I knew that divorce was going to be painful. I wasn’t naive enough to think I was going to get out of it without intense emotional trauma.
I knew that my life would change financially, that I was going out into the world alone and that I’d lose some of my friends. And worst of all, I knew that my kids were going to have to go through pain, too.
But nothing in the world prepared me for how I reacted when they asked me why we couldn’t stay together.
These questions were unbearable because they tapped into my subconscious judgment about why we couldn’t do it, too.
Out of the mouths of babes
The most gut-wrenching one I can remember was when my daughter, who was four years old at the time, asked why we couldn’t live together anymore.
I felt the familiar grief start to overtake me as I blindly searched for the right words.
“Sometimes two people still love each other, but they can’t live together anymore because it makes them sad”.
She looked at me puzzled and said, “But if you don’t live together, then the kids will be sad”.
It was like a knife going through my heart; I felt physical pain. The hardest part was that I couldn’t just fall to my knees and sob right in front of her. I had to kindly and gently complete the conversation and get on with the twenty jobs I had to do before bedtime. (No breaks in single parenting!).
Then, thankfully, as I sank into bed on my own, I could let the tears flow. That’s how it was in the beginning. Pushing through each hour before I could collapse at the end of the day and fall apart before the alarm went off and I’d have to get up to face another day of holding it together.
The hits kept coming
Not long after that, my son blindsided me. We’d just dropped his friend back home after a visit, and we’d gone inside to say hi and chat a bit with her parents. When we got home, he said, “I wish my parents were together like Abby’s parents. Why couldn’t you and dad stay together?”
I sat there frozen, not even sure what to say. What was there to say? I agreed with him. I wished that he had two parents who were together as well.
Again, I searched for some words, any words that he could try to understand at the age of seven.
“I know you’re sad. I’m really sad too, and I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. You have two parents who love you very much, just like Abby”. Again, I went to bed feeling ripped apart and raw. I was worried sick about what the divorce was doing to us all.
How it’s changed
My son is nearly eighteen now, and my daughter is nearly fifteen. These days, they say it would be weird if their dad and I were still together. They’re used to our new family structure, and they are both happy, thriving, and well-adjusted teens.
Eventually, I started seeing that my kids were okay. With our love, support, and commitment to amicable co-parenting, they made it through our divorce, and although we don’t live under one roof, their family is still intact.
How to manage when they ask these questions
The key to handling these types of comments from your kids is not to panic. Accept that these comments will trigger guilt and pain inside you, but don’t shy away from the conversation.
Although it’s a sad time in their lives, when you acknowledge what they’re going through and admit that, yes, it is sad, you validate their feelings. It would be worse if you tried to brush over it and say, ‘Oh, it’s okay. It’s not that bad having two homes. Everything is pretty much the same’ and then quickly move on.
Or worse. Blame their other parent because you haven’t dealt with your own anger. “Well, if your mother wasn’t such a bitch we’d still be married”. Yes, I know someone whose father said this to him when his parents divorced.
Of course, we don’t want to see our kids go through these moments of expressing their sadness and anger that life isn’t working out how they expected it to. There probably isn’t a harder part of divorce, in all honesty. We want so badly to protect them from going through it, but we simply can’t.
Show your kids that you’re in it together
Kids need to see that you share in their sadness. It should be like a team effort to get through it together. As always, I won’t sugarcoat this fact. It’s f**king painful, f**king hard, and it takes at least two years before it really does feel like you are living your new post-divorce family life with a semblance of normality.
It doesn’t stop there. But those first two years are the hardest for everyone, and it’s usually during these years that you’ll get those types of questions and comments from your children because this is when they are still trying to process reality.
If you’re finding these questions and comments difficult to cope with, make sure you have someone you can contact to help you through the triggers when they come.
Trying to shoulder the burden of your children’s pain while you are in the process of getting yourself through emotional turmoil is not something that should be taken lightly. You need to look after yourself.
Talk to a good friend who has experienced divorce, journal it out, join a divorce support group or work with a divorce coach if you can.
Read books or listen to podcasts that specifically address helping children through divorce. You can never be over-informed about this.
If you have young children, there are a heap of good picture books that can help them make sense of what’s happening and give you some strategies for talking about it with them.
Here’s a link to the 7 Best Children’s Books About Divorce to get you started if you’re interested. Some of them are for older kids, too.
You’ll make it
You can get yourself and your kids through the first few years of divorce with the right game plan and a set of tools and strategies to handle the gut-wrenching questions when they come. Preparation is everything.
In the beginning it feels like coming out the other side is an impossible dream. But there are many, many people who have been able to get their families through divorce and thrive. I’m one of them, and there’s no reason that you can’t be one of them too.
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About Carol Madden
Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.
I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.
I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.
As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.