Written by Liesel Darby, Mediator & Divorce Coach

Going through a divorce can already feel emotionally draining, and when your co-captain is a difficult ex-spouse, it can seem impossible to find calm waters. You’re not alone on this journey; many women have navigated these choppy waters and found their way to smoother sailing. This blog post is your beacon of hope, illuminating strategies that work, offering a helping hand in the form of support groups, and affirming the importance of maintaining legal boundaries.

Rock and A Hard Place: Choosing Your Response

Everyone knows that communicating with a difficult ex-spouse can feel like crashing into the rocky shore when all you want is to lie on the white sandy beach beyond the rocks. A cold Rum Runner in your hand is a bonus. How to deal with the rocks? Angry feelings will only get you cut up. You must become a rock.

This is the opposite of throwing stones, mind you. You might have heard of the gray rock method—a strategy where you make yourself as uninteresting as possible to avoid giving your ex-spouse ammunition to rile you up. But have you heard about the yellow rock technique? It’s about being warm yet unyielding, like sunlight that doesn’t waver no matter how many clouds pass by. These techniques work in the present moment, but also have the long-term benefit of extinguishing snarky attempts by your difficult STBX (soon-to-be-ex-spouse) to engage you in nonproductive upheaval. 

Imagine you’re co-parenting and asking the other parent about the kids’ weekend plans…your difficult ex spouse starts veering off into personal attacks. Channel your inner ‘yellow rock’—stay warm, stay firm, give no emotional responses. Just reiterate your question calmly because, at the end of the day, the conversation about children’s well-being deserves your undivided, emotion-free attention.  Boring is beautiful.

The BIFF Model: A Beacon of Clarity

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Think of it as a compass that can guide you to effective communication. Answer that hostile email from your difficult ex spouse with just the facts. Keep it short, be informative without oversharing, stay friendly despite the provocation, and stand your ground firmly without any aggressiveness. Again, emotional distance is key. Have you tried drafting a BIFF response? How did it steer the conversation?

Stress Management: Keeping Your Ship Afloat

When your ex-husband decides to stir things up, it is crucial to have your own life raft of stress management techniques. Deep breathing exercises, meditation, or a few minutes of yoga can keep you afloat amid the emotional undercurrents of a difficult conversation. Try the box method of breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for four counts, then exhale for four counts.    This can work wonders for calming frayed nerves. Or try visualizing yourself in a calm place (maybe lying on that white sandy beach, staring at the turquoise water). Instant relaxation. 

You could also try visualizing the desired outcome of an upcoming conversation with your difficult ex-spouse, with you calmly discussing only pertinent information, staying away from any attempts to draw you into an argument. Remember, your well-being is the life jacket that protects both you and your children from going under.

An Emotional Support Crew: You’re Not Sailing Solo

If the waves of emotional turmoil become too much to bear alone, remember that joining a divorce support group can provide the camaraderie and understanding you need. Sharing stories like sailing tales can help you navigate through your own. There is something comforting about listening to others’ challenges and victories. Sharing your own may provide someone else the courage to keep moving forward. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. When did you last reach out for support, and how did it change your perspective?

Legal Boundaries: Your Map to Navigating Rights and Responsibilities

While emotional detachment is key, it’s also critical to understand and respect legal boundaries around communication, especially in custody contexts. You must respond to requests regarding your child’s medical, educational, and general well-being—it’s part of the legal compass you need to follow. Direct your conversations towards compliance and keep meticulous records.

It’s always wise to have your map meticulously charted. Using an app such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents (there are others as well, at various price points) can greatly help to keep conversations focused on the kids and provides a record of your conversations that are transparent to the courts, family law attorneys, and any other professionals that you allow to view your conversations with your STBX.

Steering Towards Solutions: The Art of Conflict Resolution

Conflict can be like encountering a sudden squall. To sail through smoothly, keep your focus on moving forward toward solutions. Avoid the turbulent waters of blame and resentment; they only push you back into the storm. Although it is easy to fall back into negative emotions, set an intention to take a higher point of view. How often do you consciously steer conversations with your ex towards finding resolutions rather than rehashing old arguments?

A Guiding Light to Calmer Seas

Reframing your approach to communication with your difficult ex-spouse isn’t about making them change—it’s about being in control of your own behavior. The only person you have any control over is yourself, and the good news is that you can absolutely do that. Be the beacon, not the waves. And, when the going gets tough, seek the lighthouse of professional guidance, be it a divorce coach, legal advisor, or a trusted support network.

Remember, you are the captain of your ship, and your course is yours to chart. Your journey might have stormy days, but with the right tools, techniques, and support, you’ll find your way to tranquil shores. Keep navigating, keep learning, and keep prioritizing your peace. The horizon holds brighter days.

Embark on a new journey and join a supportive community of fellow navigators. Intentional Divorce Solutions offers virtual divorce support groups. Join us and sail towards a positive future because every woman deserves to chart her course to calmer seas.

Related blog posts: 

Help Eliminate Shared Parenting Struggles with One of these Co-Parenting Apps

Post-Divorce Co-Parenting Conflict Around the Holidays

Resolve to Be a Better Co-Parent

My Key to Successful Co-Parenting is Not “Putting My Children First”

About Intentional Divorce Solutions

At Intentional Divorce Solutions, we specialize in guiding you through the divorce process with intention. This includes:

• Mindful Decision-Making: Our expertise helps you make informed decisions with long-term benefits.
• Constructive Communication: We foster open, honest dialogue to minimize conflict.
• Collaborative Solutions: We assist in finding solutions that honor the needs of both parties.
• Emotional Well-being: We address the emotional impacts on all family members.
• And Future-Focused Planning: We prioritize your post-divorce stability and well-being.

At Intentional Divorce Solutions, our goal is to transform the divorce process into a journey of cooperation and respect, ensuring a healthier transition for everyone involved.

Our team provides comprehensive support and expertise in several key areas:

• Divorce Financial Planning and Analysis: Providing in-depth financial insights and strategies for a secure future post-divorce.
• Divorce Mediation: Facilitating respectful and balanced negotiations to reach mutually beneficial resolutions.
• Divorce Coaching: Offering personalized support and guidance to help you navigate through emotional and practical challenges of divorce.
• Divorce Support Groups: Creating a space for sharing experiences and finding strength in community support.

Please Note: We focus on providing support and solutions in various aspects of divorce. However, we are not attorneys and do not offer legal advice.

Work With Us

If you are on the journey of divorce and seeking professional, empathetic support, we are here to assist you. Reach out to us to discover how our services can be adapted to your unique needs, empowering you to make informed decisions for respectful and positive outcomes.

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Facing the prospect of divorce can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to finances. Whether you’re contemplating a separation or already navigating the divorce process, it’s crucial to prioritize your financial well-being. You need practical advice and actionable steps geared toward preparing for a divorce financially. From understanding your assets and liabilities to planning for alimony and child support, this article explores all the aspects of financial awareness needed during divorce.

The Importance of Financial Awareness During the Divorce Process

By Sarah J. Jacobs, Family Law Attorney

Talking about money can be difficult even under the best of circumstances, and for what we anticipate is a large part of the population, divorce likely does not qualify as “the best of circumstances.”

But building awareness of your finances, both in terms of what they are now and where you want them to be, is critical to both understanding your choices during divorce and meeting your goals for life after divorce.

What Do We Mean By Financial Awareness?

When we talk about “financial awareness,” we’re talking about having a comprehensive understanding of your financial situation, including all assets, debts, and expenses. 

This includes, but isn’t limited to, things like:

• Joint or separate bank accounts
• Investment accounts
• Retirement funds
• Insurance policies
• Mortgages or loans
• Credit card debt
• Other financial assets like savings bonds or Bitcoin
• And any other financial obligation like student loan debt 

Financial awareness goes beyond specific accounts and balances. It also means having knowledge of your income and expenses on a monthly basis, as well as your short-term and long-term financial needs. Is your trusty car on its last legs or could your house need a new boiler? Have you recently adjusted your financial strategies to deal with tax obligations? What financial goals have you set for yourself? 

All this information comes together to create a holistic picture of financial awareness that can support you through the divorce process and give your legal team a solid body of information to work from. 

And even better—financial awareness is a cornerstone of planning for your future.

How Financial Awareness Can Help During Divorce

Money and divorce are two incredibly nuanced topics. Your divorce attorney can guide you through the legal aspects of equitable distribution, alimony, child support, and more, but remember—they aren’t financial professionals!

Individuals getting ready to start a divorce may do well to work in tandem with a trusted financial advisor (which can include financial planners and tax advisors)  so they can get the advice they need to achieve their goals.

With that in mind, here are some of the specific benefits that come with strong financial awareness.

1. Allows You to Better Advocate for a Fair Division of Assets and Liabilities

A clear understanding of your financial situation is crucial in ensuring a fair and equitable division of assets and liabilities during a divorce. While your attorney will help identify assets (and liabilities!), coming into your divorce with the greatest financial awareness possible can help simplify the process.

Moreover, being financially aware can help you better protect yourself. Along with working with an experienced divorce attorney, this helps you decrease the likelihood that you might unknowingly sign away your rights to certain assets or shoulder debts that are not rightfully yours.

2. Supports Smoother Child Support and Alimony Negotiations

Calculating child support and alimony is a highly fact-sensitive process. While guidelines and statutes provide guardrails, each divorce must weigh specific considerations for each family. 

Financial awareness can contribute to a smoother negotiation process, as having a clear picture makes it easier to get on the same page. 

What’s more, it can also help you better advocate for your needs and those of your family. For example, if your child is passionate about ice hockey and is part of a travel team, you may want to negotiate extra expenses related to this activity (such as hockey camp or related travel costs).

3. Helps Plan for a Post-Divorce Financial Future

Being financially aware empowers you to make sound decisions about your assets, investments, and day-to-day expenses. It can also help you prepare for unexpected costs or changes in circumstances post-divorce. This might include (but certainly isn’t limited to):

• Moving and housing expenses
• Changes in health insurance or massive cost changes 
• New (and potentially increased) lifestyle costs
• Changes in tax obligations

Additionally, it allows you to set realistic goals and create a budget that aligns with your financial capabilities. This is especially important if you are receiving spousal support or have dependents.

Key Steps to Preparing for a Divorce Financially

In addition to working with trusted legal counsel and financial professionals to understand your marital assets, there are steps you can take to further establish your finances, protect assets, and build financial awareness. By staying informed and taking these proactive steps, you can confidently navigate the complexities of divorce and safeguard your economic interests.

1. Gather Proof of Assets and Liabilities

Put together the fullest possible documentation of your financial life. Document all assets and liabilities you’re aware of, then create a timeline based on the documentation.

This information helps your attorney establish what assets are individual or marital. They can then better advocate for you during equitable distribution negotiations; for example, if you can document that you purchased a property five years before meeting your spouse, you may be better positioned to establish it as individual property. 

(But keep in mind, there is always nuance. If a property increases or decreases in value, the increase could be subject to equitable distribution, and the decrease might be shared between the parties)

What Kind of Documents Do You Need?

You might feel like you’re swimming in documents during divorce, but having a list can help. Financial documents you may need as proof could include: 

• Employment records, including pay stubs and benefits 
• Tax returns from the last five years
• Six months of statements for all accounts (bank, credit union, investments, mortgage, credit cards, auto loans, etc.) 
• Brokerage statements 
• Retirement accounts (pensions, 401Ks, IRA, Roth IRA, military, etc.)
• Wills and trusts 
• Life insurance policies 
• General insurance policies 
• Business documents (partnership agreements, tax returns, buy-sell agreements, etc.) 
• Real estate deeds, purchase agreements, mortgages, rental/lease agreements, appraisals, etc. 
• Financing documents and titles for any vehicles 
• Personal property documents (invoices, contracts, insurance, appraisals, etc.) 
• Proof of all outstanding debt (mortgages, personal loans, credit cards, student loans, tax debt, promissory notes, etc.)

2. Assess Property Value

Instead of taking your former spouse’s word for it or trusting their provided appraisal of any assets, it can be beneficial to work with a third-party forensic accountant or valuation expert to obtain an accurate appraisal for your marital assets. 

This is especially important for significant assets such as real estate (whether your home or investment properties), businesses (see more below), and collections (think coins, artwork, and other collectibles). Even sports memorabilia should be assessed, as it often has variable appraisals.

Note that vehicles, unless they are collectibles, don’t need a forensic or valuation expert; Kelly Blue Book, Edmunds, or other platforms can provide reliable values.  

3. Consider Business Assets

If you or your spouse started a business during your marriage, it could be considered a marital asset, even if the other spouse was never involved in the business. 

If business assets are part of your financial landscape, working with financial professionals is key to determining what steps you should take. 

• A forensic accountant can help value the business, including liabilities, so you can determine its value and/or your share of its value.  
• A financial advisor can help you come up with a plan to safeguard your company finances, shore up your documentation, and more. 
• A tax advisor can work with you to minimize tax liabilities, plan for property transfers, plan for future tax implications, and avoid adverse tax consequences.

4. Collect Any Evidence of Misuse of Marital Funds

While the cause of divorce doesn’t typically impact the division of marital property, there are some exceptions. 

For example, if you can demonstrate that your spouse’s actions led to the dissipation of marital assets because of their misuse of funds or property, you may receive a larger share of marital assets. Some examples of this include spending shared funds to engage in extramarital affairs or losing excessive amounts of shared funds from gambling. 

To prove claims of misuse of marital funds, your attorney will look for evidence of when misuse occurred and to what extent. 

They will also look at the source of monies used and what the monies were used for, if known. They may review the financial documentation you provided, such as bank records or credit card statements, to trace withdrawals or expenditures. 

They may also look at patterns of transfers between accounts. 

The Decisions You Make Today Can Prepare You for the Future

In the divorce process, information is key to making the right choices for your future, and that includes information regarding your individual and marital finances. Build your financial awareness today to protect your future. 

When in doubt, contact a divorce attorney to help you navigate the process.

Sarah J. Jacobs is an experienced divorce attorney and co-founder of Jacobs Berger, LLC. With years of experience and expertise, Sarah has devoted her legal career to assisting individuals in navigating complex family legal matters. With a focus on divorce, child custody, alimony, and domestic violence cases, Sarah is known for her compassionate approach and strategic thinking.

Related articles:

Important Financial Documents for Divorce 

Dealing with Finances During Divorce 

What’s Worth Fighting for in Divorce