Let’s face it. People get nervous on dates, especially first dates. You want everything to go well, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Actually, people think way too into things when it comes to what to say on a date and what not to say.
One question that will almost always come up, either on a first date or soon after is, “Why did you get divorced?” I mean, you can’t blame the date for wanting to know, right? This is just part of getting to know one another.
As a person who has experienced these kinds of conversations on dates, (both the one who has asked the question and who has been asked) I can honestly say that when people ask “Why did you get divorced?” or “What happened in your marriage?” they know they aren’t getting the full story.
The former spouse isn’t on the date to offer their side of what happened in the divorce. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hear the ex-spouse’s side? It would tell you a lot about your date, but that’s not going to happen.
So, if we ask our divorced dates why they got divorced, and we’re only getting one side of the story, why do we want to know? Because we want to hear what they have to say. We want to see if there’s bitterness in the answer. We want to see if things add up. We want to gauge the sincerity of the response. Because even from one side of the story, we can get the landscape of the person’s situation.
Several years ago, when I was dating, I met a guy on Facebook who was newly separated. We decided to meet at a bar. I felt more comfortable with my friends around, so I made the evening a group get together.
The four of us talked a lot and eventually it was just he and I in a conversation. So, I asked him, “Why are you getting divorced?”
His response was, “Well, my wife and I were going through a tough time and I did some things I probably shouldn’t have.”
I tried to hide the fact that my jaw was on the ground. This guy just admitted to cheating. Boom. Deal breaker for me. This guy clearly got it wrong. Immediately, I was done. From that moment on, I had no interest in ever going out with him again. I know that sounds judgmental, closed-minded and short sighted, but that’s how I felt. It was a complete turnoff, and what was sad was, he really did seem like a good person. Still, there was no turning back from that response.
Since then, we have become friends, and have always stayed in touch. A couple years later I decided to be honest with him and tell him without sugarcoating what I thought of his response to “Why did you get divorced?”
He then told me that he did not cheat on his wife, but rather that he flirted with some women, that it was inappropriate, and that he knew he handled things badly.
“Why didn’t you tell me that at the bar?” I asked. It would have made a huge difference.
What to say on a date in response to questions about your divorce:
The point of this story is, how you answer questions such as, “Why did you get divorced?” is very important in a new relationship.
In my friend’s case, he is a total sweetheart. He knows now that he shouldn’t have done what he did, and that flirting and talking to other women is not a good way to handle a rough patch in a marriage. That he instead should have reached out to his wife and said, “You aren’t giving me what I need emotionally. I want this to work. I don’t want to lose what we have. Can we get help? Can we try to make our marriage better?”
If he’d have said those things to me at the bar, I’d have viewed him as he really is: a good guy who made some mistakes, and actually, he didn’t’ even cheat. Maybe a tad bit of emotional cheating, but I don’t think that would have stopped me from dating him.
So, what do you say on a date when asked, “Why did you get divorced?” First, have this answer prepared. I’m not saying rehearse it and be non-genuine. I’m just saying, really think about what you want to tell men (or women) about what happened in your marriage. If you know what you want to say, things will come out more smoothly.
Secondly, answer honestly. If you did cheat, you owe it to the person to say so. You can always follow up with how you regret it and what you now know you should have done instead. I think you will find that most men and women are understanding and forgiving.
Also, I want to add that you don’t have to go into tremendous details and air your dirty laundry about why you got divorced. Share as much as you feel comfortable sharing. But, make sure there is enough of an explanation so that the person knows who the real you is.
Lastly, don’t answer the question by talking about what an asshole or jerk or bitch your ex is. That just sounds classless and bitter. It’s unattractive and it shows the date that you clearly aren’t over the divorce and might not be in a good place to get into a relationship.
Whether it’s in the first five minutes of a first date, several dates down the road or somewhere in between, questions about your divorce will be asked, and what to say on a date on this topic is extremely important. How you answer this and other divorce questions could be a game changer in the relationship.
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