Lola hasn’t had it easy the past six months. Her husband, Ivan, is currently recovering from his fourth spinal op, and it looks like there’s going to be a long journey ahead before he’s well again. What started as a simple procedure to fix the pain he was experiencing has turned into a nightmare, with differing medical opinions followed by three more operations. The last one was to reverse the effects of the first operation, and now Ivan can barely walk.
Is Their Marriage Over?
Ivan is having ongoing physiotherapy so that he can walk again. These long hospital stays have strained Ivan’s health and their marriage.
However hard she tries, Lola finds it hard to come to terms with being the wife of an invalid. She is mourning her previous married lifestyle and knows she and Ivan may never enjoy the same lifestyle again.
Lola enjoys a very active social life and frequent trips abroad, especially since Ivan retired, and they have planned several exciting adventures for the coming months. Sadly, having time on his hands also led Ivan to get regular medical check-ups, which is when his problems began. For the past half-year, Lola has had to give up everything, including a full-time job, and concentrate on helping Ivan recover. She fears the future, and it’s easier to understand her concern knowing that Ivan, who is 15 years older, has reacted badly to every anesthetic.
She has finally resorted to counseling, and hopefully, with counselors also working with Ivan in the hospital, they are doing their best to sort out their problems.
Is My Marriage Over? Don’t Compare Yours to Someone Else’s
When the going got tough, Lola considered how easy I found living alone. She forgets that I divorced a quarter of a century ago and am used to the status quo. She didn’t know that I had chosen to leave as I’d worked out that living apart would make me happier long-term than living on eggshells for the rest of my life. That having my own life was important, instead of having half a life, because my thoughts, needs, and feelings came second to a narcissist. Or that I didn’t want my child to live through the pain of experiencing abuse and addiction.
Lola and Ivan have had a wonderful marriage. He is much older than her, adores her, and enables her to live a luxurious lifestyle. I hope that counseling will help them both and that they will be able to put this nightmare behind them, that they both realize that they married each other for better and for worse, and although this has been the worst experience imaginable, that they can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Is My Marriage Over? Or is This the Gray Zone?
So, how do you know if your marriage is over? Liza Caldwell, cofounder of SAS for Women shares that no one can dictate to you when the marriage ends.
“But one thing to remember is that you’ll know when your marriage is over … when the fear of the unknown is less frightening than living your status quo … for the rest of your life.”
And that’s the difference, I think, between Lola and me. She went through a traumatic experience – as did Ivan. But they are working together through the Gray Zone and I’m hoping they will find the power to rehabilitate their relationship.
Liza is right. There is a time when the unknown is less scary than staying in your marriage. I had that experience, and I am sure many women have felt the same. But there’s a difference between the last straw and the last resort. The last straw is when there is no going back. When something happens that tells you it’s time to reconsider. The last resort is when you see no other way around your problems or you are tired of trying. But before you jump into a divorce scenario, consider whether there is anything either of you can do to save this marriage.
Because, if you committed to each other, and loved each other once, isn’t there any way you can save what you had?
Read “What is Walkaway Wife Syndrome?”
Is My Marriage Over? An Expert’s View
A clinical psychologist who stood by my side through the good and bad told me: “You know when you’ve had enough of a bad situation and are ready to call it quits. You’ll also know when it’s worth trying to make it work.”
She told me about a patient who was convinced her marriage was finally over. Sandra, 47, who lives in Texas, had tried to make her marriage work but eventually consulted a divorce lawyer about ending her marriage.
“Two years ago, Sandra had started divorce proceedings, but then she returned to her husband to give the marriage a second chance. A few years later, things weren’t working, and she consulted the same lawyer who told her he wasn’t ready to take on her case. He asked her if she was having an affair because, this time, she seemed firmly committed to divorce. No, Sandra told him. She realized her husband wasn’t willing to roll up his sleeves and work on the marriage like she had. She was done, it was time to call it quits.”
This convinced the lawyer she was serious, and a few months later, the marriage ended with his legal help. Sanda had to make sure she had tried to save her marriage before she could step away. And what she found was that she could not save it on her own.
Read “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking about Divorce.”
Is My Marriage Over? When There’s No Return
Sometimes you know right away that it’s over. I did. I think the time comes when you’ve tried everything to save your marriage and there’s nothing else you can do. This can slowly build up inside you, and then, suddenly you know. “This is it. I’ve had enough.” This time, it’s an instant decision, but usually, different situations have built up over time until there’s no going back.
I knew the time was right when my Ex smacked me hard in the face while I was holding my four-year-old. I knew that neither my daughter nor I could recover from this. If I allowed the situation to repeat itself even once, I would have done exactly what I’d been avoiding for so long, which is to allow our little one to experience the torment I was going through.
I’d sought counseling. I had a lawyer. I had come to terms with the fact that a happy one-parent family was better than a dysfunctional family where one parent was abused and unhappy. And so, in that instant, I accepted that my marriage was over and moved forward with the difficult decision to initiate a divorce.
Consider reading “27 Cautionary Signs You are in a Toxic Marriage.”
Has the Straw Broken the Camel’s Back? How to Check
Before you decide that your divorce is impossible to fix, seek help first. Find a professional trained in this life crisis, like a therapist or a coach, or join a facilitated, support group for women who are thinking about divorce.
Annie’s Group, a virtual education program, offers confidential support and assistance to women who need to know everything there is about divorce. Many participants don’t know if they are going to divorce or not but have decided they want to be educated on their legal rights and what they are entitled to. Then, once informed and coming from a place of knowledge, they will decide if they will stay or leave their marriage. Together in a community of “explorers,” women find it empowering to be with other women also facing a marriage crisis. And far from feeling alone anymore, they feel supported and normalized.
If you’re interested in joining Annie’s Group, you can schedule a quick chat to find out if this is the assistance you need.
5 Times a Support Group Worked
There is no better way to show you what Annie’s Group has done for women than by hearing their stories yourself. Here we offer some very different perspectives on how support has helped women decide their next step in their journey:
- Susan, from Washington D.C., felt she couldn’t approach her problems alone, so she joined Annie’s Group. “I feel a sense of power I’ve never experienced,” she says. “I’ve moved from being frozen and petrified to having a fire and warmth in my heart for myself and my life.”
- Someone who also values this support group is T.Y. from New York: “It’s helpful to know you are not alone, to experience the process with the wisdom and support of a group of intelligent women all on the same path,” she says. “There’s a comfort in strangers, that is simply impossible with friends and family who are not themselves divorcing.”
- When your partner wants to end the marriage and you have no say, Annie’s Group has also helped. According to W.J. from Portland, “Since I did not choose to be separated I have felt powerless. Annie’s Group gave me a sense of ‘doing something’. It helped me realize I have power in this situation and I can help myself.”
If you’re in a similar position, read “How to Get Over a Breakup When You Feel Abandoned.”
- When Mia from Long Island needed assistance to make the final decision, Annie’s Group was instrumental. “I’m embarrassed to say how long I’ve contemplated divorce,” she says. “Annie’s Group gave me the clarity, confidence, and support I needed to finally take action. For the first time in ages, I feel fearless and free!”
- L.C. from Massachusetts found group support saved her marriage:
“I am delighted and shocked to share that I am as happy in my marriage as I’ve ever been … and, I credit it all to joining Annie’s Group,” she says. “I followed up on things shared in Annie’s Group and found a great therapist. My husband is now engaged in the process with me… We are having better conversations and more fun than ever in our marriage. Go figure!”
Conclusion
Sometimes, your body gives you telltale signs: you start having migraine headaches, lose weight, or develop an ulcer. Sometimes, you reach a breaking point and you need to put yourself first, no matter the consequences. Or you may discover that with the right perspective, help, and resources, you and your partner can change your marriage for the better.
But the marriage will never get better if it’s only you doing the work.
Be kind to yourself. Think about the different outcomes and which would work best. And don’t just consider these outcomes from a place of fear or quick Google searches. Investigate these outcomes from a place of knowledge, that is, getting specific information about how these outcomes would affect you (legally, economically, and as a woman). And if you ask yourself, “Is my marriage over?” and you have to say “Yes”, know that this isn’t the end of the story. It could be the start of your most authentic path forward.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
Since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward.
SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. All of it is delivered discreetly to your inbox.
Join our tribe and stay connected.
*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.