After 25 years together, I have called it quits. I am now trying to figure out if this was a Covid break up or was it coming?
We met in University – got married shortly after and had 2 kids. We both are professionals and have great careers and are “hands on” parents. We have always prided ourselves on being “in sync” with our parenting styles and have both been truly committed to raising our family. As for our relationship, well it definitely had its moments and I won’t deny that finding time to be intimate and focus on just the two of us has been a challenge. But I think we both felt that this was normal given our age and stage of life.
But then Covid hit and we were together 24 hours a day for over a year. The beginning was fine… I think the reality was that we were so shocked by the pandemic and scared that we just focussed on keeping everyone safe and as happy as possible.
But as the weeks turned to months it became really difficult. Everything about him bothered me.. the way he chewed his food, the way he spoke on zoom (too loud), the way he DID NOT help around the house despite us both working. The list goes on and on and I know he has his own complaints about me, but at the end of the day no couple should ever spend that much time together.
I think what I found most shocking was the way in which he dealt with the kids during lockdown. My 15 year old daughter desperately needed to see her friends. She was mentally not okay – and my husband wouldn’t budge. He was following the rules and there was no moving him. I on the other hand felt it was important to assess all the risks – and not just the covid ones. Being stuck inside, doing online school and only connecting to her friends via computer was deeply affecting her mental health and he just couldn’t see it. So we began to fight, and fight, and fight.
I ultimately went over him and allowed my daughter the ability to socialize with a small group of friends. My husband freaked – I was dishonest, I was disrespectful, I undermine his authority. We fought like we have never fought before and exchanged awful words that once said can never be taken back.
And that was it. I couldn’t come back to myself. I couldn’t believe the horrible things he said to me. It was as if he had been holding it for the last 25 years and it all just spewed out. I tried to make it work but couldn’t. I went for therapy myself, we went for couples therapy together, we tried it all. But in the end, I know myself well enough to know that no amount of therapy will take back his disgusting words. Damage was done and I was out.
While I am sad about my marriage ending, I can’t help but wonder if there was no Covid, and no lockdown would this have been our fate? Would this have happened when the kids left for university and we were alone? I guess I will never know. For now I am focussed on staying positive and amicable so that our kids can move forward with two parents who aren’t bitter and fighting.
Lani, 52