“My Ex Won’t Talk to Me”

 “My Ex Won’t talk to me.” It’s something we hear often from people in divorce and after. Communication breakdowns in divorce are most often the result of two things: anger and resentment.  Anger and resentment can cause someone to shut down—meaning just avoiding any communication with the ex, and even acting childish.

Not communicating with an ex doesn’t usually present issues if there are no children involved, but it becomes a big problem when parents are unable or unwilling to communicate with each other. In these situations, everyone—mainly the children, suffer.  First and foremost, children feel the disconnect emotionally. Even kids who have happily married parents have a hard time when there is conflict between Mom and Dad. It’s uncomfortable and stressful, and it causes them to feel insecure.

When one or both parents refuse to talk to the other, it can also affect a child in practical ways. Communication breakdowns can affect: kids’ school attendance, after school activities, medication regimens, nutrition, homework assignments, playdates, and more. No communication means missed messages that ultimately hurt the kids.

What to do and what not to do for: “My Ex Won’t Talk to Me”

Let’s start with a couple things you shouldn’t do if you find that your ex won’t speak to you, and co-parenting seems almost impossible. First, don’t use your child as a messenger to communicate with your ex.

“Mom told me to tell you that you owe her money for child support,” is not appropriate. Neither is: “Dad said he will pick me up from school on Friday.” The kids should not be involved. It is simply too stressful for them, and it will affect them emotionally.

Next, kids are not the right people to vent to about your frustration. So, try to avoid saying, “I don’t know who is picking you up on Friday after school. Your dad won’t talk to me.” That will result in more stress and sadness for your child.

So, how do you communicate with your ex when your ex won’t talk to you?

Through non-verbal methods that can include: email, text messaging, and messaging on OurFamilyWizard. Non-verbal methods of conversing when dealing with regular communication breakdowns post divorce can be a smart way to find some sort of neutral, middle ground in dealing with your co-parent.  Emailing or texting works to a point, in that you are able to express yourself in writing, yet it can become a liability when one parent claims your message was lost in cyberspace, deleted or was not sent to the right address.

Using a communication tool specifically designed for situations such as this, like OurFamilyWizard Messages, is a way for both parents to ensure their communication is secure and documented in full.  Parents have separate accounts which are linked together within a family in the app, so all of their communication is isolated to their family forum.  Messages on OurFamilyWizard are sent between accounts, so parents know their messages are going to the correct recipient.  This also separates emotionally charged conversations with your co-parent from your other, non-family related emails.

Even when you try and engage with your co-parent in the most polite manner you can manage, sometimes emotions may slip through your words, and you’ll say something you maybe wish you did not.  Similar to how spell checking works, OurFamilyWizard offers ToneMeter as an “emotional spell checking” device to analyze messages you compose and indicate phrases that could be received in a negative or misconstrued way by the recipient.  ToneMeter is an easy-to-use tool that will give your message a quick once over so you can better prevent any miscommunications.

In closing, communicating with an ex isn’t easy, especially in a high-conflict divorce and when one parent won’t engage in any communication. It can feel frustrating and infuriating and hopeless. But if you keep your eye on your objective—the best interests of your children, and you realize that you can only control YOU and not your ex, you will find your frustration will fade a lot quicker, and you will be more at peace with the situation. Your kids will feel that, too. To learn more about what OurFamilyWizard can offer to make your divorce experience less stressful and more productive, visit OurFamilyWizard.com.

OurFamilyWizard is the world’s largest co-parenting platform with a mission to help families living separately thrive. OFW provides both families and the professionals who serve them with the tools necessary for more seamless and successful co-parenting.

Over one million parents and professionals have used OurFamilyWizard to share calendars, messages, journals, files, expenses, and other important information regarding their minor children. Our platform is recommended by courts in all 50 states, Canada, the UK, New Zealand, and Australia.