The Reasons Why
Some of the main culprits that lead to divorce after a long union are:
1. Infidelity
After a 20-year marriage, I found out my spouse was having an affair. I was devastated, hurt, angry and scared. This is a scenario I see often in my divorce coaching and mediation practice, and it is one of the most heartbreaking and difficult times for a couple in a long-term relationship. I don’t know the statistics on how often this leads to divorce, but my guess is it’s high.
2. Empty Nest
When children are grown, some couples realize that they have been living separate lives for a long time. The focus has been on raising children rather than on connecting with one another. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage was a mistake – it can be that sometimes you just move in different directions and have new priorities that are no longer shared with a partner.
3. Financial issues
In a survey by the American Psychological Association in 2020 “Stress in America” survey, 64% of adults said money is a significant source of stress in their lives. Issues can arise when one person is the spender and money equals “freedom” and the other person is a saver and money represents “security.” Having one person who has been a stay-at-home parent can create conflict when the kids are grown. The financial supporter may want that parent to return to the workforce now. These two different perspectives can lead to resentment and conflict that cannot be resolved.
4. Lack of Communication
There’s poor communication, and then there’s harmful communication. The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples’ behavior since the mid-1990s, uses the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a metaphor for the communication styles that, according to the institute’s research, can predict the end of a relationship. The four styles are criticism, contempt (the number one predictor of divorce), defensiveness and stonewalling.
“Contempt severs us from our pack,” institute cofounder Julie Gottman has said. “It leads us to cut ourselves off from others, pull inwards and end up alone.”