Statements I hear from those with divorce loneliness: I feel so alone. Nobody understands what I’m going through. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’m terrified of being by myself. It’s so quiet in this house. What if I’m alone forever?
Issues pertaining to isolation and divorce loneliness are among the biggest concerns faced by people who are newly separated or divorced. Almost 50% of all marriages in the United States end indivorce. So why do we feel so alone when we are experiencing something that is so common? As a certified divorce coach and support group facilitator, I explore this issue with my clients all the time.
Here are six common reasons why we have divorce loneliness, followed by some helpful remedies:
1. Dealing with Loss
Regardless of whether you or your spouse initiated the divorce, there is a tremendous sense of loss associated with the end of a marriage. A necessary grieving period ensues. You are mourning the loss of your partner, your family unit, your role as either husband or wife, a part of your own identity, your dreams and visions for the future, and so much more. There is an emptiness that swells around all this loss. Life as you know it, no longer exists. It is normal to feel alone when everything about your life suddenly seems unfamiliar.
Remedies:
Allow yourself time to grieve. Familiarize yourself with the grieving process and recognize the importance of allowing yourself time to heal and adjust to your new life circumstances. It’s also important to recognize that you are probably not the only one grieving. Your children, other family members, and even close friends may also be experiencing a sense of loss. Share your grief. Allow yourself to talk about and express your emotions. Let it out. Go ahead and cry on someone’s shoulder. Permitting ourselves to be vulnerable in front of others deepens connections. And remember, these difficult feelings are a normal and natural part of the healing process.
Create some new routines, traditions and rituals. While it is important to mourn what was, it also helps to create what will be. Invite others to help you create some new traditions. Creating and sharing rituals is a great way to enhance your bonds with others. Schedule daily morning walks with your neighbor. Have lunch once a week with your mom or best friend. Turn Friday nights into movie and popcorn night with your kids. Connect with your relatives to discuss and plan a new holiday tradition/vacation/outing. These types of activities give you something to look forward to and are a wonderful way to keep you involved with life!
2. Feeling Depleted
It’s also normal to feel exhausted as you try to rebuild your life and enter this next uncertain phase. You may be overwhelmed by new responsibilities and all the important decisions you have to make concerning your future. The divorce process itself is often an arduous drawn-out process that requires a tremendous amount of time, energy, effort, and cooperation. Getting a divorce can feel like a full-time job and take up all your head space. This divorce “burn out” can lead to further isolation as it may deplete your energy and/or desire to engage with others.
Remedies:
Focus on self-care. When you are worn out, it can really help to step up your self-care. Eat nourishing, energizing, healthy foods. Try to get a sufficient amount of sleep every night. Stick to the same bedtime and wake-up time every day. Move your body. Often! Get outside. Practice relaxation techniques. Slow down. Journal. Meditate. Pray. Once your energy is restored, you will feel better physically and emotionally which will enhance the likelihood for you to engage with others.
Ask for help. Asking for help when we need it is one of the nicest things we can do for ourselves. In what areas of your life do you need help, and who can you rely on to lessen your load? In addition to friendships, what professionals do you need to help aid you through the divorce process? Maybe a therapist to help you with your emotional healing, or a coach to help you plan your future. Perhaps a financial advisor or accountant to help you make wise decisions regarding assets and debts, budgeting and saving. What about a personal trainer/masseuse/nutritionist to help you feel better physically? The list goes on. Are there friends and neighbors who can help with child care, carpooling, house maintenance, errands etc.? Take advantage of your support system. When we give and receive help from others it strenghtens our friendships and connections. It really does take a Village!
3. Processing Difficult Emotions
As you come to terms with being divorced, you’ll ride an emotional roller coaster that may make you feel like you are losing your mind. One minute, you may be happy and relieved your marriage is over, the next minute you may be incredibly sad and angry. It is often difficult to process these ever-changing, sometimes contradicting emotions.
Other intense emotions, such as shame, guilt, fear, and embarrassment can further paralyze individuals as they begin the difficult transition from married life to single life. When we view our divorce as a failure, or blame ourselves for the divorce, or live in the world of could haves, would haves, should haves, we tend to retreat away from others. If you don’t feel safe expressing these messy, uncomfortable feelings in front of others, you may choose to ride them out alone. These are the days when you feel like you just want to hide under the covers.
Remedies:
Seek the help of a mental health professional. Divorce is recognized as the second most stressful life event. It can be a traumatic experience that may even cause previous traumatic events to resurface. Earlier wounds may be reopened that can be very difficult, painful, and complicated to address alone. An experienced therapist can help you through the healing process and provide effective coping strategies.
Shift your mindset. Try not to think about your divorce as a failure that you are ashamed about. The end of a dysfunctional or unhappy marriage is a chance for a new beginning. It’s realizing you are now free from an unhealthy situation. Starting over is a brave act, not a shameful one. When you can release some of your negative thoughts surrounding your situation, you can begin to see the many possibilities and opportunities for the future. Engaging with others opens up new doors.
Get out of the house. While it is important to honor your feelings on those days when you just want to hibernate alone, it is important to not stay stuck there. Schedule time for yourself to get out and about. At the very least, take a walk, go to the store, stop somewhere for a cup of coffee, sit in the park, people watch. Recognize the world out there beyond your pain. If you tend to isolate, these are some simple first steps.
4. Believing There’s No One You can Turn to
When you are in a bad place in your own life, you may not want to worry or over burden your friends and family with your personal hardships. Or, maybe you are starting to get the sense that they are tired of hearing about your story over and over again. Unfortunately, you may also discover that those closest to you, even if they have the best intentions, don’t really “get” what you are going through and that leaves you feeling even more alone and isolated.
Or, perhaps you can’t turn to your loved ones because you feel the need to appear strong and in control of your life, or because they depend on you. Maybe you fear being judged, criticized, pitied, gossiped about, or told what to do. Perhaps, you are just not sure who you can really trust. All of this may lead you to believe that it is just best to keep your personal life private and bottled in.
Remedy:
Join a support group. I believe joining a support group is an essential an instrumental part of any deep healing journey. It is incredibly helpful to connect with others who are going through a similar situation. A chance to share with others who “get it” is incredibly validating and helpful. We heal through the concept of connecting and belonging, while also gaining tips, tools, strategies, and resources from others.
In addition to what may be offered in your own community, there is instant help at your fingertips through an app called Circles. I have been fortunate to work for this platform for the past several years and can attest to the benefits our members receive on a daily basis. Over 500 support groups are offered every week, each guided by mental health professionals and certified coaches who are dedicated to providing safe, nonjudgemental audio rooms where members can gather to listen, share, learn, reflect, grow, and heal. These live audio rooms are offered at all hours during the day and night, so it’s like having a support team on call whenever you need it.
Once on the app, all you have to do is tap on your phone screen to anonymously enter a circle. Your privacy is protected which may also make you feel more comfortable participating and sharing, or if you just want to listen, that’s ok too. With so many facilitators and topics to choose from, it’s easy to find a circle that’s right for you. Furthermore, you have unlimited access to the number of Circles you choose to attend.
To date, I have facilitated over 700 sessions and I continue to be amazed by the love, support, and progress I see in these rooms. It’s a community. It’s dedicated professional facilitators with a mission to provide knowledge and support. It’s people helping people. It’s members being open, honest, vulnerable, caring, supportive, encouraging, and inspiring. When we connect with others and hear their stories, and share ours, we learn about the human experience.
We learn that we are not alone. We learn that the impossible starts to feel possible. We call that hope. (You can find out more about Circles by downloading the app or visiting Circlesup.com)
5. Adjusting to New Living Arrangements
Whether you have remained in the marital home or moved to a new location, it may be the first time in a long time that you are living alone without your spouse. If you have children and are sharing parenting time with your ex, it may also be the first time you are away from your kids overnight. A full house is now an empty house. It’s quiet. It’s still. You feel an incredible absence. There is less for you to do and less for you to take care of. While you may like your new found freedom and having more ample time, it is still a major adjustment. It becomes easy to wallow in the unfamiliar emptiness.
Remedies:
Embrace the solitude. Don’t resist it. Don’t equate loneliness with being alone. What if being alone translated to freedom, peace, solitude, calm, relaxation, relief, rest, tranquility, leisure, harmony, serenity? Sit in that space. Don’t fight the initial discomfort, it will eventually dissipate. Give it time.
Fill your space with love. In addition to finding ways to embrace your alone time, fill your house with love. Make your house your safe haven. Add special touches to your décor to create a space that is inviting and cozy. Then open your doors to others. Host a holiday get-together, invite friends over for no reason, plan a divorce party, play the music as loud as you want, dance in the kitchen! Create new memories.
6. Feeling Anxious About how to Show up Single
During separation or post-divorce, you may feel anxious about showing up single. After being part of a couple for so long, it can take time before you are fully comfortable in a social setting or attending social events alone. It may feel like all eyes are on you. If you have never ate dinner alone at a restaurant or gone to a wedding without a date, these outings can seem daunting. You might feel awkward arriving somewhere solo, or as a third wheel. As a newly single person, you may be more likely to decline social invitations. Caution, the more opportunities and events you pass on, the more isolated you may become.
Remedies:
Just say yes. Whatever invitations come your way, try to say yes, even if your first inclination is to say no. Give yourself a little pep talk and then give yourself permission to have fun. Really, what do you have to lose? At the very least, you will gain a new experience. Over time, you will regain your social confidence and start to feel more comfortable as your empowered single-self. Furthermore, take note of how far you can soar now that you are not held back by any of the former constraints of your marriage?
Try new things. Find a hobby, join an activity, attend an event, explore an interest, choose a cause to support, volunteer in the community, take a class—these are great ways to meet like-minded people. In addition to expanding your social circle, you will find more happiness by living a life driven by passion and purpose. So sign up and get involved. If you don’t’ know where to start, check out some of the offerings and events being held at your local library or community college. In addition, see if your local news’ source provides a calendar of events in your community.
Become a regular somewhere. This is another easy way to make friends and establish your presence in the community. Here are a few examples: dine at the same restaurant every Wednesday evening at 6pm; hang out at your local coffee shop every Tuesday at noon; workout at the gym every morning at 7am. Overtime, you will likely see the same familiar faces, making it easy to strike up conversations and develop new friendships. It also feels really nice when a place you frequent becomes “your” special place. A place where you feel welcomed, wanted and known.
After years of marriage, adjusting to life as a single person can be really difficult. It’s a huge, emotional life transition with many obstacles. However, it can also be a wonderful time full of exploration, experimentation, and excitement. Go for it!
