“I’m smart. I paid attention to my relationship. I was careful about whom I chose as my husband. I did my due diligence: We had similar goals, we wanted the same things . . . until he told me we didn’t. How did I end up this way?”
There’s actually a recently coined name for what we used to call “blindsided by divorce.” The new catch-phrase (which doesn’t seem too catchy to me): “sudden divorce syndrome.” It even has an acronym: SDS.
Why syndrome? Because hindsight is 20/20. If you look back, you now see patterns in the mist — vague signs that you might have been able to interpret as warning signals. But how does this help you now? Not really at all.
Some of the symptoms I’ve read about in the lit about SDS:
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lack of disagreement (because your ex was checked out of the relationship),
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your ex started to pursue more activities on his own, sometimes as a cover for an affair (but, ordinarily there would be no red flag about a partner deciding to pursue some of his own interests — isn’t that something a healthy, secure adult would do?),
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or your ex became more serious about his career (again, should you have known this meant he was distancing himself from you?)
As a smart, aware, aspirational woman who tends to read the latest in self-development and feels it’s important to grow as a person — how could this have happened to you?
Here’s what I think you can and should (yes, I’m not afraid to use the word “should”) take away from what has happened. And this is the total extent of the self-flagellation — as far as self-recrimination and guilt is concerned.
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People can be deceptive — very easily, and very effectively. It is completely amazing how shamelessly and well people can lie.
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There was no way you could have known, based on the relationship you thought you had with your husband.
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No, it would not have been better, and you could not have saved things, if you had scrutinized his every move for clues, or had felt insecure enough about your relationship to have been living in fear.
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You were not wrong to have felt secure about your marriage.
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Were you in total denial? Only if you had seen signs all along the way, and had consciously chosen to ignore them. And, even if you did this, you were likely hoping for the best, as an optimist. Should you stop being an optimist, and now live in worry and fear? If you think about it, you know that you don’t want to live this way and that no one’s life improves from second-guessing everyone’s motives for the rest of your life.
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Look at what you now believe caused your husband to blindside you, and choose differently or choose better in certain areas going forward — if there were lessons to be learned.
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If your husband suddenly demanded a divorce, and it’s because you no longer want the same things in life, or he turned into a tail-chasing baby-man overnight, you have nothing personally to learn from his actions. Perfectly good, loving, and responsible men can turn 180 overnight, deciding that the rest of their lives should be 100% me-me-me and have not a minute of remorse (okay, maybe a minute) about what this does to their exes and families. In these cases, it’s not you. It’s him.
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Protect yourself financially so that no one can do this to you again. This has nothing to do with fearing to love again. Don’t fear. Choose as wisely as you can. But never allow a relationship (whether with a man, or with other family members — even your kids) to financially damage you. If you always protect yourself financially, you can weather any emotional storm (because it will only hurt, not destroy you).
I say a definite no. The term “sudden divorce syndrome” makes it sound as if there are a list of symptoms, and if only you had recognized them, you might have been able to save your marriage (putting the blame on the spouse, and taking responsibility away from the person who decided to leave).
It’s as if it’s a cautionary tale aimed at women who are still married. “Watch your step; he might be fixing to leave.”
If you’re reading this and not divorced, but you’re wondering if your husband is about to check out, your own feelings should guide you to having a conversation with him. You may find that you’re anxious over nothing, or you may see there’s a darting, nervous look in his eyes and realize that there is something.
Financial terror often accompanies the sudden news that your husband wants out. If you happen to be in an extreme situation and underemployed yourself, here are a few books you might find really helpful.
And, if your husband has not asked for a divorce yet, but you’re wondering whether he will — and whether you might want to leave first — I’m also including a link to Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.
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