So, you have weathered the mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical storms of your divorce, and if you have somehow reached the part when the sun comes out and the birds sing again—well, that´s great, hats off to you. But you may still be struggling with your new identity, financial reality, and all the practical matters related to leaving a marriage. If your divorce was acrimonious, you might still be licking your wounds. It could also be that the shock hasn’t worn off if it came as a surprise. Whether you instigated the divorce or not, you might still be deeply hurt as your dreams of “happily ever after” crumbled and are now morphing into something else.
Because it’s so rich with pathos, pain, and triumph, divorce is the subject of more than one book, play, or song. But while you were going through the various stages of yours, it was likely not feeling very artful or funny. And now that you are technically through it, signed, sealed, and delivered, it is probably still one of the most serious issues in your life. Who will you be now?
As you hear Gloria Gaynor’s chorus of, “I Will Survive” swell in the background, you know you are strong … or a part of you knows you are strong. You are on the other side of the document. And yet you may or may not yet feel healed.
What is healed? You’ll want to read our “46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and a Guide.”
What is certain is that you are reclaiming yourself and your journey. And now that you’ve come this far, and you’ve experienced the loss of a spouse, friends, maybe family, in short, a way of being, there are things you know that many other people do not.
There are things you didn’t dare to say before, because maybe you didn’t feel you had the right or because you doubted yourself.
Well, things are different now. You are reclaiming your voice.
We asked several divorced women, spanning the ages of 37 to 72 years of age, what they want to say now that they’ve survived and continue to grow and recover post-divorce. What follows are their frank and heartfelt words. As you read their comments, we invite you to consider your own and in the comments section below add your hard-won perspective as well.
Powerful Lady, what are your “must-says” you’d like to share with the world?
To the Partner in the Rearview Mirror
- You not only doubted me, you told me I couldn’t do anything. But I could. I can. I DID! I am so happy I stopped listening to you and finally, listened to myself.
- Fundamentally, you are not a bad person. But our life was bad. I am learning to take responsibility for the part I played. Whether you do or not … on your own … with your shrink … with your new GF, is on you. I am not your mommy anymore.
- You just walked out and you never really told me why. Your cowardice cut me to the core, but I am starting to process that I am so much better off.
- You wanted a companion in your marriage misery, but sayonara, that isn’t me anymore!
Read “How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce (and 4 Signs You are On Your Way!”
- God help her! You think you’ve escaped this marriage story of our lives. But I can tell with how you’ve snuggled up with somebody else (how long has that been happening???) you’ve learned nothing about yourself or where we went wrong. Mark my words, it does not bode well.
- I realize just how BAD our sex life was. How superficial it was! Because I’ve experienced more satisfaction and sexual freedom since I left you than I ever knew possible. I am sorry, you were a dud. But thank you 😉
- Now that I am gone, I hope you are getting a taste of what I did for you day in and day out. There must be a big vacancy in your life right now – not to mention a sink full of disgusting, sitting-in-grime dishes. Have you learned how to operate the washer machine yet?
- I gave you so much of my life, I realize how my girlfriends are so much better. They understand me, they nurture me. They don’t belittle me or tell me I am dumb.
- Thank you for helping me bring our incredible children into this world. We did that together.
- You didn’t listen to me. You didn’t respect me. I can see that so clearly now. It was a dead end living with you. I am here now and it feels like a thousand doors have swung open!
To Family, Friends, and Friends No-More
(Starting with the more complicated ones first)
- I understand why you told me what you did. But I couldn’t listen. I knew you were a function of your age, your upbringing, your generation, and your marriage decisions. So am I, but my story is different. It’s my life. I did not and do not accept the transfer of your fears onto me.
- To those friends who are no more, thank you for showing me who you are. It’s okay, there is only so much space in my life. I am done with compromising.
- I think perhaps the meaningful phrase “reason, season, lifetime” might apply to marriage partners — as well as friends. My marriage might have had its reasons and lasted some seasons. But not a lifetime. And, well, the fact we talk no more, may mean our time is up, too.
- For the tried and true, I thank you for letting me cry, for letting me fall apart and crawl into your lap. You may never know how safe that space felt and how I will remember this for the rest of my life.
- Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for reminding me I am more than a marriage or broken partnership story.
- Thank you for reminding me I was happy before I met him and that I will be happy again.
To My Children
- I am so sorry for what you had to live through. You had no choice in the matter, and by so many measures you did not deserve any of this.
- You must know this, too: you were conceived with the greatest hope and love. No matter what happens later, know that you were born from love.
- You may never know exactly what went down, because I don’t think it’s appropriate to burden you with private details, but I promise you your dad loves you, and I love you — no matter what happened between us adults. And on that front, we are deeply united.
- I hope you never have to face the decisions I made. But if you do, I hope you will remember this, you must love yourself first to show up whole for somebody else.
I Say to Me, Myself …
- I had no idea how much I was broken inside. It still hurts, but bit by bit, I am seeing the value of putting myself back together. And strangely, this is an opportunity to be mindful of who I want to be now. Who gets to do that?
- I thank myself for being there when I needed it! For thinking on my feet, for honestly consulting my heart and soul. No one else crawled inside my skin and did this. I had to do it. YAY ME!
- This wasn’t easy, and I don’t wish divorce on anyone. But I am grateful I’ve got my life back. Give me a big box of crayons! I am going to draw and color everything, and for sure, go way outside the lines that used to hold me back!
- I thank me for not settling for a twilight of half-arsed mediocrity at best, and downright misery at worst.
Check out “The Decisive Value of Decentering Men from Your Life.”
- I thank me for asserting my life meant more — more roses that I am prepared to buy myself. More love and it begins with self-love! And more laughter! Sign me up for the Comedy Club. I’ve got a salty bit I’m dying to try out!
- I had no idea how much time I spent merely surviving in a bad marriage. That was a whole lotta work! And, now, as a result, there is so much space opened up. Try it. Hah!
- My lifelong commitment is to myself. I am my own best friend. I came into this world alone and will leave it alone. I had to do what was right for me. My divorce was an act of self-love.
- I can handle endings like a pro, and begin fresh with the wonder of a child.
Feel inspired and act. Read “100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman.”
And finally…
What about you? If you too were to speak your mind, what would you say? What must you say because your pure, unadulterated authenticity depends on it?
You are safe here. You are with women who understand because they’ve been where you are. They know you have to go through the fire to come out the other side. But what’s waiting beyond is a big beautiful world, a world of truth, where your heart, mind, body, and soul will feel re-unified. Or as one of our Paloma’s Group members recently said, a place where “you’ll emerge stronger for where the broken part is.”
Never give up. Stay true to you. And comment below.
NOTES
Sarah Newton-John is a copy editor and proofreader by trade and someone who also enjoys writing. She is an Australian living in Spain since 2018 with her partner, two dogs, three chooks, and a cat. You can connect with Sarah here: sarahnewtonjohn@hotmail.com.
SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives after divorce—on their own terms.
If you are a discerning, newly divorced, and independent woman, you are invited to consider Paloma’s Group, our powerful, virtual group coaching class for women rebuilding their lives.
Visit here to schedule your quick chat to learn if Paloma is right for you.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”