One of the biggest conflicts in many divorce cases is how child custody and visitation will be structured.
By Tracy Achen, Divorce Coach
Child custody refers to the legal arrangement regarding the care of a child (or children) after the parents have separated or divorced. It also determines who has the right to make important decisions about the child’s upbringing, education, health care, and more.
What are the different child custody options?
Child custody consists of legal custody, which is the right to make decisions about the child, and physical custody, which is where the child lives. Both types of custody may be designated either solely to one parent or jointly between both parents.
- With joint legal custody, both parents are informed and make decisions in a child’s life.
- The parents may also share physical custody. With joint physical custody, the child resides with both parents on a set rotating schedule, such as 50/50 or 60/40, or any other variation the parents agree upon.
- With sole legal and physical custody, the parent with whom the child lives makes all the decisions, but the other parent may still have visitation rights.
It is best to try to agree on child custody and visitation without going to court. Unfortunately, a ploy some men use is to threaten to sue for custody. They know that this is a woman’s weak spot and by attacking it, she may give up everything else just to keep the kids. Past parenting should indicate if your husband is seriously considering trying to raise the children himself.
Litigating Child Custody and Visitation
If you feel that it’s in your children’s best interest to stay with you, then don’t budge. Just realize that child custody litigation is expensive and can eat up your assets. It can also make it hard to maintain a friendly co-parenting relationship after everything is settled. Worst of all it puts your children in the middle of your divorce proceedings, a place they don’t need to be.
If you do choose to fight for custody through the court system, it is vitally important to be represented by a family law attorney skilled in child custody cases. You’ll also need to provide documentation and evidence that supports your position that you should have custody of your children. This can include things such as school records and communications, child activity logs, pictures from vacations and outings, and anything else that proves you’re the parent who is actively involved in raising your children.
You also need to be aware that a guardian ad litem may be assigned to represent your children’s best interest if your case goes to trial. Child custody cases often become a battle ground in which parents attempt to seek revenge or “win” at all costs. Unfortunately, the needs of the child sometimes get ignored in the process. In these types of situations, a law guardian can offer a fresh perspective. They try to assess the whole picture to create a good outcome for the child. And they may be the only person who offers an unbiased perspective in the case. Judges take the opinions of a guardian ad litem seriously when making a custody determination.
Before taking your case to court, you might consider child custody mediation. The mediator helps parents try to reach an agreement that both of them are comfortable with. Mediation also keeps all the hurtful accusations out of public record, as opposed to a full-blown custody battle. By reaching a mutual agreement, it can be easier to maintain a working relationship with the other parent afterwards.
Working out a visitation schedule
Once child custody is determined, a visitation schedule can be worked out. Remember that children respond best to a routine that they can rely on. While the standard is every other week-end and alternating holidays, you need to take your child’s age and development into consideration.
Here are some general suggestions for visitation based on the age of the child:
- Infants – a few hours every two to three days to build a bond with the parent who doesn’t have physical custody. Over-night is usually too traumatic.
- 6 months to 17 months – One day a week.
- Starting at 18 Months – One day plus a night.
- 2 to 3 years old – Two days plus a night
- Elementary School age – Alternating week-ends, plus extended visits during school breaks
- Teens – Same as above, but with more flexibility to accommodate their schedules.
For more ideas on child custody and visitation arrangements, check out Custody Alternative Schedules, by Robert Emory, a nationally recognized author, psychologist, custody and parenting instructor, and divorce mediator.
Other Visitation Issues to Address
Visitation during holidays and school breaks also needs to be worked out in the child custody section of your divorce papers. Generally the children will spend every other holiday with their father, alternating the years for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The children can benefit if their parents work out a mutual agreement for sharing both holidays and vacations. Always try to keep the child’s best interests in mind and incorporate flexibility into custody and visitation schedules.
Even though custody arrangements may keep your children from seeing their Dad on a regular basis, let them know that they can keep in touch by calling or texting. Try not to let your hard feelings towards your ex get in the way of your children’s relationship with their father.
Your Child’s Reaction to Visitation
When your children visit their Dad, don’t be surprised if they act up after getting back to your house. You might take it as a sign that there’s a problem, but generally, it’s just your child’s way of adjusting between environments.
Give them a little space and talk to them if they are open to it. If they do want to talk, let them lead the discussion, but don’t turn it into an interrogation about your ex (you really don’t need to know if he is seeing someone, or how much money he is blowing). This is about their feelings and not yours.
For more information on child custody and visitation, Nolo’s Essential Guide to Child Custody and Support is a handy reference discussing how child custody and support are generally determined. It also discusses what to expect from the divorce process, how to handle the threat of custodial kidnapping or interference, child support basics, and reaching a custody agreement that would be in the best interest of your children. The reference section includes information for all 50 states on best interest statutes, relocation issues, as well as modifying child custody and/or support. (As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases)
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