Men can be victims of chronic abuse and betrayal too. In 2019, I interviewed David for my book “The Life-Saving Divorce.” His story was powerful, and it changed the way I saw men, martial abuse, and parental alienation. At the time, he was dealing with legal and parenting issues with his ex-wife, and had just remarried. In this video interview, he tells the story of his first marriage: the betrayal that led to his waking up about the abuse, his efforts to fix the marriage, and the custody crisis that ensued.
PART 1: David was brought up in a high-achieving conservative Christian homeschooling family, and attended a complementarian church that was part of the Sovereign Grace group of churches on the East Coast. He was taught the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” purity culture formula for courtship and marriage, which is well-intentioned but often results in pushing young people to marry young and to ignore danger signs.
David was a good kid from a loving home who had a great relationship with his parents—and followed all the rules, rules that promised marital success in his faith community.
In this interview he talks about the dangers of being brought up complementarian, and never taught what to do when you’ve gone several stages down the courtship path and notice serious red flags in your fiancé. He discusses the outward signs of holiness that were supposed to guarantee a good marriage but in reality distract young people from focusing on integrity, intimacy, respect, friendship, and authenticity. Although his first wife was known to be deceitful and unstable prior to their wedding (something other people had warned him about), he was given assurances by his faith community that all would be well because she met the litmus test of wanting to be a traditional stay-at-home mother.
These teachings propelled him to wed a destructive woman who was manipulative and coercive. After many years and three children, she eventually drove him to despair and depression, falsely accusing him of a felony, resulting in his arrest (and later exoneration).
He talks about trauma bonds, and the therapists who saved his life and helped him see the truth about love addictions that cause a person to debase themselves to keep the relationship. He also discusses his strong faith in God today, despite his wife lying and moving the children to another state and the year-long legal battle to get them back. Find out why he was given sole custody by the court, and why he volunteered to share custody with his ex-wife anyway.
PART 2: David talks about custody with his ex-wife, being a good stable parent, dating again, and his happy remarriage. We talk about finding the courage to date; how to know if someone is safe; and how his new wife integrated into the firestorm of his life after divorce.
ABOUT
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For more than 20 years, she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, and emotional abuse. She helps heartbroken people find strength and courage and healing.
Her book, “The Life-Saving Divorce” is about the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. She will give you optimism about your children’s future (nearly 8 in 10 children turn out fine after divorce, according to top researchers); and will help you understand emotional abuse, “gaslighting,” the abuse cycle, and tips for surviving high-conflict divorces.
FOR A DISCUSSION ON THE TOPIC OF MALE VICTIMS OF ABUSE, read Chapter 9 in The Life-Saving Divorce book.
What’s a Life-Saving Divorce? A Life-Saving Divorce is a divorce for the serious reasons: a pattern of chronic emotional abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, sexual immorality, felony behavior, neglect, and/or substance abuse.
How to Get the Book, “The Life-Saving Divorce: Hope for People Leaving Destructive Relationships”
Paperback Book/Kindle via Amazon: https://amzn.to/3CCBsnr As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
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