3 Ways To Be Fearless After Divorce

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3 Ways To Be Fearless After Divorce

You may have had big, fearless plans for yourself after divorce. 

But here you are now. Still in the same old job. Stuck in the same routine. 

If you still feel stuck, longing for the confidence to make some big changes in your post-divorce life, keep reading! 

These three simple tips will get you feeling fearless and ready to take on the world after divorce, no matter how much you aren’t trusting yourself right now. 

Strategy #1: Reflect On What Is The BEST Thing That Will Happen When I Do This?

Ever notice how when you think about doing something new and bold after divorce, something stops you? 

The moment you start thinking about taking bold action, that inner voice–whether it’s your own insecurity, the sound of your ex-husband, or even your annoyingly practical family–gets louder and louder: 

Are you out of your mind?

What if you get kidnapped? 

It’s soooooo annoying when your inner voice shoots down your fearless idea.

Expect for this to happen A LOT when you take bold action after divorce.

But instead of giving in to the catastrophizing, replace it with the “Best Case Scenario” mindset. 

Replace “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” with “What’s the best thing that can happen?” 

I got a lot of crap after divorce when I quit my stressful male-dominated job in defense to go travel through Asia and Russia for four months.

I got it from older male supervisors who were “concerned for my safety” because they “reminded me of their daughters.” 

I got it from my elderly parents in the Midwest who “didn’t want me to be in financial trouble.”

And I got it from friends who were scared I would end up dead in a Cambodian jungle. 

When you get pushback, remember this one thing:

Don’t give in to the insecurities and anxieties that other people are projecting onto you. 

Don’t let the past narratives that “you don’t deserve it” cloud your dreams today.

Focus instead on all the stuff that is going to come your way by taking the bold action. 

If your disillusioned friend is warning you about dating again, shift your focus instead to how fun it will be to meet new people. 

If your family members are telling you that “you can’t just up and quit your job this close to retirement,” shift your focus instead on your financial picture and how you can make it work.

Remember–if you continue to think of only the bad stuff, you’ll never move on after divorce. 

The bad stuff is just past narratives—the same ones telling you that you don’t deserve to be happy or that you should feel guilty or you should care what people think.

And if you let those narratives win again, you’ll continue to feel stuck. 

METHOD #2: Take One Tiny Step To Your Goal TODAY

Have you ever had a dream that you never did anything about? 

It may be losing 20 pounds to better manage your arthritis.

It may be finally getting the courage to call your sister out on her passive aggressive comments about how you wear your hair and makeup.

It could be finally quitting your job and travelling for a few months through Italy.

These lofty dreams stay unreachable because we get too overwhelmed when it comes to starting them. 

But when you break those dreams down and start with the simplest step, then setting a deadline to get that step done, momentum starts going. 

What is the absolute first step–no matter how small–for you to take today? 

If your fearless goal is to quit your job in two years to go paint the hell out of some wild flowers in New Mexico, plan the first small step you can take to get to that dream. 

That could be just Googling “the best place to live as an artist in New Mexico” and reading about it for 30 minutes instead of looking at Facebook

If your fearless goal is to start playing piano again, Google “piano teachers for adult learners” after you read this blog post.

Then repeat another small step tomorrow. 

And the day after. 

Repeat for an entire month. 

Small fearless changes after divorce don’t happen in a day. 

They will happen, however, if you are consistent. And have the dogged determination to actually live your life the way you love.

METHOD #3: Find Someone To Hold You Accountable

It’s hard to break out of the habits that keep you stuck after divorce. 

I would know. After my divorce, I was in this purgatory of being miserable, but not really doing anything about it. 

I was miserable, but at least I was comfortable. 

I hear that a lot with clients I work with–divorced women who want more from their lives, but are hesitant to make changes. 

You’re not weak or lazy if you can’t make these small steps by yourself. 

That doesn’t mean you give up.

What it does mean is that you ask for help. 

Having someone hold you accountable as you become fearless after divorce will keep you from losing your momentum. A good accountability partner can motivate you, call you out on your BS, and help you reach those fearless goals.. 

But choose your accountability person wisely. 

It should be someone who wants you to do awesome things. Not someone who will try to convince you to “be sensible.” 

Save “being sensible” for getting your mammogram. Not for living fearlessly. 

In order to get out of your comfort zone and do the things that your heart aches for, you’ll need someone who’ll hold you to the promises you make. 

So, get the trainer. 

Hire the coach. 

Or reach out to that straight-shooter friend.

Because you deserve to live fearlessly even when you don’t think you’re capable. 

You are. 

Now, it’s time to take that step. 

You got this. 

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach who helps professional divorced women overcome their divorce pain and break free from the patterns keeping them stuck so they can feel fulfilled, have more fun, and live fearlessly. 

To find out what’s *really* keeping you stuck after divorce, head over to https://marthabodyfelt.com/ to take the 30-second quiz. 

Photo by Oliver Cole on Unsplash



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6 Budgeting Tips for a 2021 Road Trip

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6 Budgeting Tips for a 2021 Road Trip

By Molly Barnes, Digital Nomad Life

Road trips are a blast, but they can also be complicated, especially with kids in tow. Unless you’re flying by the seat of your pants (so to speak), you’ll have to set an itinerary, work out the details of how long it’ll take to get from one place to the next, and, of course, budget and save for the whole thing.

Budgeting can be the most difficult part of planning — a fact that became even more true in 2020, with fluctuating prices, limited options, and safety factors all put into play by the pandemic.

There’s a lot to juggle when you’re budgeting for a vacation, but it’s far from impossible, and you don’t need to let money concerns spoil your fun. When planning for your road trip, take the following steps to make sure it’s a success — and not a source of financial stress.

1. Save up ahead of time  

If you’ve got a tight household budget, you may not have much wiggle room — unless you’ve got a vacation savings plan built in. Which you should.

Set aside a little each month to save up for your road trip. It’s impossible to know exactly how much it’ll cost far in advance (especially with gas prices fluctuating and the cost of accommodations in flux). But you can map out a general budget, then set aside a little extra in case of emergencies.

When you leave will likely depend on how much you save, so if you’ve set a specific target date (or scheduled your vacation with the boss), you’ll have to be diligent about sticking to your pre-trip budget. Otherwise, you might have to shorten your trip, pick a different route, or, worse, wait ‘til next year. 

2. Map out your route  

How much you budget (and spend) will depend at least in part on where you plan to go. Road trips are great because they can cost less than buying an airline ticket, and you can see a lot of things you’d just be flying over otherwise.

Many of the most eye-catching and beautiful sights are visible from the side of the road, or with a short detour. There are many scenic highways from which to choose, all across the country, with plenty of opportunities for “oohs” and “ahs” and making photographic memories.

Take your camera (or camera phone) and be on the lookout for breathtaking overlooks from mountain roads, historic bridges with majestic arches — even in this U.S., some are nearly a century old — timeless forests, or gigantic rock formations.

3. Give your vehicle a checkup

The last thing you and your budget need on a road trip is to have your car break down, so make sure its service record is up to date before you go. 

Check the tread on your tires (you can use a coin to see where you stand) and replace them if any are too bare. Also, get an oil change and/or a tuneup — even if you aren’t quite due yet. You don’t want to have the oil light go on halfway through an extended trip and make you interrupt your fun with a few hours at a service station. 

Take along an automotive tool kit, just in case you run into trouble despite your preparations. While you’re at it, make sure your car insurance is up to date and covers everything you need it to cover. Also, having a roadside assistance plan isn’t a bad idea for long trips.

4. Have a credit cushion

No matter how carefully you plan, something can always go wrong. Be prepared to roll with Murphy’s Law by making sure you’ve got enough credit to handle the unexpected. You may even have credit problems, but don’t let that stop you from taking your trip. 

You can secure a fixed amount of credit on a card by depositing a few hundred dollars in an account to cover emergency expenses, if need be. With this kind of card, your deposit amount will be your credit limit, so you can’t go over. It’s another form of budgeting that helps you build your credit as you go.

5. Stock up before you drive off

Taking your own supplies on the road became a common practice during the pandemic. Disinfectant wipes, masks, and hand sanitizer became must-have supplies. It’s also become routine to stock up on food, water, and other essentials before departing — since the fewer stops you make, the less likely you are to come into contact with someone who has the virus.

Even as conditions improve and restrictions are lifting, these are good habits to maintain. Grabbing granola bars, water, soft drinks, snacks, and essential items before you leave will save you time and money: It’s a lot cheaper at your home grocery store than at a convenience store along the way.

6. Look for deals on gas, lodging

Discounts are always worth pursuing, regardless of your budget. Why pay more than you have to? There are plenty of tools to help with that. Download an app to find the cheapest gas and qualify for deals, or grab a loyalty discount card from a chain you trust.

Hotels offer preferred-customer deals, too. Some travel apps give you a free night after you’ve reserved 10 nights through their service, and hotel chains offer similar deals for repeat customers.

Budgeting for a road trip doesn’t have to be a headache. Just the opposite: It can save you headaches down the road. If you know how to find deals, prevent trouble, and put yourself in good financial shape ahead of time, there’s no reason your road trip can’t be full of awesomeness.

 

 

 



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One Coparenting Mistake You Should Avoid This Holiday Season – Divorce & Children

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One Coparenting Mistake You Should Avoid This Holiday Season – Divorce & Children


HANDLING HOLIDAYS AFTER DIVORCE AS COPARENTS CAN BE TRICKY.

The holidays are here. Although it’s meant to be a warm and fuzzy time of year when goodwill prevails, sadly for many coparents, the reason for the season transforms into a vicious game of “one-upping.” If  “one-upping” isn’t part of your day to day vocabulary, it basically translates to “Anything you do for the kids, I will do better.”

While it didn’t happen over the holidays, Stacey and Eric, a couple I worked with a few years ago, always come to mind as a perfect example of what not to do.

Their story went something like this…

Stacey was absolutely livid. So angry she was screaming on the other end of the phone “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SON OF A B*TCH DID? HE CHEATED ME OUT OF A ONCE IN A LIFETIME MOMENT.”

Whatever her Ex, Eric had done, it clearly had pushed Stacey right over the edge. I braced myself for the big reveal.

What exactly had sent this mom into a blind rage you ask?

Bailey, Stacey’s five-year-old daughter, had just lost her first tooth… at her Dad’s house.

You might be thinking, okay, seriously? It’s not that big of a deal. It’s a just tooth, right?

However, for Stacey and Eric, EVERYTHING was a VERY BIG deal from the word go. Sadly, the two of them had been going at it ever since the split. Even worse, they put most of their energy into trying to “one-up” each other at every turn. Anything they could do to make the other parent look bad, they did.

According to Stacey, when Bailey lost her tooth, she asked her Dad if she could take it home to Mom’s house.

Any guesses about how Dad handled Bailey’s request?

Wait for it…

Eric told Bailey that the Tooth Fairy was much better at Dad’s house, and if she wanted to make the Tooth Fairy happy, she should really put her tooth under her pillow at his home.

AND boy did the Tooth Fairy deliver. When Bailey woke up the next morning, she found a crisp $20 twenty-dollar bill under her pillow. Quite a return for a first tooth!

As you might expect, Bailey was over the moon and called Mom right away to tell her the big news. Instead of sharing in Bailey’s excitement, Stacey went off like a bottle rocket and began interrogating Bailey about why she didn’t wait and bring the tooth to her house. After all, that was her REAL home. When Bailey told Stacey about Dad’s comment, more fireworks ensued.

In the end, Stacey decided to resolve the issue by sliding another $20 under Bailey’s pillow at her house. When Bailey returned, Stacey told Bailey, “See…the Tooth Fairy is just as good at Mom’s house. Next time save your teeth and make sure they go under your pillow here and not at Dad’s. We don’t want to upset the Tooth Fairy.”

This poor kid.

While Bailey scored $40 bucks out of the deal, one can only imagine how incredibly confusing and uncomfortable this whole “Tooth Fairy” ordeal must have been for her. AND how much more uncomfortable and confusing life between her two homes was going to be in the future.

While I’d love to tell you as a divorce coach, I don’t run across situations like this often, the truth is the issue of “one-upping” happens ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes it involves both parents competing to prove who’s the “best” parent. Other times, it’s one parent looking to tip the scales in their favor and show up the other coparent.

Many times, I run across coparents who don’t want to compete at all. Instead, their struggle is how to handle the “Excess Express” that seems to be running 24/7 at the other parent’s home.

Sadly, situations like this tend to ramp up in a BIG way during the holiday season. Times that should be marked with special memories for kids end up getting contaminated with tension, stress, anxiety, confusion, and conflict.

If you’ve ever struggled with a competing coparent or occasionally have an urge to splurge and even the odds, here are a few tips worth considering.

HOW TO AVOID BEING A COMPETING COPARENT DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Be clear about your “why.”

I get that your situation may be very different than Stacey and Eric’s. However, the temptation to want to be THE PARENT who gives the BEST gifts (or makes an event the MOST SPECIAL) can be tough to resist.

After all, what parent doesn’t want to do nice stuff for their kids? Right?

While there’s nothing wrong with making occasions memorable or giving your kids nice things, make sure you’re clear about the intention behind the gift or gesture.

When considering options, get honest with yourself. Think through the “why” behind your gift and how giving this gift will impact your child. It might also not hurt to consider how it will affect the other household. Imagine, you have the means to give your child an expensive gift, but your coparent’s finances are limited. How might that make your child feel?

Keep in mind that parents aren’t the only ones who are impacted by these differences. Kids are often very sensitive to situations where one parent has more and one struggles.

To head off a potentially uncomfortable situation, you could approach the other parent about giving bigger gifts jointly. If finances are an issue, propose splitting the cost 70/30 or 60/40 instead of 50/50.

While it’s not your responsibility to compensate for the other parent’s financial situation, consider the message you’re sending to your children. First, joint gifts remove potential anxiety for kids about differences between households. It also sends a pretty clear message to your children that they matter more than any feelings you have towards each other.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVE A COMPETING COPARENT

You do you.

If you have a competing coparent and struggle with wanting to keep up, resist the impulse to even the odds. Instead, circle back and re-examine your values.

Ask yourself…What kind of example do I want to set for my children? What kind of people do I want them to grow up to be? What kinds of gestures or gifts support my values?

While the lure of “stuff” can make any self-respecting kid swoon, the novelty often wears off fast. What tends to have staying power, however, are thoughtful gestures and points of connection.

Do your best to stay focused on your values, what you believe is best for your kids, and not on what the other parent spends. Will it always be an easy thing to do? Absolutely not. There will be times when it will take a tremendous amount of restraint not to go there.

When Mom takes the kids on a dream vacay to Disney, and the best you can do is a weekend at a state park, it’ll probably feel pretty unfair and crappy.

Suppose Dad has set his house up with every gaming system gadget known to man. It may really suck to be the house that is without.

Keep in mind, the goal is to play the long game. Over time kids get wise to a parent who tries to “buy” their love.


Remember, what matters most to children isn’t the presents they are given but your presence in their lives.

 

Keep it to yourself.

When you see your child’s eyes light up over a lavish gift from the other parent, it can take every ounce of self-control not to share your opinion about “said” gift. Especially when it doesn’t align with your values or feels like a blatant attempt to make you look bad.

Although it can be super tricky, do your best to control your reaction and not rain on your child’s parade.

Think about it this way… imagine your boss gave you a brand new shiny red car for being a valued employee. Incredibly excited, the first thing you do is show it to your coworker.

Suppose your coworker’s response was less than enthusiastic, and they started drilling you with questions like…” Why did they give you a red car? I thought blue was your favorite color.” “Why did your boss pick such an expensive car? It seems a little over the top. Couldn’t they have gotten you something that was more reasonable?”

You get the picture.

Hearing your disapproval or side comment is not the best way to highlight your values. AND chances are sharing your POV will only leave your kids feel lousy.

Keep in mind, children are extremely sensitive to how their parents feel. When they sense your stress or upset, they often sidestep issues by filtering what they say or avoid sharing things with you altogether. Is that what you really want?

 

Okay, I realize a lot of this may come off as a little idealistic to some coparents.

There may be times when putting some of these suggestions into action may even feel damn near impossible.

In some situations, cooperation or consideration from the other side may not be realistic. You might have a coparent that is hell-bent on showing you up. Perhaps you have one that’s determined to give children everything and anything they want.

It may be the best you can do is not make the holidays any harder for your kids.

No matter what the other parent does, you keep doing you and stay focus on your children. Although it may not feel like it right now, in the end, it makes a bigger difference than you realize.

BTW – if you’re looking for other holiday suggestions and tips, I listed a few links below that may come in handy.

Handling Holiday Hassles With An Ex Who Hates You

6 Things Children Of Divorce Want From Their Parents This Holiday Season

PS – If you’re feeling alone and overwhelmed by your divorce or maybe you have a coparent who is determined to make life miserable,  consider taking a peek at my brand new online course. I developed it to help parents, just like you, get the help you need to make life better for you and your kids.

Sending lots of love, holiday wishes and joy your way.

x,c



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One Mindset Shift That Could Change How Divorce Affects Your Children – Divorce & Children

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One Mindset Shift That Could Change How Divorce Affects Your Children – Divorce & Children

For coparents thinking about the effects of divorce on children.

Over the past week, how many emails have you gotten so far that read something like this…“Welcome to 2020! A brand-new year and a brand-new decade,” or “OMG, it’s 2020!!! Happy Freaking New Year!!

If your inbox is anything like mine, you’ve probably gotten quite a few of these. TBH, I’m not feeling it.

I know, I know… A New Year is supposed to be a time when everyone thinks about fresh starts, new beginnings, and making big changes.

Me? I’m still in reflection mode and processing what happened in our family this Christmas for the first time in decades and why it took sooooo freaking long to get there.

It’s something I’ve never written about before. And even though parts of it are hard to admit, it’s important to me to walk my talk.

As a coach, I ask parents to do hard things all the time, things that feel awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes even impossible. We all have our own sh*t to deal with, and that includes me.

A little back-story.

How my parent’s divorce impacted me.

When I was 14-years-old, my parents split up. And it wasn’t pretty. While there wasn’t a lot of open hostility, there was A LOT of conflict and underlying tension.

Tension that was never really acknowledged by either one of them.

I’m sure my parents never meant to put us in the middle. However, that’s exactly where we ended up. My guess is they never realized how much their issues with each other impacted us because we never talked about it.

Like most kids of divorce, my sisters and I learned pretty quickly how to navigate the friction. The message we got loud and clear was put it behind you, keep moving forward and don’t rock the boat.

Since I was the oldest, I usually got stuck with mediating issues, listening to the subtle jabs, and facilitating communication about child-related issues. Classic child in the middle stuff.

After I became an adult and my Dad moved to another state, the need to juggle those delicate situations only came up when significant events were on the horizon. Think graduations, weddings, birth of children…you get the idea.

Unfortunately, instead of being excited about what was happening in my life, I usually ended up stressing over how I was going to handle the two of them. These occasions almost always involved one of my parents getting their feelings hurt, being angry, or blaming the other one for messing things up.

Sadly, over the years, I had gotten so used to focusing on them, that I never stopped to think about how I felt or what I needed.

While I’d like to tell you that’s rare for children with divorced parents, the truth is for most of us, it’s not.

Here’s what changed.

This year, however, that changed.

When my Dad’s health took a turn for the worse, we moved him back to Texas. Instead of being states away, he was living in a house 10 yards from my backdoor.

Not only were my parents both in the same town, now they lived minutes away from each other.

Ironic right?

As expected, a whole new level of awkward emerged. All the stress and tension from being stuck in the middle came flooding back for me. Sigh.

I know what you’re thinking… divorce coach heal thy self and thy family.

Well, this year for Christmas, that’s pretty much what I did. I decided it was time to find a new way forward for our family.

In a not so diplomatic fashion, I declared our usual Christmas Eve family dinner would be at my house. AND there would only be one celebration. No shuffling back and forth, no juggling agendas. One dinner, one table, and everyone was expected to show up.

There was some apprehension, a little push back, but I stuck to my guns and braced myself for things to go completely pear-shaped.

AND you know what?

Much to my surprise, it was all okay. In fact, it was better than okay. Everyone got along, nobody had a meltdown. Nobody got upset or got their feelings hurt.

I watched my Bonus Dad and Bio Dad engage in pleasant conversation. There were no awkward moments between my Mom and Dad to navigate. We all had a lovely evening. For the first time ever, my kids saw all of my parents in the same room together.

I should be over the moon, right?

Even though things were better, they still weren’t okay.

Yet, the thing that keeps nagging at me is this… why did it take decades to get there? Why couldn’t my parents have buried the hatchet years ago?

Maybe they both just needed time. While there may be some truth to that, I’m not sure that’s all of it.

I frequently tell parents I coach, “It’s hard to see the picture when you’re in the frame.”

When my parents went through their divorce, they simply didn’t have any support. There weren’t mandatory classes for parents who split up, no Facebook support groups, no online courses, or divorce coaches like me.

They dealt with it on their own and fell into the trap of staying inside their own frame.

And that my friends can happen to anyone of us. Divorce comes with lots of challenges, parenting dilemmas, and tough calls.

Maybe you’re coparenting with someone who is continually saying bad things about you in front of your kids. Shouldn’t you defend yourself and tell children your side of the story?

You might have kids who don’t want to go to the other parent’s house, and you can’t help but wonder what that parent is doing wrong. Should you make your children go?

Maybe you feel gutted over your EX being unfaithful and are struggling over what to say to your kids. Shouldn’t they know about the affair?

You might have an Ex who isn’t actively involved in your children’s lives and never keeps their promises. Should you make excuses for them or tell your kids the truth?

Knowing what to do in the moment is hard, but this mindset shift can help.

Moving past what feels unfair, biting your tongue, swallowing your pride, letting go of judgments, or practicing radical acceptance can be a really tall order.

AND…most of us don’t get there without help.

Without a doubt,  staying inside your frame is always the easier option. It takes courage and commitment to seek out information and connect with others. Especially when the effort you put out often goes unnoticed. So for everything you do to shift the way you see things, THANK YOU!

Regardless of your situation or circumstance, if you’re struggling, I hope you’ll consider finding the support you need to get that extra dose of perspective.

Have coffee with a trusted friend who’ll listen and actually tell you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. Find a good coparenting book. Seek out a therapist or a coach. Join a Facebook group that supports positive coparenting. You might consider an online course or taking advantage of my free 30-minute coaching offer.

Because if not now, then when?

Here’s to a New Year and stepping outside the frame.
x, c

 

 

 

PS- As always some of the most meaningful stories and lessons come from you. If you have a story about stepping outside of the frame, please share in the comments section below, I’d love to hear it.

 

 



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Welcome to Our Blog – There’s Life After Divorce

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Welcome to Our Blog – There’s Life After Divorce

There’s Life After Divorce
Phone: 321.344.0252

Email: Lindseysharp@me.com

Areas Served: Florida’s Brevard County cities of Melbourne, Titusville, Cocoa, Palm Bay, Grant, Valkaria, and Rockledge, as well as in the Indian River County areas of Fellsmere, Sebastian, Vero Beach, Indian River Shores, Orchid and other areas throughout United States.

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How to stay resilient when life gets tough – Divorce & Children

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How to stay resilient when life gets tough – Divorce & Children

 

I hope that you and yours have managed to stay safe and healthy over the past couple of months. For some of you, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. I thought you should know why.

I don’t know one single person whose life hasn’t been impacted by the multitude of challenges this year has thrown our way.

Anybody else ready to be done with 2020?

I know I am.

2020 hasn’t been a banner year for the McGhee household, but probably not for the reasons you’d expect.

Since January hit, we’ve had two deaths in the family.

My father was hospitalized for the second time in three months, the first time involved open-heart surgery.

One of my children was in a serious car accident and ended up in the Emergency Room, (thankfully she only sustained minor injuries.)

My husband was quarantined twice due to possible COVID exposure. Days after being released from quarantine, he managed to injure his foot and spent two more weeks on crutches.

Our empty nest became not so empty with children cycling in and out of our home, seeking refuge from bad relationships, lost jobs, and struggles with addiction.

And then we lost Frankie, who was my youngest daughter’s forever friend, confidante, bucket-list buddy and partner in crime. For the better part of seven years, wherever you found one, the other was not far behind. Throughout their friendship, Frankie not only became a permanent fixture in our home but also in our hearts.

I can’t even begin to describe how devastating her death has been for our daughter and our family.

AND in the backdrop of our family struggles, a series of unprecedented situations have put an end to life as we have known it.

Not just for some of us, but for all of us.

Our day-to-day lives have been upended by a pandemic of epic proportions, economic instability, social inequity, rampant racism, polarized ideologies, and political chaos.

In the midst of trying to get a handle on this unique and troubling time, there are lots of us who are grappling with challenges stacked on top of challenges.

Just like me, you too might be feeling like as soon as you put out one fire, another one pops up to take its place.

Maybe you just landed the job of your dreams, and now you’re wondering if you’re even going to have a job after the dust settles.

In addition to locking down your household, you might have become quarantine captain for aging parents or your college student who had to transition to online classes.

You may have just gotten into a rhythm of transitioning between homes. Now you’re dealing with a coparent who is refusing to be flexible or pay attention to social distancing guidelines.

Perhaps during the pandemic, you’ve had to put your plans to divorce on hold and figure out how to coexist while keeping the tension and conflict in check.

As you deal with the pressures of working from home, you’ve also had to take on the role of teacher and full-time single parent.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg for most of us.

The bigger question for me is,
How do we find our way to the other side of it? How can you stay resilient when it just doesn’t feel like life will ever let up?

Recently I was reading Option B: Facing adversity, building resilience, and finding joy by Sheryl Sandberg and psychologist Adam Grant.  In it, they reference the work of positive psychology expert, Martin Seligman. He proposes that three beliefs can inhibit our ability to bounce back from tough times.

They are:

Personalization – the belief that hardships we face are somehow our fault.
Pervasiveness – the belief that what has happened will impact all areas of our life.
Permanence – the belief that how we feel about a difficult or devastating event will never end.

After reading this, I realized that when life is challenging, it’s easy for me to slip into these beliefs, especially when I’m getting hit from every side.

I tend to personalize what’s happening by engaging in self-blaming.
You know how it goes, “I should have done this…” “I shouldn’t have done that…” or “If only I had…”

And when I’m overwhelmed, pervasiveness is usually hot on my heels. I tend to view everything in my life as negative. I stop missing the moments of joy because I’m caught up in waiting for the other shoe to fall.

The worst part is when permanence arrives on the scene. I get sucked into thinking this is the way it will always be. Nothing will ever get better.

When I got to thinking about it, I came up with one other “P” that helps me shift my mindset and connect with the resilient part of myself…points of connection.

When I can connect with others who truly understand my situation, a tribe of like-minded people, or access good information that offers me a different perspective, I feel more capable, confident, and hopeful. It doesn’t take away the challenge, but instead of staying miserable, it helps me move forward in a different way.

Which is one of the reasons in the midst of all of this hard stuff, I made time to talk with my friend and colleague, Wendy Sterling, host of the “Beyond Divorce Summit: Discover the Secrets to Disconnect, Set Boundaries and Move Forward.”

During my interview with her, we discussed how to talk to kids and what it takes to handle those tough divorce-related conversations.

I know how incredibly challenging splitting up can be, and when you’re in it, it can feel like you’re slaying a million dragons at once.

You spend your nights lying awake wondering…

  • Did I make the right choice?
  • Will my kids be okay? What do I tell them?
  • How am I going to make it financially?
  • How can I coparent with a narcissistic Ex?
  • Will I ever feel happy again? Or is this as good as it gets?

This unique event brings together a series of interviews from 33 top-notch divorce experts that taps into their individual wisdom about a wide range of critical life-changing topics. AND the best part? It’s totally FREE. There’s no upsell. No catch at all.

And it gets even better, once you sign up you will receive a link to a new video every day for 33 days. All the interviews are relatable, short, and to the point. You can tune in while you’re getting ready in the morning, out on your daily run, or after the kids have gone to bed.

Along with the interviews, each expert will also be giving away a free special gift. It doesn’t get much better than that.

If you’re looking for positive points of connection, sign up today for this fabulous opportunity. It starts Tuesday, June 9th, 2020.

In the meantime, I’m going to work on getting back into the saddle. I’m committed to growing this community and thinking about new ways for me to connect with you in the coming months.

BTW- what keeps you going when times get tough?  Do you have a story to share? 
Feel free to chime in below. I’d love to hear from you.

 

Keep hanging in there!
X,C

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Erasing Family (2020) | Full Documentary | US Divorce Court System

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Erasing Family (2020) | Full Documentary | US Divorce Court System

Erasing Family – In North America, over 25 MILLION PARENTS are being erased from their children’s lives after divorce and separation. The ERASING FAMILY documentary follows young adults fighting to reunite with their broken families. Through the eyes of 23-year-old Ashlynn, 12-year-old Lauren and 28-year-old Brian, consequences on mental health caused by profiteering high-conflict divorce court settlements are revealed. The film shows programs that encourage mediation and shared parenting which will prevent parental alienation and future childhood trauma, making divorce and separation less costly both financially and emotionally. The film ends with children and parents being reunited on screen and will inspire other kids to reach out to #erased parents, siblings and grandparents. Contact www.erasingfamily.org for help and resources 2020 Director: Ginger Gentile Subscribe For More Documentaries 👉 http://bit.ly/SubToDocumentaries **This film is under non-exclusive license from Glass House Distribution. All rights reserved** #Documentary #Divorce #ErasingFmaily
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Women’s Divorce Blog

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Women’s Divorce Blog

This Women’s Divorce Blog gives a brief overview of current divorce articles, updates, and news to help you navigate the divorce journey and beyond. You’ll get information and tips discussing: 

An easy way to keep up with these updates to our Divorce blog is through our RSS feed. This feed displays a short recap of what appears on this page and you can read it through your RSS reader. If you’re unsure about how to get this RSS feed, simply click on this link What’s an RSS Feed?

Important: This feed is provided only for the personal, non-commercial use of our visitors. There is no charge to receive the feed and we reserve the right to discontinue updates or disable the feed without notice.



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A Divorce Attorney Explains What's In a Prenuptial Agreement

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A Divorce Attorney Explains What's In a Prenuptial Agreement

Before this couple ties the knot, should they consider signing a prenuptial agreement? According to Vikki Ziegler, a divorce attorney who stars on Bravo’s Untying the Knot, it’s an important pre-marital step to consider. For more follow the hashtag #RachaelRayShow
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Are You Ready for Post Divorce Dating

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Are You Ready for Post Divorce Dating

Post divorce dating is scary enough, but if you start dating too soon, you set yourself up for disappointment and heartache. If you’re trying to figure out if it’s the right time, here are some tips to help you decide if you’re ready for the dating scene.

Are you ready to date yet?

By Antonia Ragozzino

If you are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to date after your divorce, think about the dynamics of spending time with someone else during this really uncomfortable time in your life.

This past summer, I was primping for a date with a really nice guy and looking forward to an amazing dinner. It was such a treat as I had been so ready to meet new people, enjoy great food and great conversation.

As soon as he picked me up, I felt tension in the car. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was slightly awkward. I had known this gentleman for a short period of time through a friend at work. We were not complete strangers, so I was wondering what the tension was that I could slice with a knife. We sat to dinner and continued idle chit chat. He was very pleasant, but hardly cracked a smile and seemed preoccupied.

As we started discussing the menu, the talk of the ex-wife surfaced. Anywhere from “My wife hated sushi, that’s why I could never do sushi!” to “I never really went out on Saturday nights, my wife and I enjoyed dinner at home and a movie.”

So there were several things going on here. He was still holding on to his past and a social Saturday night. Also, he was not comfortable being out on a Saturday night as it was not his scene. As dinner went on, he huffed, puffed, yawned, looked around the room, and seemed to be very negative.

I don’t think it was me at all, I just think he wasn’t comfortable with himself or the social dating scene yet. I was as cordial as I could be but I ended up counseling him all night long on his emotional baggage and how to throw it out. The ride home, directly after the bill was paid, consisted of me telling him he is going to have a rough couple of months and to hang in there and stay strong.

As I was getting out of the car, he hugged me, thanked me and said “you are really cool, take care.” Um…ok, that clearly meant he was not in any way planning on seeing me again, which was completely ok. I walked to my house mentally exhausted. I wanted a light Saturday night with good food and conversation and maybe a spark. At least I got a great dinner for my counseling services.

So think about yourself now. Do you feel like the poor defeated divorced gentlemen that tried so hard to go out on a date with me?

If you are suffering the following, you are ill-prepared and not ready to date:

  1. If you are unable to let go of the past or at least tuck it aside for a few hours on a date, you should not be out. 
  2. If you are unable to carry on a conversation without filing complaints, introducing comparisons or stories regarding your ex or inviting your ex into every facet of the conversation, you should not be out. 
  3. If you are unable to let your hair and your guard down and really get to know the person sitting across the table from you without being distracted or seeming disinterested, you should not be out.

If 1, 2 or 3 describes you at the moment, I wouldn’t want to date you, would you?

When is the right time for post divorce dating?

So think about it and do not rush. Do not blast through all of the time it takes to really be comfortable in the company of yourself and truly decide what you want moving forward in a partner. 

Post divorce dating - should you date or wait?

Most times we are desperate to jump in and fill the emptiness that we just do not take the time to breathe, clear out the negativity and regain a fresh positive perspective on what we want. Know that your feelings are normal and ok. Everyone goes through the exact same thing. 

But do not feel you have to hurry up and date to fill the void you feel right now. The void needs to be filled with happiness, acceptance and love for yourself. As soon as this is fulfilled anyone would be happy and lucky to date you! Now go and enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

It’s ok to go on a friendly date and be social, but realize that’s all it is. Be ok with it, have a few laughs and enjoy. But if you think you are ready for heavy dating, you probably will have those horrible negative times with some really great people.

Not every date or person has to be the right fit either, so keep in mind that though you may not have a spark or attraction, you may be on the verge of making a great new friend. Every date is an opportunity to harvest something good. Extract what you can whether it is romance, a new friend or just a nice evening out.

For now, enjoy yourself. Get your strength back and get your relationship back with you! Learn who you are after this divorce. Get to know this person and learn how to be comfortable with this person. Whoever this new you is, anyone would be dying to go on a date with.

Nobody wants to masquerade as the “Divorce Whisperer” on their first date. Your date should not be forced to act as the Mother Teresa or the Pope either.

There is a difference between stating a fact that is relevant to a conversation and constant complaining and whining. You should look forward to the date and consider it a pleasant opportunity of adventure and not treat it as an ex-bashing party where your date unfortunately becomes collateral damage.

Antonia Ragozzino, Author of “Taking Out the Trash”  (#ad – As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases)
Follow me on Twitter: @TakingOutTrash

If you’ve healed enough to try a little post divorce dating, keep reading for tips on how to get started:

  1. Divorce
    2. ›
  2. Dating after Divorce
    3. ›
  3. Are You Ready for Post-divorce Dating


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