{"id":42987,"date":"2024-02-08T00:13:41","date_gmt":"2024-02-08T00:13:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/divorcestories.info\/2024\/02\/08\/helping-children-of-divorce-become-resilient\/"},"modified":"2024-02-08T00:13:41","modified_gmt":"2024-02-08T00:13:41","slug":"helping-children-of-divorce-become-resilient","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/divorcestories.info\/2024\/02\/08\/helping-children-of-divorce-become-resilient\/","title":{"rendered":"Helping children of divorce become resilient"},"content":{"rendered":"

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How to help children of divorce become resilient.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN HOW TO COPE DOESN\u2019T HAPPEN WHEN WE TRY TO FIX THEIR PROBLEMS.<\/mark><\/h3>\n

And yet, parents do it all the time. I personally happen to be a frequent offender in this department. Even though I teach my clients about this parenting strategy all the time, it\u2019s amazing how often I still catch myself falling into the same trap when it comes to my own kids.<\/p>\n

Maybe you can relate?<\/p>\n

As soon as I heard her voice, I could tell she was stressed.\u00a0 Like lots of freshmen, my daughter\u2019s first semester in college came with a bit of a learning curve.<\/p>\n

In an effort to lighten the mood, I quipped, \u201cWhat\u2019s up, sweetie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMom, why couldn\u2019t our side of the family have some of the math genes? How come Aunt Jenni\u2019s kids got all of them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHhhhmmm\u2026 don\u2019t know what to tell you baby girl,\u201d I said. \u201cI guess my liberal art genes must have beat the snot out of all the math genes.\u00a0 To be honest, there probably weren\u2019t that many to begin with\u2026 I doubt it was a fair fight.\u201d\u00a0 She was clearly not amused.<\/p>\n

\u201cMom, I think I\u2019m going to fail Algebra.\u201d<\/p>\n

From that point forward, she launched into a lengthy description of why Algebra was so super hard and why she wasn\u2019t going to pass.<\/p>\n

HERE IS WHERE I MESSED UP.<\/mark><\/h3>\n

Despite knowing better, it only took a millisecond for me to pop on my \u201cI can solve this\u201d Mom hat.\u00a0 For every reason she tossed out, I countered with a possible solution.<\/p>\n

After all, what are parents for? Right?<\/p>\n

My brilliant suggestions went something like this\u2026<\/p>\n

Have you considered a tutor?
Maybe you should talk to your professor?
Perhaps Aunt Jenni (who is actually good at math) could coach you over Facetime?<\/p>\n

In the midst of all my epic problem solving,\u00a0 it turns out I was also having a pretty harsh conversation with myself in my head.<\/p>\n

You know what I\u2019m talking about, right? That little voice that loves to point out all the ways you\u2019ve dropped the ball when your kids are suffering. Not to mention the sizeable serving of GUILT, which is typically accompanied by a good dose of feeling like a FAILURE in the parenting department.<\/p>\n

It went something like this.<\/p>\n

\u201cCrap\u2026 why didn\u2019t you see this coming?\u00a0 You should\u2019ve pushed her to take that extra math class her senior year, or maybe you should have gotten her into a better high school with more AP classes. That\u2019s what a good parent would\u2019ve done.\u00a0 AND btw what were you thinking? Why didn\u2019t you insist on taking a tour of the tutor labs on campus so she\u2019d know where they were?\u00a0 At some point, you knew she\u2019d need the help? What kind of mother doesn\u2019t prepare her child for college?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Like a lot of parents, I hated seeing my daughter upset and stressed.\u00a0 And the guilt was kicking in. Surely there was something I could do to make it okay.<\/p>\n

The more I tried to solve the \u201cflunking Algebra\u201d dilemma, the more she dug in her heels and insisted it was hopeless.<\/p>\n

Which is pretty darn ironic\u2026if you think about it.\u00a0 I am, after all, a seasoned professional listener. And yet, when it comes to my kids, I can be pretty dense.<\/p>\n

After a few minutes of going back and forth\u2026 it finally occurred to me, we were getting nowhere.<\/p>\n

So I tried a different approach\u2026 \u201cMan sounds like Algebra really sucks.\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s got to be so frustrating to put time and energy into something and not see any results.\u201d<\/p>\n

Almost immediately, I heard a huge sigh of relief on the other end. \u201cThanks, Mom,\u201d she said. \u201cI just really needed somebody to stand in the suck circle with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

IF YOU WANT TO RAISE HAPPY, SECURE, RESILIENT CHILDREN, YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE GUILT.<\/mark><\/h3>\n

Standing in \u201cthe suck circle\u201d with our kids sucks for us as parents. It\u2019s just not a comfortable place to be.<\/p>\n

Whether your children are two or twenty-two, watching them struggle or hurt is never ever easy<\/strong>. As a matter of fact, it\u2019s probably one of the hardest jobs we have as parents. It\u2019s agonizing, gut-wrenching and usually leaves us feeling incredibly helpless.<\/p>\n

AND\u2026 when it happens, the GUILT is never far behind.<\/p>\n

In that moment, what I realized was this\u2026 when our kids are struggling, it sets off a powerful need in us as parents to make it okay.<\/p>\n

Sometimes our need for things to be okay comes from a desire to protect and shield them. But sometimes, making it okay is really more about us than it is our kids.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is especially true when it comes to divorce. Splitting up tends to create a lot of guilt for parents.\u00a0 My guess is just like me\u2026 you too, probably have a little voice in your head that rakes you over the coals when your kids are stressed, distraught or upset.<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019re feeling guilty over not being able to keep the family together or how your children\u2019s lives have changed. For others, it might be connected to your kids going back and forth between two homes. It could be you have a coparenting relationship that is riddled with conflict, and you hate that your children get caught in the middle.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, in an effort to diminish that guilt (and shut that little voice up) you might fall into the trap of:<\/p>\n

Dismissing the upset<\/strong>: \u201cHey let\u2019s not sit around and be sad about Dad not showing up. Why don\u2019t we head over to the arcade and play some laser tag? That ought to cheer you up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of:<\/strong> \u201cYou were really looking forward to seeing Dad. I know you miss him.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Fixing the problem:<\/strong> \u201cIf talking to Mom before bedtime is making you homesick, maybe she needs to stop calling.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYou seem homesick after talking to Mom. It\u2019s tough not having her here to tuck you in.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Putting a positive spin on things:<\/strong> \u201cI know it\u2019s hard having two homes but how cool is it to have two birthdays, two Christmases and extra vacations?\u201d or \u201cThis really is for the best. In the end, we\u2019ll all be much happier.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of:<\/strong> \u201cI know things aren\u2019t the way you want them to be. I\u2019m sorry this is so hard for you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Avoiding the issue and not talking about it at all.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Instead of:<\/strong> \u201cAcknowledging your child\u2019s truth and validating their feelings.
<\/em><\/p>\n

THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS ABOUT DIVORCE THAT SUCK FOR KIDS. LEARN TO BE OKAY WITH THAT.<\/mark><\/h3>\n

Here\u2019s the deal\u2026 there are lots of things about divorce that suck for your kids.<\/p>\n

When things are tough, it\u2019s normal (and healthy) to feel sad, upset, frustrated or angry. In those moments, our children don\u2019t need us to fix it, make it better or spin it. What they really need is for us to stand right there next to them in \u201cthe suck circle\u201d and be a witness to their truth<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

When we do, we have an opportunity to reassure our kids that:<\/p>\n