How To Divorce a Narcissist and Win

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HOW TO DIVORCE A NARCISSIST AND WIN //Are you getting ready to divorce a narcissist? Or in the process of one of the stages of divorcing a narcissist? Maybe you’re already divorced but still dealing with the aftermath of divorcing a narcissist husband or wife. Whatever stage you’re in, you know that divorcing a narcissist or psychopath man or woman is the ultimate challenge. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (npd) or other types of high conflict personalities are highly controlling and can inflict financial abuse or try to take custody of your children or just generally make your life a living hell. For real tips on how to actually outsmart a narcissist in divorce or actually even negotiate with a narcissist and win, watch this video.

Narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, gaslighting and narcissistic abuse can be so difficult to manage, survive or recover from. If you’re divorcing a narcissist and want to actually win, this video will give you tips on how to effectively deal with them in the divorce and actually feel victorious.
#divorce #narcissist #rebeccazung

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

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7 Ways You Might Be a KickAss CoParent and Not Even Know It. – Divorce & Children

 

 

Since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin put “conscious uncoupling” into the limelight a few years ago, the face of coparenting has started to shift.  As a society, we seem to be embracing a new way forward and lots of coparents (some famous, some not) are leading the charge.

While I am a huge fan of cooperative coparenting,  I’ve also noticed some shifts in another direction.  Lots of trending posts and stories tend to give the impression that coparenting well is easy for good parents. After all, isn’t coparenting just like Nike’s age-old slogan, “Just do it?”

But what about the rest of us whose stories are different?

Is it an epic coparenting fail if you and your former spouse haven’t transformed into best buds? Is all lost if you really don’t like your children’s new “bonus parent”?  What if your parenting styles don’t line up chapter and verse?  Are your kids doomed if you’re stuck coparenting with someone who is completely contentious at every turn?

What coparenting really involves when your Ex isn’t cooperative

As a coach who has been working with separated parents for 20+ years, I believe the unchartered waters of coparenting (like many things) aren’t so black and white. Even when coparents are committed, there are still lots of moments when you have to dig deep, bite your tongue or set aside your pride.  For a significant number of modern-day families, there’s substantially more to this coparenting gig than taking up permanent residence on the high road.

From where I sit, the quality of your coparenting shouldn’t be measured by “insta” cute pics of you and your EX on a family vacay.  Kudos to you if you can put that notch in your belt.  However, I believe true badassery in the coparenting department involves grit, picking your battles carefully, deep breathing and lots (and I mean lots) of behind the scenes work.  Work that often goes unnoticed, unappreciated or overlooked.

Not sure where you fall on the coparenting scale of success?  Read on…you might be doing better than you think.

 

7 Ways You Might Be A KickAss CoParent

 

1. You base your decisions on what best for your kids, even when the other parent is a total pain in the A**.
There are days when you’d really love to give the other parent a dose of their own medicine, but you don’t. You recognize that even when the other parent is being a royal PITA,  it doesn’t mean you should return the favor. You believe your children deserve better than that.

Instead, you do what you can to shield them from the fallout. Regardless of how your Ex behaves, you maintain consistent communication and do your best to keep your anger and frustration in check. When your Ex asks to switch the schedule, you don’t mull over whether or not the other parent deserves your flexibility. The bottom line for you is how it will affect the kids?

 

2. You don’t insist on a happy ending.
Although divorce made life better for you, you realize it may not feel better for your kids. While it’s tempting, you steer clear of “silver lining” the dark cloud of divorce.

When your kids say, “I miss Dad.” 
You don’t say “At least you get to see him every Wednesday.”

INSTEAD, you might say, “I can see this is super hard for you. It’s tough not being able to see Dad when you want.”

When your kids say, “I wish things could go back to the way they were.”
You don’t say, “Aww come on things aren’t really that bad! After all, how cool is it to get two birthdays and two Christmases?” 

INSTEAD, you might say, “I know, lots of kids feel that way when parents split up.  I’m sorry this has been so difficult for you.”

You understand there will be days when your children will feel like their whole world is falling apart.  Although every bone in your body wants to make it better, you don’t try talking them out of those feelings. You get what they need most is for someone to understand, hold them close, listen and let them know it’s okay to feel that way.

 

3.  You know there’s enough love to go around.
Divorce opens the door to a much larger (more complicated) family network for you and your kids. From this point forward, there will be lots of other people who come into their lives. Some you’ll get to choose and some you won’t.

While a part of you may hate the idea of someone else parenting your children, a bigger part of you wants them to feel loved and protected wherever they are.

You realize there will come a day when they may want your permission to accept someone new into their lives. When those new people show up, you do your best to support those relationships.  Even if you don’t like them, you keep it to yourself because it’s not about you, it’s about your kids. While it’s hard to share those beautiful babies of yours, you know children can’t have too many positive, loving adults in their lives.

 

4. When you screw up, you own your mistakes and strive to do better.
Every parent slips up from time to time. Situations will crop up, and you may lose your cool, say things you regret or make decisions you wish you could take back.  Instead of justifying or glossing it over, you fess up and commit to doing your best to be better.

You know that your kids are learning from you and how you handle your parenting mistakes is setting the stage for how they will handle theirs someday.

 

5. You seek out people who “tell it like it is.”
Without a doubt, there will be days when that highroad gets pretty steep.  You may want to lash out, feel overwhelmed, resent the hell out of the other parent or just had enough.

Instead of turning to people who reinforce your “not so positive” views, you seek out people who don’t. Your go-to people might be a trusted friend, an online forum, a divorce coach, a support group or a local counselor.   Even though it’s hard to hear the other side, let go of the judgments and adopt an “it is what it is” attitude, you stay connected to people who will speak the hard truth verses tell you what you want to hear.

You know the more balanced you can be, the better life will be for your kids.

 

6. You have learned to let go.
In the early stages of divorce, it’s easy to funnel lots of energy into trying to control things that happen in the other home.  You understand that different isn’t always bad and that your rules don’t have to be identical for your children to be okay. Instead of arguing over what time they go to bed, you spend more time focusing on what happens in your home and how you can make things better for your kids.

Even when the other parent is incredibly uncooperative, demanding or contentious, you know giving what you get isn’t the answer. So you do what you can to establish a predictable, nurturing and consistent home for your children.

 

7. When it comes to the other parent, you try to see what your kids see.
When things come undone, most of us tend to hone in on all the things that didn’t work and forget about the things that did.  Truth be told, it’s pretty easy to do. As human beings, we’re hard-wired that way.  Bad unfortunately outweighs good.

However, at the end of the day, you know that your kids see themselves as half Mom and half Dad.  You get that kids notice off-handed remarks, eye-rolls, and the occasional slight.  AND you don’t ever want them wondering if you feel the same way about them.

 

So you work hard to put some distance between how you feel from what your kids see. While your Ex may not have been good for you, you stay focused on all the ways they’re good for your kids.

 

My guess is there are probably a million other ways you’ve achieved kickass coparent status. And to be honest, most of them will probably go unnoticed by the other parent and your kids.

 

But that doesn’t really matter, does it? You’re not in it for the glory. Just another reason you kickass in the coparenting department.

 

How have you been a kickass coparent?   Share your story below with our exceptional parenting community.  Go ahead be loud and proud, you deserve it.

x,

 


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5 Ways to Encourage Self-Directed Learning

Self-directed learning is the best approach to life-long attainment of knowledge. If you’re considering it to traditional learning methods, this article gives an excellent overview of the processes it entails to encourage the best results in learning.

Imagine a situation where you’re an average student, and the opportunities accorded to you cannot change your situation. Do you throw in the towel and declare education a no-go zone for you, or do you try to learn about things that can potentially change your situation or others for the better? Unfortunately, not everyone realizes that they have the power to change their futures.

On the flip side, though, the power lies within us all to learn about things that would change our situations and the environment around us for the better. Self-directed learning is the process through which individuals push themselves to realize their needs in learning with or without others’ help. 

They will then develop their own learning goals while identifying materials that can aid them throughout the learning process. In today’s’ world, where technology is rapidly taking over, there is a need to continually re-skill and learn about new ways of doing things. It is essential to re-learn things we previously knew and discover them deeper. 

When you develop self-directed learning strategies to change a situation where you need to learn new skills, you put yourself ahead of those who only rely on traditional learning methods. Today’s world is set up in a way where self-directed learning skills are necessary, but essential to career, social, and even self-development. 

 In a world where self-directed learning activities are encouraged, and learning tools are many, it makes sense that one takes advantage of all the self-directed learning methods available. Any student who wants to succeed in their learning experience should have a self-directed learning plan that’ll help them bridge gaps that they’re facing in their journey to attaining knowledge.  

We must encourage this type of learning for all learners. Here are a few tips on how to do it.

 

Determine the Willingness to Learn

Self-directed learning challenges exist. A student will find self-directed learning much easier if they can get self-directed learning examples and conduct a thorough assessment of various factors. These include their attitude, skills, habits, and even their support network and how these factors will contribute towards their success in self-directed learning. 

Before students engage in self-development, they must look at any past experiences they’ve had in the past with self-learning. This will play a huge role in developing self-directed strategies that’ll allow them to have a constructive process. 

Some of the most important aspects or skills to evaluate for a student include their organization, self-discipline, experience with self-directed learning, and how well they take constructive criticism. A student looking to engage in self-directed learning is encouraged to embrace being autonomous and practice excellent communication.

 

Identifying Self-directed Learning Objectives

While encouraging a student to take up self-directional learning, the student must learn how to communicate effectively. This is a necessary skill to learn as they’ll have to develop a relationship with an instructor. When communication skills come into play in self-directed learning, both sides have to understand what expectations are required. 

 The instructor supervising the student should have a clear view of the self-directed learning goals the student has. Likewise, the student must have access to the contractor’s self-directed learning contract. Understanding each other ensures that both parties are privy to what is expected from each one of them.

 

Learn More About Yourself and the Process

There are many self-directed learning benefits a student will reap if they understand their needs for self-directed learning. As learners, one must understand the gaps they need to fill and how their approach to self-directed learning will help them fill these needs. 

Self-directed learning requires the student’s total transformation because they’re required to learn new ideas and understand them on their own. Self-directed learning will require more in-depth knowledge than traditional education, where a student is only required to learn what is taught to them to complete a course. 

In self-directed learning, a student is required to motivate themselves and dig deeper into their studying to bridge their gaps. It is, therefore, essential to develop an in-depth approach to self-directed learning. 

 

Evaluate the Learning Process

In self-directed learning, students must learn to self-evaluate and self-reflect continually. This is to assess their progress and how their learning goals are coming along during self-directed learning. Some of the processes students of self-directed learning will need to engage in include:

– Regular consultation and assessments with their instructor while implementing feedback received.

– Reflection of the aspects learned during the self-directed learning process and evaluating the essential questions concerning the learning process. 

 

Share and Apply What You’ve Learnt

 

There’s no point in self-directed learning if you’re going to hoard what you’ve learned and kept it to yourself. The best way to learn something more profound is to teach it. It’s therefore essential that after you’ve learned and finished your unit, you share the information you’ve gained with your mentors and peers.  

Sharing what you learn in self-directed learning is essential, as it’ll help you discover other aspects you hadn’t thought of. Ultimately, you’ll create something positive for you and your community or environment out of your self-directed learning experience. 

Once you start to practice the things you’ve learned on your self-directed learning journey, you can now create opportunities for yourself that never existed before. 

 

Conclusion

Self-directed learning isn’t an experience or process for faint-hearted students. It’s a journey that requires patience, a strong will, a willingness to learn, self-motivation, and strategies that’ll get you to where your goals are. 

It would be best if you valued the progress you’re making over performance. Self-directed learning is a life-long process that one can’t accomplish if they value performance overdevelopment or in-depth knowledge.  

Have you considered self-directed learning as an alternative method of learning? If you have, what has been your experience? How did you overcome the challenges that come with self-directed learning? Tell us your experiences in the comments below. We’d love to hear from you.

 

Author’s Bio:

Sherry is a consultant and been involved in many successful projects with a range of companies throughout the country. She enjoys researching, discussing, and writing on the topics of relationships on the best dating sites 2020, when not absorbed in the latest gripping articles. Sherry loves cooking, doing sports, and otherwise spends far much time at the computer.

 

 

 




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Justice App – a Resource worth Downloading

Skylark’s online Massachsuetts Child Support Calculator  was recently added as a resource on JusticeApp – a free downloadable resource from co-founders Damian Turco and Melina Munoz Turco.  This is the future of how clients will find reliable information, professionals and resources and we’re pleased to be included.

A Message from the Co-Founders:

JusticeApp is a free mobile app designed to help people with legal problems manage their cases through the court system. The app doesn’t aim to create solutions for every legal problem.  Rather, it aggregates credible resources already created and maintain by government, legal aid organization, and, in some select instances, private attorneys, in a simple and clean interface. No more endless internet searches at two in the morning, wondering if the information you find is accurate and reliable. 

Without leaving the app, JusticeApp guides you to resources on the law, courthouses, and the court’s official online docket. You can draft court forms and order an court audio recording or transcript of your hearing. It also has a marketplace to search for representation based on price, distance, and rate, including legal aid, free court programs, and private attorneys. And, if you check out the Spotlight feature or subscribe to their youtube channel, you’ll find the Co-Founders, Damian Turco and Melina Munoz Turco, interviewing legal champions to raise awareness about their causes and organizations. JusticeApp is free and in both the Apple and Google Play app stores, so download it and check it out.

Website:  https://justiceapp.com/

Apple:  https://apps.apple.com/us/app/justiceapp/id1513643433

Google Play:  https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.app.myappoq 


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Divorce Misconceptions: Abandonment – Leigh Daniel, Attorney at Law

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I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked this question in some iteration; “He moved out of the house, that means I can get him for abandonment, right?” or “I can’t move out because that would be abandonment.” Somehow, some way, this idea has entered the zeitgeist to vacate the marital home will have negative consequences that range from losing your interest in said property to losing custody and everywhere in-between. So, let’s strip away what you’ve heard, or what your cousin’s wife said about her sister’s divorce and look as what abandonment really means in the context of a divorce.

Abandonment and Grounds for Divorce

Before we can really dive into the issue of abandonment, we must first discuss grounds for divorce. Grounds for divorce are statutorily recognized reasons for the Court to divorce married parties. Without one of the identified reasons, then the court cannot enter a divorce. Alabama statute (30-2-1(a)) identifies 12 grounds for divorce. They are as follows:

  1. Incapacity
  2. Adultery
  3. Abandonment
  4. Imprisonment
  5. Crimes against nature
  6. Addiction to drugs/alcohol
  7. Incompatibility
  8. Mental incapacity/insanity
  9. Irretrievable breakdown
  10. Pregnancy
  11. Violence/cruelty
  12. Non-support and separation

So, as you can see, abandonment is a reason for divorce, along with several other grounds. In order to divorce your spouse, you must prove (to the court’s satisfaction) the ground that you allege. Here is an analogy that I have used often. Grounds for divorce are like different paths through the woods. Some are winding trails, with a lot of foliage in your face. Other grounds, such as incompatibility or irretrievable breakdown, are paved and well-lit. No matter the path you take, the destination is the same. Each ground has different factors that must be proven for the Court to grant a divorce based on said ground. Regardless if you are divorced by reason of adultery or incompatibility, the result is the same.

Ok, back to abandonment. Abandonment is a reason for divorce. In order to receive a divorce on the grounds of abandonment, you must show that your spouse voluntary departed from you without your consent, without just cause, with no intention to return, and that said departure occurred at least a year prior to filing for the divorce. If your spouse just moves to another room in the house then it’s not abandonment. If your spouse has just cause to cease cohabitation, such has inadequate living conditions, then it’s not abandonment. If your spouse leaves but has the intention of returning, like leaving for military service or for work for a period of time, then it’s not abandonment. If your spouse moved out last month, then it’s not abandonment. All of these elements must be proved to the court, including the spouse’s intention to not return. This can be a difficult task.

So why would you file a divorce for abandonment? Is there a better way, an easier path through the woods? Does anyone still use abandonment as grounds for divorce? You wouldn’t; there is; and no in that order.

Is a Divorce due to Abandonment Beneficial?

I cannot see an objective advantage or benefit to seeking a divorce on the grounds of abandonment. As mentioned earlier, it is a winding path that leads to the same place and the paved road of incompatibility or irretrievable breakdown. I suppose that there may be personal or religious reasons to seek a divorce based on abandonment, but that has no real barring on the outcome of the divorce. Because of this, most people seek a divorce on what is called a no fault-based ground. All the grounds for divorce listed above with the exception of incompatibility and irretrievable breakdown are fault-based grounds, and at one point those were the only grounds available. This means that if you and your spouse wanted an amicable divorce in the 1960’s, you had to prove that one of you cheated on the other, or committed a crime against nature, or abandoned one another. Now that no-fault-based grounds of incompatibility and irretrievable breakdown are available, a marriage can end simply because one party no longer wishes to be married.

In a divorce, no matter the grounds, the Court will equitably divide marital assets. If you move out of the house and go stay with your family, or get an apartment, you do not lose the interest you hold in the marital property. That being said the court can consider fault in dividing the property. Let’s say you leave the home and stop contributing to the mortgage. The court could give your spouse a greater percentage of the property due to your misconduct or because your spouse added value to the property without your contribution.

Finally, you leaving the house like a thief in the night can have implications in child custody cases. The parent remaining in the home with the children will often be consider the primary caregiver, which gives that parent the upper hand. If children are involved it is best to reach an agreement regarding each parent’s period of visitation before either party moves out. If you find yourself in a similar predicament then it is best for you to speak with a family law attorney before you take any other steps.


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Can I travel to amber list countries with my children? – Divorce Club

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Tips and family law insights for travel overseas in the current times.

After what has been an extremely challenging and unprecedented 18 months, it’s completely understandable that many people are keen to travel abroad and go on holiday.

The pandemic has impacted our lives in many ways, from limitations placed on our day to day activities, to constraints on our freedoms and ability to travel, both in the UK and abroad. These restrictions have meant that, for over a year, many people have not been able to visit their home countries, and children have been prevented from seeing some of their family.

As the countdown to the summer holidays begins, together with the recent delays in the easing of COVID-19 restrictions, questions on overseas travel is becoming increasing noticeable.

Hannah McCrindle, divorce and family associate at Stewarts, discusses the current situation on overseas travel for separated couples with children, provides family law insights and tips on obtaining consent for travel overseas.

Government guidance

The current government guidance states that only essential travel is allowed to amber list countries.

While it’s possible to visit the limited green list countries with very few restrictions, travelling to an amber list country means the following must be adhered to:

Before you travel to England, you must:

  • Take a COVID-19 test
  • Book and pay for day 2 and day 8 COVID-19 travel test – for after arrival in England
  • Complete a passenger locator form

On arrival in England, you must:

  • Quarantine at home or in the place you are staying for 10 days
  • Take a COVID-19 test on or before day 2 and on or after day 8
  • You may only be able to end quarantine early if you pay for a private COVID-19 test through the Test to Release scheme.

The above requirements are applicable whether or not you’ve been fully vaccinated.

The standard position on overseas travel

If you’re a parent looking to take your child abroad, either permanently or for a holiday, consent must be granted from everyone with parental responsibility, usually including the other parent.  However, when one parent has the benefit of a Live With Order, that parent can remove the child from the jurisdiction for up to one month without the consent of anyone else holding parental responsibility. For any travel over one month, consent from all parties is required.

This is the position in both current COVID and non-COVID times.

 

Issues from a family law perspective

When it comes to current amber travel restrictions, many separated parents face difficult decisions as, in the majority of situations, both parents have to give their consent for a child to be taken abroad.

COVID-19 have been the source of increased stress and anxiety for many people, and there are many reasons why a parent may feel uncomfortable with their child travelling to an amber listed country, and may not wish to provide consent including:

  • Concern about the impact on their child’s health
  • Feeling uncomfortable that their child is travelling for a non-essential reason
  • Worrying about going against government advice regarding amber list travel
  • The potential disruption on the child’s education when quarantining on return
  • The impact of quarantining on any planned contact between the children and the non-travelling parent

Although each of these concerns are valid, a balance needs to be struck when, for example, one parent is desperate for their children to visit relatives in their home country. This may mean that one parent is more willing to ‘risk’ visiting an amber listed country, complicating any co-parenting relationship during an already challenging time.

Obtaining consent

To reduce any issues and concerns, and to avoid any last-minute court applications, it’s best to keep the lines of communication open with the other parents, and to ensure written consent is obtained during planning, and before any travel is booked.

These recommendations could help either parent obtain consent for travel to an amber listed county whilst restrictions are still in place:

  • Be honest about where you plan to travel, who you plan to see, and where you will stay.
  • Discuss how you plan to keep your children safe, helping to alleviate any fears.
  • As consent can be withdrawn, have an open discussion about any concerns to minimise the chances of this happening.
  • Discuss quarantine restrictions and any affects it may have on upcoming contact between your co-parent, or school, and child, and agree on how any missed time can be made up.

Working together to agree on a plan and way to move forward is key to ensure the best interests of the children are met during these unprecedented times.

This piece was written by Hannah McCrindle, divorce and family associate at Stewarts, the UK’s leading litigation-only law firm.




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Cost Of A Divorce

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The average cost of a divorce can range from between $1500 for an uncontested divorce to over $15,000 for a contested divorce. If you are like most people, you want to end your marriage as cost-effectively as possible. In the article below, you can learn some ways to save on the cost of a divorce.


My Divorce is Going to Cost How Much?!

By Craig G. Kallen III, J.D.

Whatever happened to the $500 Divorce? Well, I can tell you that as our lives grow more complex, so do our divorces. As divorces become more and more complex, they become more and more expensive. So, is there anything we can do to save on legal expenses as we proceed through the minefield of divorce? The answer is a resounding, yes. The key is to know how many issues are out there and how we can resolve them to our satisfaction with the least amount of conflict.

We need to prepare for our divorces at least as much as we planned our weddings. That’s right, just as you planned your gown, cake, caterer, church and honeymoon, you need to make a road map for your divorce. If you don’t you will get lost and it will cost you to find your way home.

The purpose of this article is to let you in on all the possible ways to pay for a lawyer. Just knowing these different formats will help you decide which way to go.

Flat Fees:

The first, and best in my opinion, is to pay your lawyer a flat fee for handling your divorce from start to finish. This method is the only way to guarantee how much you will pay your lawyer. The key of course is setting the amount of the flat fee.

I suggest that for every one of the following contested issues, that you be willing to pay a $1000 flat fee: Child Custody, Child Support, Maintenance, Division of Property, and Division of a Retirement Account. Therefore, if you will not be able to agree with your spouse on all five (5) issues, a good flat fee would be $5000; if you just have one contested issue, $1000. If you are lucky enough to have no contested issues, $1000 or less is appropriate.

Hourly Fees:

The second, and by far more complicated, is paying a lawyer by the amount of time he/she spends on your case. This is by far the most utilized arrangement due to the uncertainty over how long it will take to resolve a divorce case.

  • I would first try to negotiate a flat fee as described above, but if that is not possible, try to negotiate the lowest hourly rate possible. Don’t be afraid to haggle. Let the lawyer know that you have shopped around and have found lower hourly rates. 
  • Second, negotiate a lower retainer. 
  • Third, examine each and every bill you receive closely. Call the lawyer with any discrepancy that you find. 
  • Fourth, insist that any major work be first met with your approval. These distinctions should give you some leg up when it comes to a final tally of your bill. 

Whether you pay a flat fee or hourly fees, the tips above will help save on the cost of a divorce. 


“The Secret To Saving Legal Fees”, written by Craig G. Kallen III, shares with the reader helpful hints that can make a big difference on both the outcome and expense of divorce litigation. The book was written for the benefit of the client using the insight of a lawyer who has practiced at the trial court level for over a decade.


Controlling the cost of a divorce is important, especially when you are faced with living on one income. Instead of taking your spouse to court merely for the sake of revenge, it is better to work out as many issues as possible. If you can work out all the issues, you can avoid a costly contested divorce.

The following subjects also deal with the issues to consider when facing divorce: 


  1. Divorce


  2. How to Get a Divorce


  3. Saving on the Cost of a Divorce





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Tom Hanks on his divorce: I couldn’t be a worse father

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Following his divorce from actress Samantha Lewes, Tom Hanks became depressed, and was worried he had cursed his children with burdens beyond their years. But when he married actress Rita Wilson, he came into a family with deep roots, who were close and seemed interested in his life. Hanks became a family man, and drew on that sense of established normalcy for his role as Andrew “Andy” Beckett, a homosexual man living with AIDs, in the movie Philadelphia. Hanks won an Academy Award for his performance.

The full interview with Tom Hanks is available on the In Depth with Graham Bensinger Podcast, available at the links below and wherever you enjoy listening to podcasts:
iTunes: https://tinyurl.com/8z49dmt5
Spotify: https://tinyurl.com/fujvna9
Stitcher: https://tinyurl.com/4jhm4znw

Want to see more? SUBSCRIBE to watch the latest interviews: http://bit.ly/1R1Fd6w

Episode debuted nationwide in 2020.

Watch full episodes each week on TV stations across the country. Find the airing time and channel for your city:
http://www.grahambensinger.com/index.php/when-where-watch

Connect with Graham:
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/GrahamBensinger
TWITTER: https://twitter.com/GrahamBensinger
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WEBSITE: http://www.grahambensinger.com/

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What every parent needs to know about helping kids cope with divorce – Divorce & Children

7 minute read

When I coach parents about how to help their children cope with divorce, one of the first questions they often ask is “What do I say?” or “How can I talk about this?” And it’s not just that first big talk parents are losing sleepover.  There are an endless number of situations that leave parents grappling for the right words.

Marlene had an affair and wants to know what she should say to her teenage kids to keep them from being angry with her.  Joel has a serious girlfriend and wants to tell his 10-year-old he’s seeing someone. How can he break the news without making him upset?  Six-year-old Javier is devastated because Mom didn’t show up for her weekend again. Dad wants to know what he should say to keep him from being sad.  Celeste’s Ex is an alcoholic and abuses drugs, how does she explain to her children that they can’t spend time with their father?

Understandably, lots of parents want to shield their kids from the hurt. However, what most of us overlook is that those feelings we desperately want to dodge or protect our kids from are necessary.

While having the “right “words can be important when tough times hit, parenting your kids successfully through a divorce isn’t just knowing what to say and when to say it.  Sometimes it’s about knowing when to listen, being open to what your kids have to say and supporting how they feel by letting them know those feelings are understandable.

In a nutshell, listen more. Talk less.

Sounds simple right?

Actually, it’s not.

While listening seems pretty straightforward, doing it well takes a lot of practice. In today’s uber-busy ever distracted world, it’s super easy to hear but not listen. I’ve spent most of my career being a professional listener and I still catch myself only half-listening (just ask my husband and my kids!)

The art of listening is more than just hearing what is being said.  It’s a process that involves trying to understand another person’s perspective while letting go of your own judgments/thoughts. And if we do it well, we also manage to validate that person’s feelings.  Of course, there are lots of landmines we encounter along the way.

Like those times when your kid says something that’s really hard for you to hear like “Your rules suck, I don’t want to live with you anymore!” While every bone in your body is screaming, “Oh no, you did not just go there,” it’s often more helpful to bite your tongue, lean in and listen while keeping your feelings in check.

Other times you may be physically there, but mentally checked out and not giving your children your full attention.  This is when listening gets lost somewhere between emptying the dishwasher and responding to a crisis text from work. In those moments, you may need to put away your phone and sit knee to knee with your child to fully hear what they’re saying.

Other times the shoe may be on the other foot. You’re dying to hear what your kids are thinking and feeling but they’re not talking.

No matter how the situation plays out, being an available parent and fine-tuning your listening skills plays a vital role in how children adjust to divorce.

If you’re interested in upping your listening game, here are a few pointers to keep in mind.

Keep the lines of communication open.

Instead of waiting for a crisis to happen, make a habit of regularly checking in with your kids to find out what’s going on in their world.

To get started:

 

Set Aside Time
Block out 15 to 20 minutes a day or a couple of times a week to touch base with your kids. To make sure that time doesn’t get eaten up by everyday life, try hooking it to something you do every day. Maybe your check-in time is during the ride home from school. Perhaps when you’re putting them to bed, you can linger and listen.  Other kids tend to talk more when you engage them in an activity like, taking a walk, sitting on the floor to color or kicking a ball around.  The key is to choose a time when both you and your kids can be distraction-free (i.e., no screens, no phones, no video games)

Remember every conversation doesn’t have to involve them purging their soul.  The goal is to let your kids know what they are thinking and feeling matters to you and that you are there for them.

 

Get curious and ask open-ended questions
One way to improve your listening skills is by being curious and asking simple questions such as:

  • How do you feel about what Mom/Dad said?
  • Help me understand what’s going on?
  • What do you think would help? How can I help?
  • How long have you felt this way?
  • On a scale of one to ten, how (mad, sad upset, etc.) are you?

 

Resist the urge to fix it or offer advice
When kids are hurting or say something that hits you hard, it can be a real challenge not to shift into fix-it mode, offer words of wisdom or try to put a positive spin on the situation. Remember, what children need is for you to understand the situation, not solve it.

Having your attention and feeling heard is not only tremendously validating for kids but it also strengthens your relationship with them.

 

Let them know you “get it.”
Along with hearing what’s been said, kids need to know that you understand how they are feeling. Letting kids know you “get it” is an essential component of validation. To be honest, this is where a lot of us get tripped up.

Validating your children doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s being said or how they feel.  It simply means you make an effort to see the situation through your children’s eyes.

For example, imagine six-year-old Maci has a major meltdown because she left her favorite stuffed animal at Dad’s house. Instead of launching into all the ways she can avoid forgetting it next time, you take a different approach. After hearing her out, it might be more helpful to say something like, “I can tell your stuffed animal is very important to you. It must really hard not having things where you want them.

 

Give them options
Although you may be doing your best to support your children’s feelings and be a good listener, that doesn’t mean you’re always the ideal person for them to talk to about difficult issues.  Kids often have a lot of unspoken worries about how their feelings and choices will affect their parents.

Sometimes kids worry that sharing how they feel might:

  • Hurt a parent’s feelings
  • Make things worse
  • Start an argument between Mom and Dad
  • Make a parent angry
  • Cause a parent to stop seeing them
  • Leave a parent feeling betrayed

When parents aren’t getting along, kids often feel the pressure to filter what they say or hide how they feel.

Suppose Lily’s room at Dad’s house feels a little scary at night and she has trouble sleeping.  Lily worries that if she tells Dad, he’ll get angry and think she likes Mom’s house more. If she tells Mom, Lily is concerned Mom will think it’s Dad’s fault and start another fight.

The end result? Lily stays quiet to keep the peace and continues to feel uncomfortable sleeping at Dad’s.

Make sure your kids have the support they need by:

  • Reassuring them, it’s okay to talk and ask questions.
  • Being open to hearing what they have to say (even when you don’t agree or have a different perspective.)
  • Letting them know it’s okay to talk to others.
  • Helping them identify safe adults they can turn to for advice and support. Good people for kids to talk to might be a grandparent, a favorite aunt or uncle, a family friend, teacher, coach or clergy.

Regardless of the reason, if you feel your kids are struggling, feel caught in the middle or have something weighing heavy on their minds, consider getting help from a local professional (i.e., Counselors, therapist, groups for kids or a support group for parents)

 

When to look for help
And while we’re on the topic, if you’re wondering whether or not you should put your kids in counseling, you’re not alone.  Lots of parents are curious about when and if they should seek professional help for their children.  Although there are benefits to therapy for kids, keep in mind, divorce is a change in a family, not a disorder. Unless circumstances are severe or toxic (i.e., high conflict, domestic abuse, addiction, alienation, etc.)  before taking your child to see someone, I would encourage you to consider making an appointment for yourself.

Often with professional guidance, parents can learn the skills they need to make important changes for their kids.  In the case where therapy is needed, meeting with a professional first, gives you a chance to evaluate whether or not they’re a good fit for your child and your family.

One on one isn’t the only option either.  Kids can also benefit from groups when parents split that focus on teaching coping skills and problem-solving. Consider checking with your children’s school or a local counseling organization to find out what might be available in your area.

If you decide to look for a counselor, seek out someone with qualifications that match your needs. For example, if your kids are getting caught in the middle of fighting, look for someone who has experience in dealing with high-conflict divorce. For situations that involve addiction or abuse, look for a therapist who is qualified to help families cope with those issues.

 

THE CHALLENGE

Over the next week, pay attention to what you do when your children talk about how they feel.

  • Do you try to fix the problem or offer advice?
  • How easy or hard is it for you to just listen?
  • Do you respond the same way every time or are there certain feelings/issues that are more difficult for you to manage?
  • How do your children respond to the way you listen?
  • What could you do to become a better listener for your children?

At the end of the week, take note of what you discovered and consider what you could do to up your listening game.

Do you have a story to share? How did you get better at listening to your kids?  Share your tips and thoughts with other members in our parenting community below.

Feeling overwhelmed by divorce? You don’t have to be, learn how to:

  • Coparent with confidence.
  • Establish a new normal.
  • Minimize effects for your kids.
  • Handle conflict like a pro

Find out more about coaching and how to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with Christina.  **Limited availability, schedule now to reserve your spot!


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4 Ways to Reconnect with Your Child (and Yourself) After Divorce

If you are a mom like me you loved the time with your child. The playing, the little dance parties, you ingest it in every inch of you and crave it more than chocolate.  Then a divorce happens and a court puts you on a diet of this amazing experience. 

So how do you deal with this sudden change in your life? How do you go without or at least less of what you once had whenever you felt like walking in their room?  It’s hard at first but you will find that it will make you a better parent when your time does come again.

For me it was crying for days then I realized I had to use this time for him and for me. Here is my plan: 

Give Every Weekend a Theme

While the goal should always be to make a better home for them and for you-both within and outside yourself, feel free to target it down to a more specific theme. Personally I am focusing on financial agendas and preparing to be the financial and emotional caregiver my child needs. I also use the time to apply to more teaching and writing jobs as well as responding to opportunities. 

For you it could be making a cleaner home or even cleaner eating. Be there for you by preparing for them and their future. 

Keep a “I can do it then list” 

You know those “Oh yeah” moments when you remember things you need to do? Well now it can be done then..I literally have on my phone a list just for this time. It’s all the things that isn’t urgent but would really be great if it was done already.  This can be calling a family member or talking to a financial advisor now that you are only 1 for 1 so to speak. 

This will not only fill up the time but space out the time you have for your child and allow you to focus on them when it’s your time with them without feeling stressed that there is so much to do. Put everything on it-even things you have put off before the divorce. 

Get Back Into Your Passions

Take this time to evolve your passions-some you have to admit were ignored while you lovingly heard “Mommy!” on a daily basis. For me, I started writing again (enter this column) and began to watch Project Runway and doing the challenges.  I also started looking into restarting yoga which I did weekly back when I interned at the White House and miss. 

This will allow you to fill in the gap so to speak with a bit of you and even give you something to talk about with your child when they come back. In fact, I have a new children’s book idea as a result of talking to my kid about things I am writing about. 

Use the time to Research how to be a better mommy

From organization to better eating for us and our new home, I have finally allowed myself time to get into the pile of magazines that were pushed away for Legos. I also reviewed the home equipment I had and asked family to donate tools and other items I knew I was going to prospectively need in the future.  

This may be a given (better mommy) but it also allows you to reconnect with your child even while he’s not there. I get to look at his artwork while I figure out a filing system for it. My son and I are trying new foods together and we got ourselves a crock pot recently. You should also do some research about yourself too. I recently finally went to a cholesterol specialist-never had time for that and now that I am a single mommy, my health needs to return to priority. 

The bottom line: take the time for you and for them to be enriched and readied for the future. Of course tears will come and for me they still come to this day, but when you wash your face—get back to work. 

 

Heather Piedmont

Heather is a Politico turned special needs single mom who just started journaling her path for other single mom’s. She lives in NYC with the greatest kid ever. 

 

Twitter.Com/heatherpiedmont

LinkedIn.Com/heatherpiedmont 

 




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