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What can you do to rescue your marriage when it\u2019s on the brink of divorce? While this is a complex question that doesn\u2019t lend itself to a quick answer, there are aspects of successful and lasting relationships that can help you get back on track.<\/p>\n
If you and your partner are willing to put effort into saving your marriage, there are things you can do \u2013 positive strategies \u2013 that can give you a fresh start and strengthen your marriage.<\/p>\n
Is your relationship with your partner distant, unhappy, or lacking in passion? Rest assured, it\u2019s common for couples who have been married or committed to each other for a while and have busy lives, to drift apart emotionally and sexually. The good news is that if you\u2019ve lost the intense spark you once had, you can rediscover your emotional and sexual connection<\/a>.<\/p>\n A typical example is Ben and Macy, both in their early forties and married for seventeen years. \u201cI\u2019ve been miserable for some time,\u201d complains Macy.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t feel close to Ben anymore, we\u2019ve drifted apart and rarely spend time together or have sex.\u201d Ben responds: \u201cMacy just doesn\u2019t appreciate me and I often feel criticized by her. Maybe splitting up is the best option.\u201d\u00a0 Unfortunately, the common theme in their remarks is focusing on their partner\u2019s flaws rather than ways they can repair the relationship.<\/p>\n Relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner<\/a> explains that the recipe for failure in a marriage is waiting for the other person to change. Rather than giving up on their marriage, couples need to lean toward each other. She writes, \u201cIt\u2019s the dissatisfied partner who usually is motivated to change. If you don\u2019t take some new action on your own behalf, no one else will do it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n While it\u2019s natural to want to throw in the towel<\/a> when your partner becomes distant, reacting in kind furthers the divide between you. Instead, Dr. Learner recommends that you take responsibility for warming things up and increase positive reinforcement. This can be done by saying things like \u201cYou\u2019re so thoughtful to clean the kitchen\u201d which highlights their positive qualities and things you admire about them.<\/p>\n Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional attunement<\/a> while relaxing together can help you stay connected in spite of your differences. This means \u201cturning toward\u201d one another and showing empathy rather than \u201cturning away.\u201d\u00a0 Dr. Gottman<\/a> recommends a five-to-one ratio of interactions \u2013 meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.<\/p>\n Another crucial aspect of keeping love alive in your marriage is rekindling passion. According to marriage and divorce expert, Cathy Meyer<\/a>, a lack of passion in a marriage is a sign that your marriage is in serious trouble.\u00a0 She writes, \u201cWhether it is him or you that has lost interest, a lack of regular intimacy in a marriage is a bad sign. Sex is the glue that binds, it is the way us adults play and enjoy each other. It is either time to spice things up in the bedroom or take a serious look at why one or the other has lost interest in the sexual aspect of the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n Fortunately, recent research reveals that sustaining romantic love over many years has a positive function in the brain, allowing couples to keep the passion alive in their marriage. In fact, a 2011 study<\/a> published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience <\/em>demonstrates that romantic long-term love activates the dopamine-rich ventral tegmental (VTA) area of the brain in a remarkably similar way as it does individuals newly in love. The results revealed similar brain activity in both groups, with high activity in the reward and motivation centers of the brain. Sustaining romantic love over many years can mimic new love if couples stay motivated to make each other happy and nurture passion in their relationship.<\/p>\n In fact, a lack of sexual passion is the most common problem that brings couples to therapists, according to Marianne Brandon author of Unlocking the Sexy in Surrender<\/em><\/a>. \u00a0Fortunately, couples can keep love and passion alive by practicing the following suggestions.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s understandable that you might feel hurt, frustrated, resentful, or rejected if you perceive that your partner has checked out of your relationship. Instead, the next time you have a disagreement with him or her, stop second-guessing their reactions and examine your own responses.<\/p>\n When one or both partners shuts down or becomes critical, issues often get swept under the rug and are never resolved \u2013 leaving the partner who feels hurt even more resentful. So when you feel that your relationship is on the rocks, adopt a resilient mindset and work on ways you can repair your hurt feelings and get back on track.<\/p>\n In closing, be sure to pay close attention the next time you are feeling hurt, angry, or abandoned by your partner and examine the part you play. Taking responsibility for warming things up in your marriage can ignite change if your partner is receptive. Just because your relationship is going through a dry spell, it doesn\u2019t have to mean you are headed for divorce court.<\/p>\n Follow Terry Gaspard on Facebook<\/a>, Twitter<\/a>, and movingpastdivorce.com<\/a><\/p>\n More From Terry<\/p>\n 6 Tips To Bring Back Love And Passion To Your Marriage<\/a><\/p>\n Can I Risk Being Vulnerable And Intimate With My Partner?<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n5 things to try before giving up on your marriage:<\/h2>\n
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