“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks.” Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke did not live in the age of Tinder or Bumble; nor could he likely have envisaged a time when walking down the street meant staring at the top of passersby’s titled heads (text-neck style), eyes fixed downward on a device in the palm of their hands, with masks covering any remaining exposed facial bits.
Rilke was born in Prague in 1875 but had he shared this present time on earth with us, he might have instead written that simply finding another human being to love is the most difficult of all our tasks.
Post-Divorce Relationship Realities
Finding love after divorce may seem like a formidable task in our modern era. But it does happen—and a lot! Close to 80% of people who get divorced go on to marry again, and most marry within five years of divorce. This is indeed good news, but the rub is how to stay remarried. When it is finally found again, love can be a slippery thing.
Why might this be?
In Rilke’s words, “Even between the closest people, infinite distances exist.” I take this to mean that no matter how well you know and love your new partner, they are not you, so they fall into the camp of everyone else besides you. There is only you in the world – and then all others. Given this existential reality and the billions of different encounters each of us has experienced, it seems outrightly ludicrous to believe that our partners should think, behave, and react as we do. Yet so many people toil fruitlessly day after day, year after year, to plow a field for their spouse that he or she does not wish to sow.
Reasonable Expectations
We want our partner to work harder, find a better job, be more responsible (adventurous, funny, sexy, attentive, giving, etc.), watch less TV, buy us flowers, take us to the ballet, and rub our feet. There is certainly nothing wrong with any of these fancies, but problems arise when they become expectations or demands. Was this the case during your previous marriage?
One thing that’s vital to understand this time around is that marriage is not a boot camp where a partner enlists with his or her idiosyncrasies and traits, and endures a stint of correction, reform, and training, and comes out shiny and new, ready for selfless service and sacrifice. It is not only unrealistic to believe that we can change our spouse, but it is also selfish.
Love is a selfless act that is other centered. This means that we must not only recognize, but also appreciate the differences between ourselves and our spouses. In fact, an aspect of strangeness in our partner is a quality worth embracing. A sense of mystery creates a sense of wonder. Each person should not only be allowed, but be encouraged to keep their own inner chamber, their own holy of holies, and their own unknown.
When our partner does not share every perspective, every thought, and every desire with us, we need not take this as rejection. Marriage means accepting that there will always be things you don’t know about your spouse.
Differences are Inevitable
Remember, there is only you and everyone else that’s not you. Said another way, we can see our differences as an inevitable, unavoidable chasm that must exist in just the same way a narrow valley exists between hills or mountains. Rilke believed that rather than lament the abyss between us, we should welcome it as a way to see and celebrate our partner’s unique nature.
When celebration becomes our frame of mind, we need no longer rob our partners of their singular strengths and desire to develop in their own characteristic way. When our spouses want to stay in rather than go to a party, when they are unusually caught up at work, or when they seem irritable and don’t want to talk, we can choose to bite our tongues (a decided improvement over a tongue-lashing), because providing space is kinder and more useful than satisfying our own curiosity.
But maybe you’re thinking, “When I’m upset about something, I don’t want to celebrate the differences; I want to confront my partner. And when I’m mad, I must let my anger out.” No, you mustn’t; unless you want to frighten the neighbors and raise your blood pressure.
Expressions of Anger
Research shows that people who express their anger aggressively or explosively are not getting rid of anger, they’re intensifying it. And angry verbal incontinence is not only harmful, but it’s also contagious. When you explode in anger, your partner’s mirror neurons fire back at you, and you get what you give. The more effective solution is to be still with your mood just long enough to remember that the new love of your life is not suddenly your mortal enemy.
This pause allows you to feel the energy of your wrath rise like a wave and then recede; and as it does, you can remind yourself that your spouse does not think as you do, reason as you do, or even feel hurt the way you do. Our interpretation of a situation is not the empirical truth, it is simply our perception.
Renowned “Love Lab” researcher and professor, Dr. John Gottman, discovered that most marital conflicts cannot be resolved. His staggeringly thorough research found that 69 percent of couples’ arguments are repetitive and irresolvable. He noted that the couples who are most successful don’t expend energy trying to change the other; rather, they practice tolerance and acceptance of one another, foibles and all.
Rather than attempt to remake a new spouse in your own image, you can remember that they have an interaction style that has been programmed since childhood, and no amount of shaming or castigating will change that pattern.
Healing Past Relationships via New Relationships
Many of us subconsciously attempt to reenact and improve upon poor relationships with parents through new experiences with our spouses. But we forget that our spouse has his or her own script to replay. Our unmet expectations often end in a cacophony of clashing words and outrage. It’s helpful to understand that the emotional bonds we have with a primary caregiver early on have a tremendous impact that we carry into adulthood.
Children who are securely attached to their primary caregiver typically grow up with a sense of security and safety. But what if a securely attached adult marries an insecurely attached adult or an adult whose parental attachment was “disorganized” because they endured abuse, violence, or had a parent who was often intoxicated. It’s no wonder that if our childhood attachment style was drastically different from that of our spouse, then our emotional and psychological reactions will also be drastically different.
This is where appreciation of the differences is critical. When it comes down to it, each individual in a relationship wants to be loved. We want to be lovable for who we are exactly at this moment, even when we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or don’t even understand what the bloody heck the right thing is supposed to be. Rilke put it like this:
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
As I began this article, I explained how it’s no trifling matter to even find a new sweetheart in today’s somewhat harsh dating climate. Research shows that nearly half of Americans think dating is harder now than it was a decade ago. So, when you find your new flame, hold on tightly because love can be a slippery thing; but not so tightly that deprive your new partner of solitude or attempt to refashion them to meet your own self-styled demands. Marriage is a sort of oxymoronic separate merging that allows two people to become as one while maintaining a sense of individuation. But reform school or boot camp— it is not.