It takes some time to be ready to “do something” to heal from the shock, grief, and life changes that divorce brings.
Even if you were the person who initiated the separation or divorce, and you feel the first flushes of freedom, that’s just the beginning. As you begin living in your new reality, challenges and emotions arise that you may not have been prepared for.
It takes time.
But, how much time?
The rule of thumb from many experts is that it takes the half-life of the relationship. If you were together for 10 years, prepare to be suffering for 5. If you were together for 20 years; 10 years to fully recover emotionally.
As you know, if you’ve been reading my blog and are familiar with my website, it was precisely this kind of news that led me to create my own system for emotional healing.
So, how long will it take until you’re ready to start getting better? I don’t think it’s a matter of a timetable. My experience has taught me that you start to heal whenever you reach that point of being fed up with feeling this way, and you get really clear that no more of your life will be lived like this.
How do I know when someone is ready to stop grieving, ready to start working to let go of the past, and ready to open up to what her future might be like?
Here are the top 5 signs I look for:
1. You’re angrier than you are sad. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You’re looking at the time you’ve lost in unhappy years with husband #1, #2, or #3, and you’re doing the math: X unhappy married years + X months/years of separation/divorce proceedings + X months/years shell-shocked and grieving (maybe even trying to get him back) = ____ years of your life gone.
And you wake up one day, and you say to yourself, “No more!”
2. You’re tired of spinning your wheels in therapies that keep you stuck or groups that just keep drowning your sorrows.
You think, “I’ve been going to therapy, I’ve been going to support group, I’ve been attending church, I’ve been ________________ (fill in the blank). Why isn’t it getting better?”
It doesn’t make sense that it has to take so many years or unending expense of open-ended therapy in order to feel whole again. You’re ready to think out of the box and try something completely different.
3. You’re ready to try almost anything, as long as you start seeing positive change and feeling hope.
You’ve decided this: The program that’s right for you has to bring you measurable results, not just endless talking and commisserating. You realize that the free-of-charge program or the cheapest solution isn’t the best solution because you’ve already tried those. You’re ready to work with someone who can help you set goals and you’re willing to be accountable for following the program to get there. You’re ready to talk with a new coach or two to find someone who can give you what others could not. You want your life back so much you can taste it.
4. You’re ready to put in a little work to stop suffering.
You’re not feeling as strong as you want to be. In fact, you’re still feeling sad and wiped out most days, but you’re willing to start taking baby steps. It’s just hard for you to see the big picture right now. But you are ready to take some action, consistently, and build from there. You’re not an excuses kind of person.
5. You’re starting to feel deeply curious about what your life could be like if you started thinking out of the box. You’ve been thinking, “What if . . .”
You’re wondering if there could be more to life for you than what you’ve been conditioned to think. You’re wondering if life could be fun again. You’d love to have more friends. You’d love to have people in your life who care about you and who encourage you to do the things you love. Or, maybe you just want to figure out what things you do love.
Every once in a while, you have a glimpse of a feeling of freedom, a feeling that now your life belongs to you, or that it could start belonging to you a little bit more. But, then you start to feel afraid. And then, you go back to #1 on this list: You’re angrier than you are sad. You do want your life back.
Here’s one thing you could do next:
If you’re new to me, read around on my blog, right here on the site. See if you like the way I think.
If you think I’m different enough that I can help you, and you’d like to chat with me, let’s talk. I have something called Emotional Reset & Release that I created to help you resolve just one source of pain you’re experiencing — and have you feel some relief fast — so you can decide whether I’m the right person to accompany you on your divorce healing journey. Real results are what I’m all about. You can find out more about it here.
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