Divorce is hard no matter the situation. It’s huge life change. Long held beliefs and expectations are shattered, and everything moving forward is going to be different from the life you know. If you have children, there is an additional level of angst, as you are still tied together and must learn to co-parent. These challenges get even more difficult and complicated when you are divorcing a narcissist.
The first thing I want to say is, if you are divorcing a narcissist, please stop blaming yourself.
Stop telling yourself “I should have known better.” Forgive yourself. Your narcissistic spouse was, and is charming and engaging. Smart and funny. He wooed you and put you up on a pedestal in the beginning. It wasn’t until you were head over heels in love that things started to change.
They may have changed slowly or in the blink of an eye, but somehow you were knocked off that pedestal. All of a sudden, you weren’t good enough. You became insecure. You were told a different story about who you were, and your failures were magnified. You were never good enough. You felt like you didn’t know yourself anymore, at least not with your spouse. Somehow, the one who was supposed to love and protect you forever, changed into someone who seemed to do the opposite.
Secondly, in divorcing a narcissist, you deserve a hearty congratulations! You’ve taken a huge step. You’ve found your voice and recognized that the life you’ve been living is no longer acceptable. You are enough – in fact, you are more than enough! You’ve stepped outside the cycle of narcissistic abuse and said no, I won’t take it anymore. I will no longer be the subject of my partner’s emotional abuse.
But it’s not easy. Spouses and partners with narcissistic tendencies do not like being called out and do not like losing their power. Your partner will do everything they can to suck you back in, to “hoover” you back with promises of better behavior, promises to never do it again, to not drink, or cheat, or track you, or demean you in front of friends, family, your kids, whatever it takes to bring you back within their control. They will also try to take control of the divorce process when they see that they cannot woo you back. They will want to make you suffer.
Here are 5 tips that can help you in divorcing a narcissist:
1. Set your boundaries.
Just say no. Commit to yourself and say, “I will not let you back into my head. You have lost the right to take over my thoughts.” This is easier said than done. So get the right support. A divorce coach can be your guide on the side who can support you while you build your inner resources to stand for yourself during these difficult early days.
A coach can help you develop new practices and strategies that will support you today and into your future. Remind yourself, 80 percent of what someone says is about them not you. Keeping this in mind, know that the narcissist uses power over you to cover their own insecurities, So maybe the phrase, “it’s not about me, it’s about them,” can help.
2. Identify your “Why”
This is your purpose, your values, your passion. Your “why” defines who you want to be during the process. Simon Sinek speaks about the power of the “Why”. When we connect with our purpose so it becomes our passion, we are unstoppable. You may have forgotten who you were during your marriage. We all have a tendency to get lost in the day to day. You may feel like you have lost your voice. Now is your opportunity to rediscover it!
You can reconnect to your power and your inner strength. Working with your coach, you can ask yourself big questions like “Why do I need to chart a new future? Why am I striving for a better life?” Articulating your “Why” gives you the inspiration and motivation to keep going even when it is hard. Maybe your “why” is as basic, and as simple as “freedom.” Think about that, and then go another step deeper. Freedom to do what? Get curious with yourself and dig deep.
3. Educate yourself.
Learn everything you need to know about your family’s financial situation and the legal process. What do you have access to, financially speaking? What don’t you have access to? And if you don’t have access to certain things, ask yourself why.
A divorce coach can help you identify whether you need the support of other divorce professionals like a Certified Divorce Financial Advisors or Forensic accountants, valuation experts or appraisers, or all of the above. A divorce coach can also connect you with the right legal support for you and your particular situation. Not every lawyer is right for every case. Divorce coaches build relationships with different lawyers in all different areas of divorce practice. This way they can be the best resource for their clients throughout the process.
4. Remember BIFF
Bill Eddy, one of the leading conflict resolution gurus, developed this acronym, it stands for Brief Informative Friendly and Firm. I use the word, Factual in place of Friendly, because we don’t always want to be friendly with our soon to be ex spouse.
Narcissistic individuals, or individuals with narcissistic tendencies, like to draw their spouses into the conflict patterns they developed during the marriage that leave the spouse feeling beaten and battered. BIFF allows you to hold your line and keep all communication Brief and Informative Factual and Firm. You maintain your boundaries and refuse to allow the relationship of the past to fester into the future.
5. Design your vision for the future.
When you begin to envision your post divorce future with hope and positivity, you stop being dragged back into the past. Working with a divorce coach allows you to dream about what is possible. Your lawyer will let you know what your rights are and what you can expect. Your coach will let you imagine what you can achieve with the gifts that you have, keeping that vision front and center. Making it more concrete and specific will make it more real for you so that “the day after” looks less frightening and more empowering. This goes a long way toward getting out from under a difficult past, and helping you achieve the best result possible for you today and into your future.
There is no doubt that divorce, especially divorcing a narcissist, is one of the most disruptive experiences many people experience in their lifetime. Additionally, leaving a relationship with a narcissistic and abusive spouse can be terrifying. But when you approach the situation keeping the 5 tips above in mind, and with support, strategic guidance, and a hopeful vision, the road ahead will feel easier and so much more doable.
Lisa Lisser, Certified Divorce Coach practiced litigation law before choosing to stay home with her young children. While at home with her kids, she became deeply involved in non-profit work. She supported her community as a public speaker and advocate. She designed community wide programs and was an active participant on multiple non-profit boards. A lifelong learner, she went back to school, earned her masters in Jewish education and became a certified spiritual counselor.
Now, a CDC certified divorce coach, Lisa is blending her talents and life experiences to do the work she was meant to do. She understands the complicated process of divorce through both legal eyes and personal experience. With empathy and compassion, she will help reduce your overwhelm, provide you with a sounding board, and give you the confidence you need to move through your divorce and launch into the next stage of your life. Learn more here.
