When you divorce, you don’t divorce your children. Nor do you and your spouse end your relationship as parents. It’s not easy, but if you are willing to engage in healthy co-parenting, there are so many benefits for your kids and for you, as well.
How you handle your ongoing relationship as parents requires work, and how you handle this role post-divorce is the most critical thing you have to do because it affects how your divorce will impact your children. If you can both find a way to be healthy co-parents together, perhaps even better co-parents than when you were married, you can mitigate the impact your divorce has on your children, and on yourselves, and allow healing for your family in a healthier way.
My name is Michael Cohen and I am a divorce mediator in Lake Forest, IL. I am also a father who went through a divorce and saw first-hand the impact a divorce can have on children. It is why I became a divorce mediator, to help preserve parents’ ability to be healthy co-parents during and after their divorce.
When you divorce, you can either “parallel parent” or co-parent.” Let me explain both methods:
1. Parallel Parenting:
- Parallel parenting means that you each are the best parent you can be, individually, without coordination and often times with little to no sharing of information or collaborating about your children.
- Parallel parenting is often employed when the parents can’t talk to each other in a healthy manner or can’t put their children first because they can’t stop focusing on the reasons for their divorce. Sometimes this can’t be avoided, but I encourage you to try not to parallel parent.
Even in healthy marriages, children find gaps between mom and dad to get or do what they want. The more aligned parents are, the closer they can stand together and the more unified the parenting message, the better chance parents can raise their children under the umbrella that forms the values, character, work ethic and mental health both parents envision for their children.
However, when parents divorce and they parallel parent, they don’t communicate with each other about the children and they don’t work together for their children’s benefit. Children are very smart,and they immediately see that there is a large gap between mom and dad through which they can find room to develop bad habits, not work as hard in school or have unhealthy relationships. This can lead to children showing distinct impacts of the divorce in their development, and can create immense guilt in both parents because of the impact their divorce has on their children.
2. Co-Parenting:
When you co-parent:
1. Both parents communicate regularly about the children:
- This allows you both to know what the children are doing and how they are feeling, so you can both support their specific needs.
- This also opens the door to collaboration and working together to “parent” and find the best ways to raise your children.
- More importantly, it shows your children that you are still standing next to each other as their parents, which in turn greatly mitigates the impact your divorce will have on your children.
2. Both parents are flexible & supportive of each other:
I often tell my clients, when the other parent needs your help with the children, “the answer is always yes” (if you are able to help). These are YOUR children and this is BONUS time with your children. Take it, help your former spouse and enjoy some additional time with your children. Not only is helping each other good for you and the children, but it also opens the door for your former spouse to be flexible to help you when you need help as well.
When parents co-parent together, their children see that mom and dad are on the same page, and you minimize perceived gaps between both of you. This allows you both to have a more joint and directive role over your children to help them to develop into the children you both always envisioned you would raise.
Another benefit of co-parenting in a healthy way is to enhance your mental health. This may be difficult to do immediately after your divorce, but the sooner you can work together as co-parents, the sooner you can minimize the stress you might feel otherwise when crossing paths with your former spouse. And you just might make other divorced couples jealous of how well you both work together for the benefit of your children.
What if you and your other parent can’t find a way to communicate and collaborate for your children? All is not lost.
You can still give your children the “appearance” of co-parenting, by texting each other an update about the children prior to every transition (what did the kids do, what did they enjoy, how were they feeling, etc.). This allows the other parent to open discussions with the children about their time with you, which shows the children that mom and dad are united and working together for them. It also allows you both to be better understand how your children are doing even when they are with their other parent.
You can also agree to be civil during transitions or when at the childrens’ events, showing friendship, for your children’s benefit. Seeing you both being nice to each other, being comfortable near each other, and seemingly friends, is of such value for your children when the alterative is letting them see that their mom and dad can’t be near each other, let alone speak to each other. Sometimes this requires “taking the high road”, but it is all done for your children’s benefit.
Tips For Developing A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship:
- During your divorce journey you will discuss whether you want full or joint physical and legal custody. Ask your divorce professional to also ask you both to align on whether you want to parallel or co-parent your children.
- If you are mediating your divorce, work with your mediator to outline co-parenting guidelines that you both will respect and adhere to. A divorce mediator can help you to outline a plan that will guide you both as parents.
- Keep your children front and center in everything you do and remember that you are the adults and they are the children. Show them you can both be adults and be the parents that they deserve.
- Take pride in successes. It is not easy to communication as a couple post-divorce, but if you mediate, you can more easily do so (because your divorce mediator will help you build healthy communication habits). When you find yourselves doing something positive for the children together, recognize each other, thank each other, tell each other how much you appreciate being able to put the children first and be good parents for your children.
- Don’t get frustrated if emotions get the better of you from time to time. It happens. Put your children back in front, take the high road, be the better person, and know that your children deserve mom and dad working together for them.
Final Thoughts:
- No one in the world will ever care more about your children than both parents.
- No one in the world will receive more joy from the way your children develop than both parents.
- Enjoy this feeling, know that you and your children’s other parent share something very unique and special.
- Work together, be the parents you always wanted your children to have.
- Your children will thank you immensely, because the alternative often creates challenges for your children. Put your children first.
- PS: When you become healthy co-parents, you actually learn how to move past your divorce in a healthier way, with less baggage and more pride, which also allows you both to more quickly move toward your next phase in life with a more healthy outlook.
If you have any questions about parenting during and after your divorce I provide consultations at no cost and I am happy to help you both understand how important it is to your children for you to co-parent together. You can reach me at (224) 544-9990 and you can learn more about my divorce mediation services at michaelsmediation.com
