So, you have an upcoming divorce mediation session. Are you ready to negotiate? Divorce mediation is a collaborative process, but it is absolutely still a negotiation where you will need to advocate for your own needs and objectives. Mediation and negotiation happen simultaneously.
You and your spouse have differing interests or needs and will work together with the mediator to seek a mutually acceptable agreement. The negotiation process will involve the exchange of information, discussion, compromises, and concessions to find common ground to resolve your conflict. The goal of negotiation is to achieve a resolution that satisfies, to some degree, the needs and objectives of all parties. That being said, as a party to the negotiation, there are several things for you to do and consider to make sure your negotiations during divorce mediation sessions yield resolution.
Mediation and negotiation: 10 Tips to Success
1. Prepare thoroughly:
Gather all relevant financial documents, understand your priorities, and decide where you might be willing to compromise. Knowledge is power in negotiations. Pro tip: If you are particularly nervous about an aspect of your divorce, seek additional assistance, such as a divorce coach, financial advisor, Certified Divorce Lending professional, before mediation to give you extra confidence.
For a lot of women who don’t manage the family finances, property division and divorce can be especially nerve-wracking. In that case, invest in some backup. Confer with a financial expert, like a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), to better understand your current financial situation and explore options for settlement that might meet your needs in advance of the first mediation session. Typically, knowledge will dispel lingering fears and make the mediation easier to tackle.
2. Set realistic expectations:
Understand the legal framework and typical outcomes in your jurisdiction. Unrealistic expectations can hinder progress. Going into mediation demanding $30,000 of monthly alimony isn’t all that realistic when your total family income is $35,000 per year before taxes.
Do your research. If you have a premarital agreement in place, read it at least three (3) times before the first mediation session. If you don’t have a premarital agreement, do some online research to better understand the law in your state, especially how it impacts financial issues like alimony (spousal support) and property division. If you’re pursuing mediation, consider hiring a negotiation coach to better understand the process, law, and get your objectives in order.
3. Separate emotions from negotiations:
Divorce is emotionally charged, but strive to stay calm and focused on practical solutions. If your emotions are not under control, it’s hard to see what is best for yourself and your family in the long run. Consider seeking emotional support outside of mediation. You know yourself best.
Are you feeling especially triggered or angry by your spouse or the thought of divorce? Are you too emotional to go through this process at the moment? If so, that’s okay. If your mental health isn’t where it needs to be, seek help right away. Companies like BetterHelp and Open Path Collective make finding low-cost therapists and counselors easier than ever. If you are looking for a local therapist or counselor, seek out GoodTherapy.org to find a provider that will meet your needs.
Many people are in a much better position emotionally to start divorce mediation after even one session with a therapist. Another great option? Hire a Certified Divorce Coach early-on in the process. They will guide and support you while helping you keep the legal issues separate from the sticky emotional ones. Many people find that once the emotions can be peeled apart from the legal issues, solutions are much easier to find. (And you will spend a lot less time and money finding those solutions.)
4. Focus on interests, not positions:
In negotiation, focusing on interests instead of positions means looking beyond the specific demands or stances each party takes (their positions) and delving into the underlying needs, desires, concerns, and motivations that drive those demands (their interests). In the context of divorce mediation, we can use the marital residence as a good example.
Position: “I want the house.”
Interest: “I want stability for the children and to minimize disruption in their lives.”
In this scenario, focusing on the position (“I want the house”) could create a seemingly impossible deadlock if the other party thinks they also want the house. By understanding the underlying interest of the parties (stability for the children), we can explore alternative solutions that might not have been initially considered.
For instance, one party could keep the house for a certain period until the children are older, or they could agree to sell the house and use the proceeds to purchase two smaller homes in the same neighborhood so the children can maintain their social connections and school routines. There is only one marital residence, but there are actually many solutions that will serve the parties’ shared interests. By focusing on interests, you can encourage creative problem-solving that may lead to win-win solutions.
5. Communicate effectively:
Express your needs and concerns clearly and calmly. Avoid accusatory or inflammatory language, as this can derail the mediation process. Remember that great negotiators listen more than they speak, so be prepared to listen and speak carefully. When in doubt, ask questions to better understand the other side’s position, and really listen.
Listen actively, express yourself clearly, and avoid blame or accusations. Good communication fosters understanding and collaboration. Whenever possible, use “I” statements when speaking. Frame your concerns in terms of how you feel and what you need, rather than placing blame on the other party. For example, say, “I feel concerned about financial stability” rather than “You never supported me financially.”
6. Be willing to compromise:
Find areas where you can make concessions without sacrificing your core interests. Compromise is essential for reaching a mutually agreeable solution. It’s imperative you know what your top priorities are, and what the other party’s top priorities are, too. Adequately preparing and having an understanding of your priorities for the negotiation is key. If you go in with a hierarchy of interests, it’s easier to walk away from, say, your fourth most important interest when you know your top three interests are already covered by your settlement terms. Being willing to make a smart compromise could make the difference between settling your mediation and ending up litigating in court.
7. Think long-term:
Focus on the long-term and pick your battles wisely, especially if you want to hop off the divorce carousel as soon as possible. Consider the impact of your decisions on your future and the well-being of any children involved. Focus on sustainable solutions that promote future stability for your family; this is especially important if you will be entering a long-term coparenting relationship with the other party.
A great way to focus on the long-term is to stop to ask yourself the following: “Will this matter in one year?” “Will this matter in five years?”
If it won’t matter, maybe you can walk away or let the other side have their way. Who cares, really? No one is keeping track of all your “micro wins,” and it’s up to you to determine if each issue is worth the time, money, and emotional energy you are sinking into it.
8. Utilize the mediator:
The mediator is an impartial professional who will facilitate communication and negotiation between the parties and promote voluntary decision making by the parties to the divorce. If your mediator is adequately trained and has experience with divorce and custody issues, you are in good hands, turn to the professional. Don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions or ask for assistance. Utilize their expertise to guide discussions, clarify issues, and generate options. When you think all hope is lost, your mediator will have some tricks up her sleeve to keep the conversation moving and get the parties to the finish line.
9. Document everything:
Ensure all agreements are clearly documented and understood by both parties. This prevents misunderstandings and disputes down the line. An experienced mediator will ensure you will have a Memorandum of Understanding or other settlement document that adequately captures your agreement and prepares for any eventualities. Again, if you need clarification or are unsure about something, ask questions!
10. Be patient and persistent:
Trust in your mediator and trust in the process. Mediation can be a lengthy process and could take several sessions—but litigation will be even lengthier and more expensive. Maintain patience, stay focused on your goals, and be persistent in seeking a fair resolution.
As a divorce mediator, negotiation coach, and experienced divorce litigator, I’ve found that many people would benefit from doing more preparation in advance of divorce mediation if they want to be a successful negotiator. Everything you do in divorce should be seen as an investment in your post-divorce future. If you are going into a mediation, make the mediation session count for something by doing the legwork in advance.
Successful mediating parties are willing to do what it takes to get to the finish line with an agreement in hand. The more prepared you are and the better you understand the process and your priorities, the better off you will be. A good mediator will help you during the session, but your individual preparation is vital. Well-prepared mediating parties are more likely to settle their matter and are more likely to be happy with their settlement.
At High Vibe Mediation, I am a recovering litigator who takes a holistic approach to the divorce and co-parenting process, prioritizing equity, collaboration and respect and conflict reduction for individuals, families, and children. The High Vibe approach to divorce or co-parenting mediation empowers you to see conflict as a vehicle for transformation. I hope to empower parties to navigate divorce with clarity and compassion. Set your free discovery call with me today to take the next step towards resolving your divorce with mediation or negotiation coaching.
