Leaving Your Husband in Your 50s — The Dynamic Divorcée

This one’s for you, if you’re in your 50s (or 60s, or 70s) and thinking about leaving your husband.

At the moment, you may think that you’d be willing to sacrifice anything and everything in order to get away from the soul-killing grouch (or worse) you’ve been living with, but you also know there is a lot to lose at this stage of life.

Let’s take this step by step, and I’m hoping that, by the time you get to the end of this post, you’’ll have some ideas about the first (or next) steps to take in order to decide if leaving your husband is really worth it. And, if not, some things you can do to be happier than you have been!

Let’s start with regrets my clients over 50 have expressed, after they asked for and got their divorces.

Here are the things I hear most often from women who come to me for coaching to emotionally heal from divorce (and create a happy new life). I hear these most often from women who thought they wanted a divorce (and found that maybe they didn’t):

I’m writing this list in the singular, but just know that many women expressed each of these regrets:

1. She thought it would be easy to find a new partner — but her ex-husband kept looking better and better to her after the reality of life alone set in.

2. Lifelong friends abandoned her, or no longer had time for her because she was no longer part of a couple.

3. The kids became closer to the ex (especially if he was the more financially successful one) and she felt alone and forgotten.

4. Peace and quiet seemed so good, at first, but she found it unbearable to be alone at home (or to sleep alone).

5. Difficulty in making new friends. Even if she had plenty of resources to dine out and travel, there was no one to do it with.

6. She thought she’d somehow be able to keep her home, but the reality ended up being a tiny apartment in a downscale neighborhood.

Notice how so many of these regrets can be eased (or erased) with an equitable financial settlement and the willingness to make the first move socially (and be willing to do it over and over and over again). In other words, it takes some planning and persistence when starting a completely new life, so let’s look at some mistakes to avoid (or important things to do, right away).

Even if you were blindsided, and never expected to be divorced at this point in your life, you can’t afford totally to fall apart right now. This is the time to become a woman who gets what she wants, now that you know men are not the answer and we need to make the magic for ourselves.

1. Don’t go in blind about your marital assets. Immediately find all the paperwork or passwords associated with all of your assets (“his” as well as your joint assets as well as the things he may have been hiding from you). Print out copies of absolutely everything that a lawyer will want to see as part of the financial discovery process. You need proof that these assets exist, before your husband starts to hide them.

2. Don’t just assume that you’re in a no-fault state. Research the laws in your state. Find out what constitutes grounds for divorce. For example, did you know that, at the time of this writing, there are nine states that will go hard on your soon-to-be-ex if he was a cheater?

3. Don’t go with the first lawyer you hear about. Start interviewing divorce lawyers — at least three. Get recommendations from friends, and start weighing the costs of a legal battle against what you may have to gain. You can’t afford not to receive 50% of your joint assets, if you’ve been in a marriage of 20 years or more and have made career sacrifices for the marriage.

4. Don’t say anything to your husband until you’re reasonably sure that divorce is in your own best interest. If you’re the one who is interested in divorcing, doing all of the above will provide you with a great deal of information to help you decide whether divorce is worth it. If splitting your assets would impoverish both of you, perhaps a permanent separation is a better answer. Or, if your husband is unhappy, too, you can talk about how you can each have more autonomy, with greater happiness and without destroying yourself financially.

5. Don’t trust your husband. What he says to you will likely have nothing in common with what he says to his lawyer. If your husband wants the divorce, don’t believe him if he’s making noises about being fair and equitable now. You’re not safe. He will likely not continue to feel this way throughout the divorce process. We’re talking about the rest of your life, here, with a diminished lifestyle from the one you expected to have post-retirement. This is not the time to trust him and let him handle things. He is likely not to care what happens to you after divorce. This is the patriarchy, ladies!

After taking the steps above, maybe you’re thinking it would be worth it to give your marriage another try. But what are some things you could do?

So, after reading all this, maybe you’re wondering: Can this marriage be saved?

Maybe. But the best path is to start doing a few things differently. Don’t talk to him about how you feel or how unhappy you are. Don’t say you’ve been thinking about divorce. For the next six months or so, you’ll be a woman of mystery.

1. Work on being more in control of your own future. Find a job (or a better job), start a side-hustle in addition to your job, and work towards being able to leave the marriage at some point. Find some new activities that bring you joy — and bring a new circle of acquaintances and friends into your life.

2. If you haven’t done so lately, find little ways to appreciate and compliment your husband. Try to find at least three things a day that you appreciate about him, even if they’re small. This is to make you happier and less focused on everything that’s bad. It’s not about placating him. If you consistently can find three things to compliment him about, see if you can up it to five. Make the compliments fun and casual. He shouldn’t know that you’re trying hard.

3. During the period in which you have to remain in the marriage, start by taking a step or two towards your husband, if you haven’t been doing so. Which interests of his can you share? What has he been asking for that won’t hurt you much by doing? Can you be a little friendlier with each other? Once again, this is all about you and your happiness. If he reciprocates, that’s just icing on the cake. You’re playing a game with yourself; it doesn’t matter what he does.

4. Which interests did the two of you share years ago? If he’s not interested, you can still explore some of those things on your own. Take a social dance class. Volunteer at the local botanic garden. Join a hiking group. Rejoin the choir at church. Take a road trip with some friends. Brainstorm with yourself: What would make you feel alive again?

5. If things start to go a little better, ask him about his “bucket list,” the things he’d really love to do before it’s too late. It might be interesting to hear what he says, and it may give you an idea of whether the two of you have anything to share going forward.

6. If you haven’t done so in a long time, pay attention to him. Listen to him when he speaks — what is he really saying? See if he might be the same guy you were once in love with, except that life, boredom, and disappointments have simply gotten in the way.

Don’t expect any fast, dramatic improvements if you and your husband have already been living separate lives for years. This is about tiny steps. Anything that makes life even slightly more tolerable is a big win, for now.

All along the way, keep enlarging your own world. If you are able to divorce at some point, you’ll need to provide for yourself, you’ll need to make new friends, and you’ll need to develop fun new interests to replace the space your ex used to have in your world. You can start doing all of those things now.

The bigger your own life is, the less you’ll be focused on who your husband is and who he isn’t. He’ll only be a small part of your life, and you may find that you’re happier. And, bonus: that you’re once again, more fascinating to him.

See where you’re at six months from today, if you try the ideas above.

Want more divorce healing how-tos like this one? Subscribe here.