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Going through a divorce is probably one of the most stressful times you’ll ever go through in your life. It’s a good thing you have your girlfriends there to support you! Or do you? When it comes to divorce and friendships, maybe not. Things can get really complicated.
I can remember at the beginning of my divorce, one of my really good friends (who had been my friend for a several years ) babysat my kids while I had to go to court. That was only one of the million thoughtful, kind things she did for me. She sat there holding my hand throughout the first few months of my separation. I can’t even count the number of times I went to her house and she was ready with a bottle of wine and a homemade meal. I felt beyond lucky to have her. I really opened up to her, I cried to her, and she listened and comforted me. It was a gift.
But as time went on, and things started to get better for me, things began to change. And it was very strange. She stopped calling. She stopped returning my calls. She stopped making plans with me. When I called to tell her I met someone, she never called me back. When I called to share the news that I had a book being published, I never heard back.
I must have invited her and her family over to my house for dinner 25 times and she declined every time. It took awhile, but I finally got the message that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I’ve always wondered why, but ask any woman on earth and she will have a similar story.
Every woman has had a girlfriend dump her.
It’s not easy. It’s beyond hurtful and it takes a long time to get over it. At least it did for me.
I think the timing of the dumping is interesting, though, which relates to this article. I really think there are some women who will be there for you through the bad times of your divorce, but who want nothing to do with you when you get your life together. I always found that strange, but a number of women tell me they have similar stories.
The best kind of friend is someone who is there for you during both the bad times and the good times. Someone who is your friend whether you are married or divorced. Someone who you can sob to during unbearably sad times, and someone who will truly be happy for you when something amazing happens.
I can remember at the beginning of my divorce, a lot of people wanted to go out with me, meaning have drinks or dinner or lunch. My phone was really ringing off the wall at that time, and I’d meet these people, and tell them all about why I was getting divorced, and then I wouldn’t hear from them again.
I began to wonder if they just wanted to get together to hear the scoop of what happened in my marriage. Maybe they were curious. Maybe they wanted to compare my story with THEIR marriage. Or, maybe they were just being kind and wanted to show support. I really don’t have anything against those people, but I think it’s interesting.
What also ended up happening at the beginning of my divorce was that I met a woman in my kickboxing class who was also getting divorced. We went out to dinner and became instant friends.
Over the next couple of years, several women at our gym started getting separated, and they would come up to one of us and start crying. Looking back, it was kind of funny. She and I became the “go to” people for divorcees. But it was a good feeling to be able to provide someone with some comfort. Just seeing me kickboxing and looking normal probably made women think, “Okay, she went through a divorce and she seems like she’s doing pretty well.”
I think that when it comes to divorce and friendships, you lose some friends because of the divorce, but you make new friends, or people you didn’t know very well become good friends–especially those who are also going through a divorce or who are divorced.
This is a quote from my book, “Who Let the Dogs Out:”
“Divorce friendships can be meaningful and special in the moment, and a divorced friend will have your back like no one else in certain situations. But divorced friendships are much more volatile, and they tend to be shorter-lived. I guess you could say the friendships can turn out to be circumstantial. When people get over their divorces and move on, they sometimes realize they have nothing in common with the same person who was their lifesaver during that brutally painful time.”
The quote from my book could apply to friendships in any stage of life, because they can largely depend on our circumstances and how much we have in common with those people at that time.
Of course, there are always the true friends who remain your friend no matter what your marital status is or what is going on in your life (and their life.) The friends I have in this category mean the world to me and I would never take them for granted. They love me (and I love them) no matter what.
The friends you lose, you have to just accept it. It’s not easy. In fact, it hurts like hell. Sometimes losing a friend feels like a breakup. A friend might feel like they have to choose you or your ex, and they choose your ex. Or, they might be married, and feel funny or threatened by spending too much time with a single woman. Or, maybe they just don’t feel like the two of you have anything in common anymore after you get divorced.
I once got an email message from a woman who was breaking up with me! I swear, it’s true! She wrote something like, “I really like you and think you are a good person, but at this time, I don’t feel like we have much in common, and I think we should part ways.” That was like a punch in the stomach!
In any case, my advice for divorce and friendships is try not to take it personally. If you feel you have been the best friend you possibly can, then realize that it’s HER, not you. SHE can’t handle your divorce. Or SHE can’t handle the happiness that follows your divorce, for whatever reason.
I also want to touch on the subject of toxic friends. If someone you get together with is constantly negative, or she brings you down, or criticizes you, or makes you feel badly about yourself, or judges you, please stop spending time with her. Don’t send her a note like the one I got from that one woman, just distance yourself. Trust me, you will be so much better off.
People say “you become the 5 people you hang around most.” Think about that! Do you want to become the bitter, divorced-for-10-years-and-still-talking-about-it woman? Or, the woman who says it’s impossible to trust men? Or, the woman who is always complaining about money? No!
Focus on the friends who when you get home from doing something with her makes you feel amazing, like you just had the best day. The friend who you respect, you lifts you up, who you know truly cares about you, who makes you feel great about yourself, and who you do all those things for her, as well.
No one needs a ton of friends. Acquaintances and people to get together with are different than a true friend. You don’t even need more than one or two true friends. It’s quality, not quantity.
Sisters and other family members can drive us crazy, but guess who will turn out for you no matter what? Sisters and other family members. That’s a different conversation, because family falls into a different category-you have to accept them and see them and care because they are family. But they will have your back, no matter what your differences are. You’ll see. And if they don’t, that’s out of your control.
When it comes to friendships, particularly female friendships, it’s complicated! But I hope you take away this: don’t take it personally when a friend isn’t your friend after divorce. It’s HER. It might hurt, but she will help you appreciate the friends who stayed with you, who always stay with you.
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