Maid for TV | Signs of an Abusive Relationship and What to Do

I began watching “Maid” on Netflix. I’m two episodes in and other than when they are saying, “Legal, legal, legal, legal”, which managed to really confuse me, I found it very realistic. In the beginning, when she was speaking to the woman at social services, she didn’t acknowledge that what she went through was abuse. When she had flashbacks, it was clear to the viewer, this was an abusive relationship.

Acknowledging You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Once someone becomes part of this cycle of abuse, it’s not uncommon for them to diminish it. I have met many people who claim they weren’t abused. Only to reveal after more questions, how they were insulted, disparaged, screamed at, or assaulted. Sometimes the phrase is, “It didn’t happen that often”. Or, “It’s only when he/she is drinking.” I remind them, it’s still abuse.

It’s also typical not to call the police. When I ask people why not they tell me they were embarrassed or afraid to call the police. “It blew over” or “they apologized the next day.” They didn’t make a record of it and often hid the truth from friends and family.

I represented a beautiful young woman in an uncontested case. She only wanted to get her children and get out. She didn’t tell me what was going on in the home. She never showed me the pictures of the bruises on her neck and arms. Later, he filed a case against her, and it was her dad who told me about the abuse as he cried for his daughter and what she had been through.

Sean begging her to come back and not to make a big deal out of it, are all classic behaviors. They are always sorry, but for how long? If you find yourself in a cycle of being put down or yelled at one day and the next being praised and petted, look out. They may treat you like garbage, but they really don’t want you to go. They need your attention. They need your support. They need you to love them. And expect it, despite the way they treat you.

She left without a plan, without money, without seeing an attorney, without any support. Clearly, not the best way to handle it and the court deemed it best to leave Matty with Sean. What should she have done differently?

What to Do Before You Decide to Leave Your Abusive Partner?

1. Get a plan before you leave. He had been abusive in the past and while this rage was the worst, she seemed to know his propensity to anger and emotional abuse. The first time someone causes you to feel small, scared, terrified, shocked, or trapped, that’s the time to start thinking of leaving them. Outwardly you may be willing to give them another chance or ten more chances, but don’t ever leave yourself in such a vulnerable position that you leave with less than $20.00 and no job or place to live. If you must stay; you can still be smart in other ways.
2. Find support from someone who understands what you are going through. She didn’t seek help until after the fact. As her friend told her, you need an advocate. Yes! She could’ve had the advocate to assist her when she was faltering in front of the commissioner. She didn’t have to face the court alone.
3. Get the court to intervene before they do. But what about money? I know, it’s hard without money to get a lawyer. But there are legal services who help if there is domestic violence. You can also file something with the court without a lawyer, in Alabama, a Protection from Abuse. Do not run with your child without seeking legal help! Because if you do, you are likely to be in the same position as her. The court doesn’t know what you don’t tell them, and you can’t leave the house with a child or children without a plan and expect that to go well. If you abscond with your child, you may be the one who gets in trouble even if they are the ones who are violent.
4. Start your healing process. I applaud her for journaling and sharing her story with her friend in the shelter. This is part of the healing process. I would suggest she get professional help as soon as possible too. As the manager of the shelter was saying, many times people go back to abusers.
5. Before she left the court she should have insisted on a schedule of visitation with her daughter. She turned up thinking she could just walk in and see her. Doesn’t happen. Once the wheels of justice are moving, you’ve got to move quickly or get run over. After she left, she should document the way the mom refused her access. The commissioner told her she could visit, and the mom was being petty and hurtful. Not to mention smoking in the house!

I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of the series and I’m rooting for her. I wish I could crawl into the screen and represent her. He would hear every abusive word he said to her parroted back to him on cross-examination. But for now, I can only write this for all the young women like her who need help.

If you are in this situation and don’t know where to turn, you can call my office for a free consultation. We will help guide you when you need it most.