Do you think they might split up or are they truly together forever? Let us know in the comments below, be sure to subscribe and we’ll see you next time on the channel!
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Is the torment about more than just your divorce? Is it really about the deep inner knowing that you’ve never, ever really felt loved?
Is it about a feeling of rejection or indifference from others that goes beyond your romantic relationships: You’ve never felt loved and deeply understood by anyone?
Or, maybe there were one or two really close people in your life, but they’re no longer in your life? A best friend, parent, aunt, or loved one who has passed away?
Now, one of the things that keeps you up at night is the question: Am I unlovable?
And, if I truly am unlovable, what’s wrong with me? I don’t really see how I’m that different from anyone else — and all of these other, normal people with quirks and flaws . . . they all get love.
I often like to start with the question, “Do you really know for sure that it’s true that you’re not lovable?”
If you’ve never felt loved, does that mean that you haven’t been loved?
What love means to you is probably very different from what love and loving means to the others in your life.
One of the sad things about life is that, so often, we’re dropped into families that can’t or don’t offer the kind of acceptance and support that we need. If you start out life in a situation in which there’s a lot of discipline, rules, regulations, and fear, it’s likely that you might not feel loved.
And even though you feel so disconnected from the people who were supposed to love you, they may have a completely different point of view. They may be wondering, “What’s her problem? What’s the matter with her? Get with the program.” In their definition of love, they would probably say that they love each other, and that they love you, too.
What kinds of things have to happen in order for you to feel loved?
It’s often those elusive things: A feeling of being understood and accepted as you are; a feeling that others can be honest with you about the good and the bad (what they love about you, and how they feel about how you treat each other). A deep knowing that you can be honest in return. Hugs during good times and bad. And, that you’re a favorite, an important person, a person who’s missed when she’s not around — that you count.
Getting inside their heads: What does love mean to those people?
For the “loved ones” in your life, what would their definition of love be?
It might be more tribal and less personal. Maybe all it requires, in their world, is that you root for the same team, have the same politics, and reinforce each other’s lifestyle and preferences.
Insulting each other, bullying each other, or mercilessly teasing each other can be a way that some families show love.
Supporting and kowtowing to the family’s one alpha male (or, alpha female) can give a sense of solidarity and purpose that stands in for love. Tiptoeing around a bully can give the rest of the family a sense of togetherness. Everyone just accepts it.
My point is, I guess, that there are probably at least a few seriously flawed people in your life who do believe they love you. They may have gone so “tough love” on you that what they perceive as love feels more like being roasted by your worst enemy, but, they truly do believe that they love you.
Or, maybe, you’re just so different from the members of your family and your colleagues at work that they don’t have a way in to understand you. They may admire you, though. And they may want to get closer to you, but they don’t know how. (Is this your fault? Definitely, not. But, you can explore finding ways to let them into your world. If you want to.)
Does it do you any good if someone says he loves you, but doesn’t treat you the way you feel someone who loved you would behave?
Should you try to understand that even though the person is withdrawn, or insults you, or ignores you, he really does love you and you need to suck it up even though you feel dead inside?
Never. So let’s explore what you can do.
7 ways to stop tormenting yourself and get the love you’ve always craved:
Sometimes, you have to spend a long, long time around what you don’t want in order to really reach out for what you do want.
Sometimes, waiting doesn’t work. Sometimes, expressing yourself, and asking for what you want doesn’t work.
Stop thinking that if you only were different/better/cuter/sweeter the person you love would treat you with tenderness. (It’s especially hard to release yourself from the burden of these thoughts when you see your loved one treating someone else — your sister, your cousin, your daughter or son — the way you wish he would treat you.)
Understand that people are often less loving to the persons closest to them, and put on a charming face to others. (Have you heard people say, “You’re so lucky to be married to him!” and think to yourself, “If you only knew.”) Understanding this can help you let go of expecting these people will change.
Be super sweet to yourself. If you’re a regular reader of the Divorce Blog, you know I say this all the time, in lots of different ways. Treat yourself the way you always wanted him (or them) to treat you. I want you to get used to being treated wonderfully — and the best place to start is with yourself.
Sometimes, people don’t know what you want, but they’re surprisingly happy to give it to you when you ask. One of my early clients had never received anything for Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day from her adult children. I suggested that she simply ask her son to bring her flowers for Valentine’s Day. She felt that, if she had to ask, it didn’t count. And, I convinced her that we have to teach loved ones how to treat us. I think she was afraid that she’d feel even worse if he ignored her request. But, that would still be a step in the right direction: You have to know what you’re dealing with and start with the baseline of where things are before making things better. Guess what? He brought not only flowers, but a beautiful card. And it was the start of something of a more loving bond in their relationship as mother and son.
If you’ve never felt loved by anyone, or special to anyone, start looking for your tribe. People who you notice are kind and loving — so that means they’d be kind and loving to you, if you got closer to them. Look for new friends who already have the qualities that you want to experience in the people around you. Don’t start by trying to change insensitive boors into Prince Charmings, or the Wicked Witch of the West into a supportive best friend. Sometimes, we truly have spent a lifetime looking for love in all the wrong places — because those places are the only places we’ve had a chance to call home.
Don’t know any loving, friendly people? Look around for where these fun, supportive people might be hanging out. Volunteering. Participating in an activity you love but haven’t given yourself permission to do (some of my clients have joined the church choir, joined a ukulele class, gone hiking with conservation-lovers, gone birdwatching, and participated in a photography group).
Know when it’s time to give up and distance yourself from certain people. And celebrate the positive changes that are starting to happen. Take time to notice that you’re starting to feel the beginnings of the love you’ve always wanted.
You need to know if your mediator requires that you have attorney representation. Though most mediators are required by the State to tell that you should be represented by a lawyer (and Virginia is no exception), that is not the same as the State saying you must be represented by an attorney. If your mediator tells you that you must have a lawyer to mediate, your next step is to ask them why they have such a policy. Determine if this suits your needs – and your wallet – and then decide if you want to go that route.
Your questions will be answered and you will be educated about the law and finance. Most of my clients are comfortable, just from participating in their mediation sessions, that they have learned enough about their rights, the law, the tax implications, the finances, and how various custody arrangements might affect their children, to confidently proceed to settlement without lawyering-up. However, if they want the advice of an attorney, that is never discouraged.
But my lawyer told me I “have to be represented” … It is common in many places (Virginia included) for a divorcing spouse to be advised, by a lawyer, that they need to be represented by an attorney for mediation to work. That is usually not the truth. However, if you do choose this style of mediation (two lawyers and one mediator), you will want to get out your big wallet. It will be very expensive.
Saving money in your divorce does not mean that you will be sacrificing a fair settlement. At Graine Mediation, we do not require that you have an attorney. It is always recommended that you run your settlement terms by an attorney; but that is entirely up to you. Settling your case with a mediator, who does not require that you have a lawyer, will save you and your family many thousands of dollars that you could probably put to better use for your kids or yourselves.
Are certain cases inappropriate for mediation? There are certain cases where mediating without an attorney – or mediating at all – is not well-suited. In my experience, the only two situations where you need an attorney to manage your case are: (1) when there is a reasonable suspicion that one of the spouses is hiding assets, and (2) where there is a history of physical violence. Aside from that, mediating usually does a great job for divorcing spouses even when they leave their attorneys out of it.
I have worked with a lot of women and couples through the years as a divorce financial planner and mediator, and I truly believe that you can thrive after divorce. I have seen it first hand, both watching the people I’ve worked with and having been through it myself!
If there’s one thing that’s a common factor between all successful mediations and divorce cases, it’s this: you have to cut through the noise to reach your own internal guidance system and build up your confidence in yourself.
Before, during, and even after a divorce, we get so overwhelmed with input from so many places that we lose touch with our intuition. The reality is that no one knows what you’re going through except for you. There are people who are more trained and qualified to offer assistance, but only you know what’s right for you.
How do you cut through the noise to hear yourself again? These three tips will help you prepare yourself well so you can once more trust in yourself and your intuition, regain your confidence, and thrive after divorce.
Watch Out for Divorce Brain
Divorce brain (not to mention all the people who have an opinion) takes over when you’re going through a divorce. This part of your brain kicks in when you’re angry, upset, and under extreme stress. It’s like an override of the more delicate, analytical parts of your brain and all you focus on is just surviving.
Further, because of this and the hyper-emotional state of divorce, you’re not as grounded with your intuition. It can lead to breakdown of confidence and cause you to feel confused and like you’re swimming through tons of advice and options from well-meaning-but-not-actually-helpful resources. (Never Google “divorce horror stories” late at night when you’re at your most fragile!)
For me, my divorce brain made mountains out of mole hills. And, it actually reared up when I was going through the adoption process (that was much more stressful than my divorce as it turns out). It didn’t matter what it was, everything felt BIG. It felt too much. I couldn’t deal with one more thing… Not one more decision, not one more small hiccup in my schedule. I was just very maxed out in terms of mental capacity.
But, like my divorce, having unconditional love and support to bolster me when this primal, survival-mode part of my brain took over helped talk me off the ledge and allowed clarity and perspective to come back into the picture.
Key Lesson: Know what your unique divorce brain warning signs are and its triggers – then take care of yourself so can avoid overloading yourself and making the situation more tense and confusing.
I recently worked with a woman who had a very good settlement option in front of her offered by her spouse, but she was getting so overwhelmed by the people in her life telling her what she “should” do that she couldn’t focus on the proposal in front of her.
The proposal was very reasonable and generous (and she knew that in her heart of hearts), but she was having a hard time getting away from the thoughts in her head and the shoulds from all the well-meaning people in her life. While they had her best interest at heart, they didn’t know her whole story, go over the proposal with her, or really understand the full picture including her post-divorce financial and family goals.
I sat down with her to look at the proposal knowing her financial goals and with a deep understanding of how all the pieces work together. It turns out: the proposal was a good thing! And she was right to trust her instincts.
The best part… Just hearing someone affirm the fact that she didn’t need to doubt herself was huge for her!
Whether you invest in specialized financial support, a therapist, and everything in between, having someone who knows this world inside and out will allow you to take advantage of their unique expertise so you can cut through the clutter and know that the advice you’re given is going to do the most good for you and your family.
Key Lesson: Seek out trained professionals to give you their opinion to affirm your gut instinct or guide you on the most supportive path for you so you can learn to trust yourself and rebuild your confidence in yourself (and get practical, actually-beneficial-to-you advice)!
The saying, “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” is so applicable when it comes to divorce. The reality is that relationships will change after a divorce. It’s up to you to focus on yourself and what you can do to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy so you can face those changes and thrive after divorce.
I found journaling very soothing (along with bubble baths and some wine!) when I needed to take care of myself. Thankfully, I also had my mom to lend a hand with kids and lend a shoulder when I needed it. If she had her opinions, she kept them to herself and offered nothing but unconditional support and love.
Whether your self-care looks like bubble baths, boxing, or blasting loud music in the car in the middle of a deserted parking lot, do something every day that makes you happy. Even if you only have 5 minutes, you’ll build up your strength and trust with yourself so you can once more shine bright and thrive.
Key Lesson: Surround yourself with people who support you unconditionally so you can focus on what you need to do to be your best in body, mind, and spirit.
It can feel like divorce marches on forever and ever. You’re not alone and trust me, you will get through this. You’ll cut through the clutter and cobwebs of confusion and mental fog. Pretty soon, you’ll forget about the intensity of this period of your life as you regain your confidence and trust in your intuition so you can thrive after your divorce.
If you want more support from a trusted source, download the Divorce Resource Bundle! This bundle has everything you need to think about when it comes to preparing for the divorce process (so you know you’re covered from soup to nuts). Being organized and orderly can really take the overwhelm and tension down a notch! You can also take my Preparing For Divorce Course where I will walk you through step-by-step what you need to do next so you can proceed with confidence.
Then, schedule a complimentary consultation so we can see how we can help you plan your settlement with your financial goals at the forefront, cut through the noise, and thrive in the next chapter of your life!
This handy household moving checklist can make things a little easier if you find yourself having to move after your divorce. Whether you’re moving across town or across the county, you can save a lot of time, hassle, and expense if you are able to plan your move ahead of time.
1. Packing materials
It’s amazing just how many boxes it takes to move a household. The major movers and truck rental companies have a ready supply of high grade boxes and packing materials. If you have the money, this is the easiest way get boxes and everything you’ll need.
If your budget won’t quite stretch far enough to buy all your packing materials, you can usually get boxes from your local grocery, liquor, and convenience stores. Since many stores break down their boxes right away, be sure to go in ahead of time to let them know that you need boxes. Many times, the clerks will set them aside for you. Another idea is to check around apartment dumpsters at the beginning of the month for boxes people throw away after they’ve moved in.
It’s also a good idea to have several rolls of heavy-duty strapping or packing tape to seal up your boxes. You’ll also need bubble wrap or packing paper to cushion breakables. A good resource for packing paper is your local newspaper. Just ask for unprinted end-rolls. Be sure to have a couple of permanent markers to label the boxes and a notepad to keep track of the contents of each box.
2. Moving Trucks
Having a moving company is great if you can afford it or if your company will pay for it as part of you relocating to a new area for your job. Be sure to shop around for the best rates and availability of times before you make your final decision on moving companies.
If using a professional moving company is out of the question, you can still rent a moving truck or trailer. Some of the main rental companies include U-Haul, Budget, Hertz, and Ryder. Before deciding on which company to rent from, get an estimate of what size truck you’ll need to move your household (most companies can help you determine this). You’ll also need to find out how much they charge for mileage on top of the base rental rate. Ask if they offer any special discounts and how far in advance you can reserve the rental.
There is also a hybrid option available from U-Pack Moving. Basically, they deliver a moving trailer or container to your home for you to pack your belongings in. After everything is loaded, you call the company for pickup and they will deliver it to your new location for you to unpack.
3. Getting ready for the move
First you want to set a moving date so you can make sure your friends will be available to help you and you’ll be able to get the reservation for the moving truck. Then, it’s a really good idea to start packing non-essential items and getting rid of the stuff you don’t want to take to your new home. This can actually take a while, so be sure to spread it out over time instead of trying to cram it all into one day. If you pack as much stuff beforehand as possible, it will save a lot of time and hassle on moving day.
When packing your things in boxes, it helps to number the box on two sides and what room (or cabinet) it belongs in. Then write everything that is in that box on a master household moving checklist that details the contents of each box. This will save needless hours of searching through boxes looking for something specific after you move.
You’ll want to keep essential items handy to use during the move and for after you move into your new home, so don’t pack those up until you’re ready to walk out the door.
Start cleaning your house as much as possible to save time during moving day. Do the windows, oven, garage, and anything else that will take a while to clean. Get the yard in shape and empty the gas from your lawn mower and weed eater.
4. Utilities and Address Changes
You’ll want to make sure that you don’t leave any loose ends when you move to your new location. This will entail notifying a lot of people and businesses about your relocation. Below are some of the major ones:
Utilities – Be sure to set a disconnect date for at least a day after you move out and notify them of your new address so they can send you the final bill and any deposit refund you might have coming. You’ll also want to make sure the utilities will be turned on at your new house when you arrive, so be sure to make these arrangements early.
Gas
Water
Electric
Phone and cell phone
Internet
Trash
Cable or dish
Mail forwarding – Put in a mail-forwarding request with the post office to ensure your mail will be delivered to your new house. It’s also beneficial to notify businesses before-hand about your move. Be sure to get copies of your existing records (transcripts from schools, medical and dental records, veterinary records, etc.) when you’re notifying the following businesses about your new address.
Bank
Credit cards
Insurance
Doctors and Dentists
Bills
Magazines
Newspaper subscription
Retirement accounts
Schools
5. Moving Day
Before the actual moving day, call your friends to verify they will still be able to help with the move. It’s always best to start early in the day so you’ll have enough time to get everything done. Also, see if you can line up someone to babysit your kids on moving day. Nothing slows down the process faster than hunger or cranky kids.
It’s a really good idea to have a hand-truck or dolly to help move the heavy stuff and all your boxes. Most of the truck rental companies have hand-trucks they rent out, and it’s definitely worth the expense.
It’s a good idea to have lots of water and drinks on hand to help quench everyone’s thirst. And be sure that you have toilet paper in the bathroom and paper towels in the kitchen.
Hopefully, you will have the majority of non-essential items boxed up and labeled before moving day. Place the essential items that you’ll need right away in a separate area so they aren’t packed away with your other stuff. Here is a short list of things you may want to pack in your car so you’ll know right where they are:
Clothes, shoes, and jackets you’ll need right after your move
Bathroom items and toilet paper
Medications and first aid kit
Bedding and towels
Foil, plastic wrap, and plastic bags
Coffee maker, coffee, filters, and cups
Quick food, can opener, disposable plates and utensils
Dish soap, towels, and rags
Trash bags and light bulbs
Pet food and dishes
Tools such as a hammer, screw drivers, pliers, tape measurer, flashlight, etc.
Important documents such as birth certificates, school records, financial documents, social security cards, deeds, car titles, medical records, etc.
Computer and electronics as well as their chargers.
Also, be sure to keep the following cleaning supplies handy so you can get your old home or apartment ready for the move out inspection.
Broom and dust pan
Mop
Vacuum cleaner
Cleaning solutions and tools
Cleaning towels and rags
Window and bathroom cleaner
Trash bags
While you’re getting everything packed in the moving truck or
trailer, don’t forget to take breaks and stop for lunch. This is one
time when pizza delivery or going to the drive-through is a good idea.
After everything is moved out, clean up the house, throw out the trash,
and double-check to make sure you’ve left nothing behind (don’t forget
to look in the attic). Finally, turn off the lights, turn down the
heater, and lock the windows and doors before you leave for good.
This household moving checklist is just one of a series of articles aimed at helping you save money. You can read these other articles for more money saving tips:
An exclusive investigation by the Asian Network and Victoria Derbyshire Program has found online services charging divorced Muslim women thousands of pounds to take part in sham Islamic marriages. The controversial practice, known as halala, is believed by a small minority of Muslims to be the only way a divorced woman can get back with her husband after a triple talaq – an instant divorce where a man says ‘talaq’ three times to his wife. These marriages can leave women open to financial exploitation, blackmail and even sexual abuse.
In this documentary, Athar Ahmad speaks to the women willing to have sex with a stranger in order to get back with their husband, asks why some are going to such extreme lengths and tracks down the men charging thousands of pounds to carry out sham Islamic marriages.
When a former family law colleague of mine told me about Collaborative Law Process sometime around 2008, conceptually it sounded much like a series of traditional four-way meetings, but with a therapist present. As a fledgling dispute resolution process, I saw no harm in adding this skill set to my professional tool kit to bolster the transition of my practice out of litigation and into dispute resolution.
It was not until several years after I had taken the Introduction to Collaborative Law training that I experienced the actual magic of Collaborative Law Process. The family had been slowly imploding for years and now everything was coming to a head.* Mom and Dad still occupied the same house but had stopped speaking to each other years earlier after Dad had an infidelity. They had decided to divorce but not tell the kids until there was a plan to separate into two households. Mom had lost her job and Dad’s salary was not enough to cover two sets of living expenses, so everything was in a deteriorating holding pattern fraught with stress and tension. The middle school aged child started failing classes and was nighttime bed-wetting. The younger teenage child developed symptoms consistent with obsessive compulsive disorder. It was when the older teenage child made a failed suicide attempt that Mom reacted by filing for divorce.
Shocked at being served with the divorce action and daunted by the prospect of protracted litigation, Dad reached out to an attorney and eventually invited Mom to put the litigation on hold and try Collaborative Law Process. For this family, even proceeding to the first full team meeting was a huge accomplishment. With so many years of emotional rift to be unpacked, and children clearly in need of effective and proactive co-parenting support, Collaborative Law Process provided the structural format this family required in order to have the very difficult but necessary conversations to lead them out of their toxic holding pattern. It was a framework that let Dad apologize for his indiscretion, and let Mom process her feelings of parental failure over the children’s escalating issues. The professional team helped choreograph the timing and manner of challenging conversations like these so the couple could get “unstuck” and attend to the important financial and parenting decisions they needed to make in their divorce.
While not all dispute resolution processes fit every client situation, with so many litigants still experiencing significant court delays due to the pandemic, it could be beneficial to see if there might be a dispute resolution process appropriate for the parties to try. Many divorce clients are literally stuck at home in the same type of stressful pressure cooker Mom and Dad’s family experienced. Litigation could still be resumed if the dispute resolution process is unsuccessful, but it would afford at least a chance at more timely settlement and a way for families to move beyond pandemic paralysis.
In addition, the Collaborative Law Process, like mediation, conciliation and arbitration, translates well to online virtual platforms because they are flexible in nature.
Need more information? Most dispute resolution practitioners are happy to provide information about the differences between processes to help determine if a process would be appropriate for clients. Or consider taking a dispute resolution process training to get a deep dive into the ins and outs of its inner workings. More knowledge can only help professionals to better assist clients navigating their process choices during COVID or any time.
Father’s Day was last Sunday and I’ve been talking to some of my Father clients about their role in their children’s lives. Especially when the divorce first happens, whether you are Mom or Dad, you may feel guilty. You are supposed to be one of the most important people in your children’s lives and yet, you are going to miss at least half of it! Or possibly, if you are a non-custodial parent, even less. Your mind runs with, “What will I miss?” and sometimes insecurities come up, “What if they like their stepparent more than me?” Or “Am I screwing my kids lives up?”. I have heard many, many questions of this nature.
What Fathers Can Do For Their Children
My suggestion to you, is to focus instead on how you be part of your children’s lives. First of all, even if you aren’t the custodial parent, you are entitled to be part of your child’s life in a significant way. You can interact with their school systems and go to conferences. You can participate in field trips and school events with your child. You can stay up to date with their scholastic achievements. You can email their teachers. You can help them with their homework. If the school permits it, you can go have lunch with your child.
You are also afforded the right to go to the medical appointments. You can get medical records. You can part of any therapy your child may need.
The same with extracurricular activities. You can speak to coaches or activity leaders. You can take them to practices or games. You can cheer them on and support them.
You can have quality time with your children. I’ve heard clients say to me, “I never knew I could be such a good Dad.”. When you are in a marital relationship you may have relied on your spouse to do the caretaking. Now, you’re on base! It’s up to you. To provide caretaking for them for 24 hours a day without the other parent telling you what to do (if they are micromanaging, that’s another topic!). You can feed them what you want, let them go to bed when you want, get them up when you want, play with them the way you want, etc, etc. I have other clients ask me, “Can I tell my ex to have the kids go to bed at ….. ?” You can suggest it but no, you can’t. Or, “Can I stop them from eating junk food while they are gone?”. Nope. You can suggest, but you can’t mandate.
Setting Up The Right Conditions
I had a very sad Father in my office earlier this week. He was talking about taking his daughter away from her room at the marital home. He said, “but she doesn’t have a room at my apartment”. I said, “Make one for her.” It can be a lot of fun for kids to have a room at Mommy’s house and a room at Daddy’s house. Don’t apologize for having a smaller house or not having all of the things they have at the marital home. Just create a fun space for them at your place. Whether it’s your own house or you are staying with your parents for a transition you can carve out a space for them. If you don’t have a lot of money, you can get crafty. Have them decorate with their own artwork. Or if they are older, have them take selfies with their friends and print them off for inexpensive decorations.
“I’m going to miss Christmas Day”. Make your own holiday time. Does the day really matter? No! It’s not about the date, it’s about the experience. Create memorable experiences with your children around the time you have them. Next year you will probably have Christmas Day, but you can choose other days and times. Who doesn’t want to have two opportunities to open gifts?!
It all boils down to your focus. You can focus on all the amazing things you have to do with your children. Or you can focus on how sad you are and all you will miss. The time is going to progress the same no matter which you choose. If you are concerned about what’s best for your kids, then it’s for you to be the happiest person you can be. If not for you, do it for them.
Divorce is likely to affect eating. We look at why this is the case and offer some advice to help you.
Getting divorced or having a breakup – emotional effect
Divorce is a major transition for any individual and family unit. Some research has found that on average this difficult transition can take up to 2 years (Heathrington, 1987). This transition involves both concrete, as well as massive emotional mood swings.
Some of the practical changes include: having to move house, adjusting to a reduced standard of living as the family finances are split, you may need to start working, and on top of this, you may have to learn to be the sole caregiver to your children when you look after them. These changes are highly likely to cause stress, especially if they were unexpected as you did not see your divorce coming.
Some of the emotional changes include going from love and yearning for your soon-to be ex, to anger, as you may blame them for the distress of the divorce, and sometimes people experience downright hatred if the divorce become fractious, often around the issues of money and custody.
Disliking your soon to be ex is also a defence mechanism to protect you from the sadness of losing someone you care/cared for. This is one of the reasons that people become fixated on the legal side of the divorce. However, research has shown that those who adjust best to life-post divorce are those who are able to reduce positive and negative feelings to their ex-spouse (Tschann et al., 1989)
Depression and anxiety are nearly inevitable. You are mourning the relationship you had, the life you thought you would have, and are aware of being alone. You will spend time questioning “where you went wrong”, “how 2 people who loved each other so much got to this point”, “whether you can save the marriage”. You may also worry about the future, whether you will ever meet someone, the effect on your children, whether you will ever love again or be loved, and you might even worry about dying alone.
People also report a loss in confidence after a divorce, either because they blame themselves for a marriage failing, and/or they feel rejected by their ex-spouse.
Even those who initiate the leaving have been found to have similar rates of depression and anxiety. They might also feel guilt for leaving their partner and breaking up the family if they left.
There is no way around experiencing intense and difficult thoughts and feelings during this period. This is why there is an increase in mental health illness, drinking and binge-eating. Divorce has generally been associated with weight gain (Mata et al., 2018)
How can divorce affect our eating habits?
This can happen for a number of reasons. Given the life changing adjustments needed to cope with the issues above it is very likely that going through divorce gives way to whole host of confusing and overwhelming emotions. It is also entirely possible that you may have learnt over your lifetime, to “eat your emotions” as a way to self-soothe, seek comfort or distract yourself from unpleasant experiences (something that is reported in both clinical and research settings e.g., Frayn, Livshits & Knauper, 2018).
Secondly, on a practical note, divorce is likely to involve finding new routines in the home, feeding fewer people and having to budget differently for food. This can mean that we lose touch with some of the helpful habits/mealtime routines that may have helped us maintain a healthy balanced diet, possibly finding ourselves being time and cashflow-short whilst trying to still feed a family. This can very easily leave us wide open to the possibility of reaching out for quick, cheap, convenient options which, if not careful, can easily be met with heavily processed foods. On the odd occasion this doesn’t have to be a problem, however regular reliance upon these options runs the risk of our bodies starting to start craving high fat, high salt/sugar processed foods and this becoming an established habit.
Finally, whilst divorce is undoubtedly a difficult process (even if it feels the right thing for your family), it is a natural human instinct to feel confusing or negative feelings about the decision and to strive to avoid unpleasantness as much as possible throughout the experience. In response we can find ourselves subconsciously over-compensating by using food as a “treat” or “pick me up” – this can apply to both ourselves and for our children as we strive to protect their feelings and maintain joy in their (and our) lives. We might also feel that we all “deserve” a “takeaway treat” on a Friday night as a reward for coping with another difficult week and when hooked by such thoughts and feelings we are very likely to place our health at the bottom of the priority agenda.
*One caveat to note is that sometimes people will lose their appetite in response to the stress of divorce and find that they lose weight and see this as a “silver lining”. This is another example of how divorce can impact upon our eating habits and whilst this may be seen as a positive in the short term (especially if weight loss is desirable), it is very unlikely that dramatic and quick weight loss is without health risks and very unlikely to be sustained.
So how can we minimise the impact of divorce upon our eating habits and associated health? Well, taking a psychological look at our eating is the first step. One evidence-based approach known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (a form of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, or ‘CBT’) suggests that:
1. We can start to notice our personal triggers, feelings and behaviour. By opening up and taking an honest look at how you are feeling, how you respond to your emotions surrounding your divorce and the action you take to deal with this you are putting yourself back in control to decide if you want to make any changes.
a) It is important to work upon your general awareness of your thoughts, feelings and behaviour (be it around food or otherwise) in your everyday life to start to look for patterns and triggers to possible emotional eating patterns.
2. We can ask “what matters right now” and act accordingly.
Ask yourself: in the process of dealing with this:
What qualities of mine do I want to draw upon to help me get through this?
What is most important to me to keep in mind?
What do I want to do more of in my day to day life and with whom?
If you notice that your current behaviour is not in line with what matters most then this is your opportunity to change something. For example: when it comes to eating and health you may wish to consider your strengths/qualities as an ‘organised’ and/or ‘engaged’ parent and start to sit down with the kids and meal plan together.
3. Explore other ways to self-soothe. If you notice that your eating habits do appear linked with stress, overwhelm, tiredness or boredom then you may wish to consider experimenting with other activities that may help your overall stress levels.
Examples that people tell me have been helpful to them include mindfulness/meditation, taking a walk, aromatherapy, holistic therapies, taking a bath, reading, a new hobby or journaling/talking with others.
4. We can accept that this is tough, sometimes we will revert to default unhealthy behaviours and that (in the most part) this is ok!
During the midst of a life-changing event such as divorce is not necessarily the right time to be considering huge changes and a complete overhaul of your eating habits.
However that doesn’t mean that you can’t use the steps above to become mindful of your health and make small changes that will have a significant ripple effect upon how you feel in your mind and body over time.
Remember to be kind to yourself on the occasions that you may lose touch with this and find yourself at the bottom of the tub of Ben & Jerrys before you realised it, you are human, sometimes we want to soothe ourselves with food and on the odd occasion this is not a problem (plus sometimes ONLY ice cream will do!).
Takeaway (no pun intended!) message:
Psychological theory and therapies tells us that whatever life throws at us, remaining aware of our core values, taking action in line with these and learning to deal with the difficult painful emotions that may arise along the way is at the centre of living a rich, full and meaningful life (Harris, 2019). If the overwhelm and enormity of the changes brought about by break up or divorce have pulled your eating behaviours off this track then taking this psychological approach can help you take back control and feel better in both your mind and body.
Refs:
Frayn, M., Livshits, S., & Knauper B. (2018) Emotional eating and weight regulation: A qualitative study of compensatory behaviours and concerns. Journal of Eating Disorders, Vol 6, 23.
Look at other tips to look after your health at Divorceclub.com here.
Dr Isabelle Hung is a co-founder of divorceclub.com and clinical psychologist. Having got through her own divorce just three years ago, she is now remarried and happy to report that divorce really is an opportunity for growth and positive change.
I was astounded to read in the newsletter, “Making Ends Meet”, that the author would advise women to negotiate and pay collectors for accounts that were held jointly and for which the ex was court ordered to assume.
This is credit suicide! As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and a former employee of Fair, Isaac (the leading credit scoring company), I can tell you that paying off a collection that you don’t owe is irreversible and will haunt your credit for 7 years.
The ONLY way to ensure your future financial health is to get the collections REMOVED from the report. If you can show that the debt was assigned, by a Judge, to the ex, the collection agency has little ground to make the argument that you owe it. They would have to back it up in court, the same county most likely where the Judge assigned it to you ex. They know they will not prevail in court, so they are much more likely to compromise.
IF the debt was assigned to the ex, and he hasn’t paid it, the quickest way fix it is to make a deal with the collection agency to pay it under the written promise they will remove the listing in its entirety, not just list it as paid. Then you can take that receipt to the Judge, with the order that the ex pay it, and turn it into a Judgment so you can attach property or wages for repayment.
In my profession, I do see husbands who refuse to pay or cannot pay these debts. I also see wives who run up the tabs on the cards prior to filing for divorce, and the husbands getting stuck with the bill. Divorce can be a devastating nightmare, or it can be worked through by both parties towards a Sustainable Settlement. Neither party should be financial ruined, but both parties should understand that a lifestyle previously shared by one household, cannot support two.
Article by Adryenn Neuenburg, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and a former employee of Fair, Isaac (the leading credit scoring company).
How to Find Out What’s Being Reported
Unfortunately, divorce can wreck your credit if you’re not careful. Since most women are unaware that creditors may try to hold them responsible for their ex’s marital debts, it’s a good idea to find out what is being reported on their credit report.
By getting regular copies of your credit report, you can determine if your ex’s debts are being reported under your credit file. Since you’re entitled to a free annual credit report from each of the three credit bureaus, you can space out the reports every 4 months to monitor your credit fairly easily. You can go to www.annualcreditreport.com to get started.
While you may not be able to get these accounts removed from your credit report if the account is current and being paid as agreed, you can stay on top of the situation and be pro-active if things change. If the accounts aren’t being paid and the collection agencies won’t work with you, you may need to consider the options discussed above.
Here are some more articles that discuss various issues concerning how debts are handled in divorce and how you can protect your credit:
