Welcome to the world of co-parenting, where so many emotions, feelings, and thoughts get wrapped up in one little word!
It is normal to find it easy to relate and communicate with some people and harder with others. For most of us, this new phase of relating to ‘our kids’ other parent’ is going to take some work to figure out, but it is important for you and your children that you do the work to form new ways of communicating!
Why?
All children have the right to love both their parents and be loved by both of their parents. After all, children share the DNA of both parents and don’t have the choice to ‘divorce’ either of you. The best way for you to think about divorce would be as the process of ‘uncoupling the marriage’… not breaking the family unit, because from a child’s perspective they will always have their family: “mom, dad, me”!
The uncoupling process impacts everyone in different ways and figuring out how to relate to the other parent during this process and after takes work! Emotions are high and always changing thus making this process challenging.
Foundations For Successful Co-Parenting
Below are four important things you can do to lay the foundation for a successful shared-parenting relationship. (Do not worry, even if you have been doing this for some time, you can still use the information below to reassess and shift the dynamics of your shared-parenting relationship to encourage more positive support for your children.)
1. Understand that you are now an owner in a Business called: ‘The Children’ And You and the Other Parent are business partners
Yes, it is true, you have just entered a Business Partnership and your mission is to create an environment where your children are allowed to love both of you and be loved by both of you! In this business partner relationship, neither party can buy the other person out of the business (after all your children come from both of you and need both of you in their lives to thrive).
The best way to think about it is like a tree that needs to grow and thrive. You and your child’s other parent are the roots of the tree, for your children to grow up and flourish they need both parent’s roots, love, and support to grow and blossom.
Reading and mentally understanding this are much easier than shifting one’s mindset, communication style, mannerisms, and emotions. Becoming aware that you and your child’s other parent are no longer in an intimate partner relationship and learning how to separate your personal emotions and feelings from the new business partner relationship to focus only on issues about the kids, are great steps to take in laying the foundation for a positive shared parenting relationship.
2. Assess & set supportive internal boundaries (This is for You!)
It is imperative to look inward at yourself and the personal boundaries you have (or do not have) for yourself. You see, healthy boundaries are when you truly honor yourself and your needs, thus eliminating the need to put outward-facing boundaries towards others.
Let me share a personal example; I am a person who likes to give my time to others, hear them, really understand them, connect with them, and help them to grow (that is why I am a coach😊). But because I had not defined my own personal boundaries, I was finding life was controlling me. I had no ‘extra’ time and the more I tried to find that time, the harder it got. I became emotionally weighed down because I was disappointing so many people.
So, I stopped, took a hard look, and realized that I had to honor myself, and what I wanted first. I found for me to have a balanced life in all areas: work, family, friends, I needed to decide how much time I would spend in each of those areas, time block my calendar for each of these areas, and protect each of those time blocks! So now, I do not have to say ‘no’ to any one thing, I can say ‘YES, and here’s when I’m available’:)
Do you have healthy personal boundaries?
Start with taking an internal look at yourself, define what you really want for your life, learn to respect, and honor yourself, and then define boundaries to help you live the life you want.
As it relates to your shared parenting business partnership, healthy personal boundaries mean assessing what you want your shared parenting business partnership to be like now and in the future. For example, if you want to have little communication, dialog, or contact with your co-parent then it is very important to be aware of this and to create personal boundaries that support what you want.
An example of a healthy boundary to support your needs might be to agree that child drop-off meeting locations happen at the daycare or school rather than at each other’s homes so that the contact is minimized. Conversely, if what you want for your shared parenting business partnership is to have ongoing contact and engagement with the other parent, then honoring your boundaries would be to have drop-offs where you are seeing each other.
3. Objectively evaluate your past couple dynamics
As in any business partnership, it is important to learn and understand how your partner thinks so that you can easily conduct business together. It is simple really if your partner is not a morning person and does their best work in the afternoon, then the afternoon would be the optimal time to bring up that important business topic. The same thing is true for this business partnership called: Your Kids!
To effectively run this business, you will need to understand how to work with your business partner. Taking the time to objectively evaluate your past ‘married couple decision making dynamic’ will help you in determining what will be the best parenting structure and plan to support a successful shared parenting business partnership. You might start by asking yourself these questions:
- How did you relate to each other while married?
- Were you able to have a conversation about a topic in which each of you had different opinions and, in the end, negotiate a compromise to resolve the issue?
- Was there one person in the relationship that made all the decisions in your home?
- Were you unable to have a talking discussion about a topic where you had different opinions and always ended up arguing with very little resolution?
Once you are aware of this dynamic, then you can create a shared parenting business partnership structure to support having a peaceful relationship. For example, if your couple dynamic while married was one of compromise, then considering a parenting structure like ‘Nesting’ or ‘Co-Parenting’ may work for you when divorced. If your married couple dynamic was unable to compromise, then maybe a ‘Parallel Parenting’ structure partnership would be more suitable for your shared parenting partnership.
Even if your parenting structure has been determined, you have opportunities to shift the shared parenting relationship by having this knowledge and changing the way you communicate with your business partner.
4. Observe the other parent’s outward boundaries toward you
Becoming aware of how your ex-spouse is acting and or reacting to you is necessary for the success of your new partnership. For example: If they choose to communicate with you by texting and do not respond to any other method of communication, then this is their preferred approach of communicating with you. If you can live with that then, great!
Consider this one of the ways that your business partnership is working well! However, if you have not set a personal boundary for yourself and feel annoyed by the texting OR set a personal boundary but have not honored yourself by observing this boundary, then the texting may begin to break down the business partnership relationship.
When you honor your personal boundaries and are observing the other parent’s boundaries it becomes easier to address these issues, just like you would in a business partnership or with a business peer.
It is hard to have emotion or create a disagreement with another person when speaking of your own personal boundary in a business relationship manner. Below are two sample emails (or messages in OFW app), using the above scenario, which illustrates honoring personal boundaries and communicating to a business partner.
“I would like to come up with a communication strategy that works best for both of us so that we are meeting the needs of the kids.
What is working best for me is when I communicate to you about parenting issues via email (or OFW parenting app) and reserve text messaging for emergency issues such as delays in drop-offs or the kids being sick.
Is this something that would work for you?”
OR
“I will be able to respond to your question about our children when I receive the information in an email format (or on OFW) as I do not check my text messages regularly”
If you are just starting out on this journey, the above foundations will help you define your new parenting structure, plan, and communication strategy to promote a successful business partnership.
If your structure and plan have already been established, using the above foundations will help you identify opportunities to improve your business partner relationship. OFW has great tools and resources to support you with this and if you feel you need additional support, reach out to professional support like coaches, mental health providers, mediators, or a family law attorney to discuss this and help you improve your partnership.
Quick Tip Summary
- You are in a business partnership
- Define & honor your internal boundaries
- Understand your ‘married dynamic’ so you select a parenting structure (nesting, co-parenting, parallel parenting), parenting schedule (2-2-3, Bi-weekly, 1 week, etc.), and have a written custody agreement that will set you up for shared parenting success
- Observe your child’s other parent and how they are reacting to you
- Communicate Information as You Would Communicate to A Work Peer or Business Partnership
- Keep Your Communication Strictly about the business: ‘The Kids’ & use outside resources to help you process your personal feelings
- Utilize Parenting Apps to Support You