Can’t make decisions during divorce? You’re not alone. Many people going through a divorce have a hard time making decisions for many reasons. These include:
- Insecurity: You don’t have the confidence that the decisions you make will be the right ones.
- Indecision: Indecisiveness is very common in divorce. After all, these are big decisions you are making.
- Fear: It’s scary to make decisions you know could affect the rest of your life.
- Heartbreak: You may be so focused on the end of your relationship that your sadness prevents you from thinking clearly.
If you find you are struggling with making decisions during your divorce, let’s start with some common decisions that need to be made, and what you can do not only to make them, but to make really good choices.
1. Should I get divorced?
This is the first decision that needs to be made. Are you getting divorced because you are intensely angry about something? Or, is divorce something you’ve known you wanted for some time? Are both of you going back and forth trying to figure out if you should divorce or try to work things out? For those having a hard time making this decision, I would suggest discernment counseling.
Discernment counseling is very popular right now, but it’s not new. Unlike couples counseling, discernment counseling is a 1-4 session process in which the therapist asks questions aimed to help the couple think things through and figure out the best route forward.
2. Should I stay in the home?
The first question to ask yourself should be: Does it make sense financially for me to stay in the home? You can find your answer by calling a mortgage lender (preferably a CDLP-Certified Divorce Lending Professional) to see if you will qualify for a mortgage and if you can afford a mortgage. I also suggest that you talk with your financial advisor regarding this decision since there are many interrelated financial decisions that you will need to make during the divorce process; the issue of remaining in the home may be dependent upon other financial decisions, such as how assets will be divided.
If it makes sense financially to stay, you then have to decide, “Do I want to stay?” Maybe there are children who are in the school district and this makes the most sense. Maybe you love it there. Or, maybe you feel you need a fresh start and/or the home is too large. These are all issues to consider in making your decision.
3. What parenting schedule would be best for me, the children and my spouse?
In making this very important divorce decision, ask yourself what is best for the children. This is not always easy to do because the best interest of the children might mean 50/50 custody. Sometimes not having the children in your care can be an emotional and upsetting thought. It is important to try to objectively think about your children’s best interest, the importance of having two parents involved in their lives and other logistics such as work schedules. Be honest with yourself and focus on the wellbeing of your children. Your divorce attorney can be very helpful in assisting you in making this decision, as can a mediator who can work with you in developing a parenting plan.
4. Should I/do I need to go back to work?
This is such a thoughtful decision and not one that can be decided quickly. Sometimes it takes months or even years to make the decision of whether or not to return to work. While it may be one more adjustment for the children during a time of transition, it may be financially necessary now that there are two households to support. Aside from finances, returning to work can also provide one with a sense of financial independence and a way to redirect your attention away from the divorce process.
If you do decide to return to work, the next questions may be: “How do I find a job? What am I qualified to do? What industry would I like to work in? Do I want to work full time or part time? What schedule would work best for the family? All of these questions can be overwhelming. I find that a life coach or a divorce coach can provide assistance in working through this process.
5. When should I start dating?
There is no right answer to this question. My advice is, don’t put pressure on yourself to date, and don’t not date because you feel it’s not appropriate. You and you only get to decide when you are ready, and no one should judge you for dating “too soon,” or not dating until you are emotionally ready.
In closing, if you are having difficulty making decisions related to your divorce, I am here to help you, or to recommend otherdivorce professionals who can assist you. Remember that no decision should be made quickly or impulsively. Also, consider which decisions can be later modified, such as parenting plans, and which ones are more long-term, such as buying out your spouse’s interest in the marital home.
Decision making is hard while going through the divorce process. You may also not be in the best mindset to make decisions. That is why surrounding yourself with divorce professionals who are there to support you is the best decision of all!
After over 30 years of hands-on experience working in the courts of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Attorney Catherine Becker Good has developed a trusting and personal approach to interacting with her clients that makes them feel safe, supported, and heard during a vulnerable time. Catherine fully understands that the Probate Court experience can be overwhelming and confusing. She is committed to easing the anxiety and stress that all too often accompanies the probate court process by standing with you and for you as she advocates on your behalf.
Catherine has appeared before most judges in the Probate Courts across the state. This exposure to various courts and the particular practices of each judge has provided Catherine with the necessary insight to navigate through the individual nuances of various judges and court personnel. She will work with you to strategize a legal course of action that best benefits you.
As a skilled negotiator and mediator, Catherine remains focused and calm during highly contentious situations, which helps her clients do the same. With the innate ability to sense when to litigate and when to compromise, Catherine has developed a solid reputation with both clients and court officials built on her impeccable professionalism and legal knowledge. If you’d like to schedule a consultation, visit her website.
