It’s usually at the witching hour – around 3 a.m. – when you’re lying in bed, with your partner sleeping next to you, or alone in the guest room. At this silent hour, your thoughts and feelings are exaggerated, and you probably feel like your world is collapsing. No, you’re not exaggerating. You’re just contemplating the state of your sexless marriage, and those are not pleasant thoughts.
There was a time, you’re thinking as you lie there, staring at the ceiling, when the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. That’s the wonderful “honeymoon phase” when you’re both in endless lust. And it is like a dream, this wonderful stage of your relationship, where you can’t get enough of touching each other.
Suddenly– Or Bit by Bit, You’re In A Sexless Marriage
The endless sex lasts for as long as it lasts, depending on the two of you, and the circumstances of your relationship. It’s a little like a never-ending holiday romance; but in some cases, it does stop. If you do something enough times, it becomes a habit, even if it’s an enjoyable habit. But in some cases, the sex stops being the experience it used to be. And while it’s hard to swallow, the truth is that in those cases, sex slowly becomes like a habit that scratches an itch.
And then, for some couples, suddenly there’s no itch anymore. You’re not yearning for that together time that has glued the two of you together and made everything OK. Now sex isn’t what it used to be. Now it’s a humdrum part of your existence – a chore.
When does that happen? Why does it happen? And how do you get that itch back? Let’s find out.
What Defines a Sexless Marriage?
As its name implies, a sexless marriage is when the two of you cohabit and don’t have sex or touch each other much. No holding hands, locked eyes, love pats as you pass each other in the hall. Nothing at all. The lack of affection usually happens slowly, until it’s evident to both of you. Eventually, there’s no physical intimacy of any kind. Women often react to this emotionally and feel isolated and unloved. Men may notice this sooner, because, according to an article by sex therapist Laurie J Watson, PhD in Psychology Today, “For men, sex is a hunger, a craving.”
What Happens in A Sexless Marriage?
You’re not as close as you used to be; something is missing in your relationship. And how do couples fill that gaping hole? Some find sex elsewhere, while others internalize the feeling and become angry and defensive. Others, particularly women, welcome the lack of intercourse. Still, others suffer denial and carry on until they’re faced with divorce or separation.
If you think you are alone in dealing with this issue, know you are not. In 2023, Psychology Today revealed statistics stating that 7% of US couples hadn’t had sexual relations in the past year, and 4% hadn’t had sex in five years. Additionally, 14 to 15% of couples engage in sexual activity infrequently.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
Of course, there’s plenty of information on this. For instance, women don’t feel like having sex after childbirth, when they reach menopause, or when they’re stressed and depressed. Men, on the other hand, feel a loss of libido for similar reasons, like stress, anxiety, and depression. But there are other reasons, too, like erectile dysfunction. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Having erection trouble from time to time isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence, and contribute to relationship problems.”
Sometimes both men and women have a lack of libido for the same reasons. Causes include hypertension, diabetes, certain prescription meds and cancer treatments, sleep disorders, and alcohol and drug abuse. Men with libido problems could have Parkinson’s disease (the risk of this disease is higher in men than women), be undergoing treatment for prostate cancer or an enlarged prostate, or have low testosterone.
There is some good news if you elect to part ways, for whatever reason:
Read “Finding Your Sexy Again After Divorce”.
Different Views On A Sexless Marriage
Anna, 52, describes why she’s happy in a sexless marriage: “According to my gynecologist, I’m in perimenopause. My libido isn’t what it used to be, and I’m content to have a sexless marriage right now That doesn’t mean I’ll always be happy with this. But right now, I don’t feel the need for sex or closeness with my husband of 20 years. Ian doesn’t feel the same way. At 57, he’s full of vigor and feels unloved and unsatisfied. We’re seeking counselling to deal with this situation and work around it. Hopefully, we can work things out, so we don’t have to end what has been a great marriage.”
“The fact that we’re willing to go to a professional is, I think, half the battle won.”
One of our SAS clients, whom we’ll call “Charlene”, 61, doesn’t feel the same way as Anna. “I’m broken-hearted,” she admits. “Physical closeness was a large part of our marriage, and I feel bereft. I understand that Pete is having issues with erectile dysfunction, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel let down and unfulfilled. Being open about it has helped us, as has being able to talk about it, but I think we’re both going to have to consider having further help to get through this.”
Michael, 54, is devastated that his marriage is now sexless. “I’m aware that our marriage is suffering because we’re having relationship problems, and sex was the first part of our relationship to reveal that. I feel frustrated, rejected, and sad. This has certainly affected my self-esteem. Generally, the lack of sex in our marriage is causing a lot of problems.”
Here’s another woman’s story on a sexless marriage: “Where Does Disinclination Really Begin?”
What To Do if Your Marriage is ‘Sexually Compromised’
Sometimes counselling can help couples get through this phase in their marriage. Talking it out with a professional trained in this area can help couples face the problem head-on. If not, the two of you should come to terms with the fact that your marriage isn’t working in more ways than just sex. And the couple has to decide whether they’re prepared to do the hard work to make their marriage function again.
Or, if one partner is satisfied with the sexless situation, and the other is not, the couple could discuss opening their marriage up. Shocking? For some couples who love and respect each other, they may be in a place to consider this: ethical nonmonogamy. For some people, it is possible to have a healthy relationship that is not monogamous.
When Divorce is the Only Option
Yet there are times when a sexless marriage can’t be fixed. How do you know when the time is right? Here are 3 of myriad reasons to consider divorce:
- When sex isn’t the only issue
Sometimes there are other relationship issues as well as no sex. If your marriage has reached the point of no return because of numerous serious problems of which ‘no sex’ is just one, then it may be time to call it quits. While lack of libido can be due to stress and anxiety, touching your partner and being affectionate is human nature. And when those emotional aspects of your relationship are gone, and you’re not giving each other emotional support or affection, it’s time to rethink your marriage. - When one of you isn’t prepared to work on the problem
It takes time to go from a lustful marriage to one without sex. And if you or your partner don’t wish to tackle this issue, that’s a warning sign. Turning things around isn’t easy, but if you’re both prepared to work on your marriage, it will be worth the hard work. You both must be prepared to deal with your feelings and communicate them to each other.
Consider reading “27 Cautionary Signs You May be in a Toxic Marriage”.
- When one of you has been unfaithful
Whether lack of sex is the reason for the infidelity, or your partner has fallen in love with someone else, this is a tough nut to crack. This could be when you both (or one of you) decide that divorce is the only answer. A sexless marriage is one story, but when one of you has an affair, this is something else. Unless both of you are prepared to go for marriage counseling to save your marriage, this is a losing battle, particularly if one of you is in love with someone else.
And of course, it’s not just men having affairs. Read about “The Cheating Wife Phenomenon”.
Conclusion
Just because you’re in the throes of a sexless marriage, doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce. It depends on the circumstances, and whether both of you are committed to saving your marriage. Sure, lack of sex shows there’s a problem, and it could be for several reasons. But if you and your partner are prepared to try and turn the situation around, you could be headed for a deeper, more meaningful connection, and not divorce court. It requires facing each other and communicating. It’s up to both of you.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women. Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose to not go it alone.
*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.